8 signs you’ve mastered the art of forgiving everyone but yourself (according to psychology)

Ava Sinclair by Ava Sinclair | March 25, 2024, 10:17 pm

Forgiveness is a tricky business, especially when it comes to forgiving oneself.

Psychology suggests that some of us are really good at forgiving others, but pretty terrible at extending that same kindness to ourselves.

In other words, we become experts in holding onto our own flaws and mistakes.

In this article, we’ll be discussing just that – signs that reveal whether you’re great at forgiving others, but struggle to afford yourself the same forgiveness.

Read on to uncover these 8 psychological insights, and maybe learn how to cut yourself some slack along the way.

1) You’re the toughest critic of your own mistakes

We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human.

But if you’ve mastered the art of forgiving others while struggling to forgive yourself, you’ll find that you’re often your own harshest critic.

This is especially true when you slip up.

Rather than brushing it off as a simple mistake – as you would with others – you beat yourself up about it.

You replay the scenario over and over in your head, thinking about what you could or should have done differently.

The famous psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

This quote highlights the importance of self-forgiveness in personal development and change.

So the next time you find yourself criticizing the smallest of mistakes, remember to be kind to yourself. Speak to yourself as you would a close friend, and see the difference it makes. 

2) You tend to dwell on past decisions

Ever found yourself awake in the middle of the night, rehashing decisions you made years ago?

I certainly have.

One time, I made a career move that didn’t pan out as expected. Instead of accepting it as a learning experience, I spent countless nights playing the ‘what if’ game.

You see, one sign you’ve mastered the art of forgiving others but not yourself is when you spend a lot of time dwelling on past decisions.

This is particularly true for those decisions that didn’t lead to the outcomes you desired.

You keep thinking about how things could have been different if you’d chosen another path.

The funny thing is, if someone else had made the same mistake, you’d tell them to stop worrying about it, that we learn from such mistakes, and then move on. 

It’s a telling sign that you don’t give yourself the same advice. 

3) You’re always looking for perfection

Let’s be real, we all seek perfection in one way or another.

For me, it was always about being the best at everything I do.

However, the quest for perfection became my Achilles’ heel. The moment I couldn’t reach the standards I had set for myself, I would plunge into self-doubt and self-blame.

This constant pursuit of perfection is a classic sign that you’re excellent at forgiving others but not yourself.

You readily accept others’ flaws and mistakes but expect nothing less than perfection from yourself.

The renowned psychologist Carl Jung once said, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

It’s scary to confront our flaws and imperfections, and even scarier to accept them.

But remember, it’s these imperfections that make us human

4) You struggle to celebrate your own achievements

I remember when I wrote my first published article.

While everyone around me was celebrating and congratulating me, I found myself fixating on the typos and the parts I thought I could have written better.

Sound familiar?

It’s often easier to celebrate others’ achievements than our own.

And if you’ve mastered forgiving others but not yourself, you may downplay your successes and focus on the areas you think you fell short.

This goes back to being your own worst critic – it’s time to work on your inner voice, it’s time to be more compassionate and forgiving to yourself.

5) You’re more comfortable with failure than success

It sounds odd, doesn’t it? Especially after the points mentioned above..

But there’s a strange comfort in failure when you’re tough on yourself.

I remember feeling oddly at ease when a project I was leading didn’t turn out as expected. It was as if the failure confirmed the negative things I had been telling myself.

This just shows that I had never forgiven myself for past failures. Instead, I was finding comfort in them, in telling myself that that’s just “who I am, a failure.” 

But you know what happens when you do forgive yourself?

You allow yourself to flourish without fear. You take risks. You get to know yourself and your capabilities on a deeper level. 

6) You hold yourself to higher standards than others

It’s great to have high standards, but not if they’re unrealistic and only apply to yourself.

You might find that you’re quick to forgive others for not meeting certain standards, yet beat yourself up for the same.

For example, when my partner messes up dinner, I would never dream of being annoyed with them or making a cruel remark. 

But when I mess up dinner? 

Well, it spoils my whole mood. I find myself thinking, “What an idiot, how can you mess up something so simple.”

As author Emily J Hooks writes:

“None of us have to be martyrs to our circumstances; instead, we can learn to take skillful action in the present moment and accept responsibility for all our actions. The ability to forgive emerges as we peel away outmoded identities and surrender to our healing.”

Essentially, instead of blaming myself for messing up the food, I should have accepted it as a natural human mistake, learned from it, and then moved on.

7) You often feel undeserving of happiness

There was a time in my life when I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy.

It was as if I was punishing myself for past mistakes or flaws by withholding my own happiness.

If you’ve mastered the art of forgiving others but not yourself, you might resonate with this.

You may be quick to wish others happiness and joy but feel undeserving of the same for yourself.

As psychologist Brené Brown puts it, “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life.”

Ultimately, healthy striving leads to happiness and growth, while perfectionism – and feeling undeserving of happiness – can hold you back.

8) You’re constantly seeking approval from others

Finally, if you’ve mastered the art of forgiving others but not yourself, you might find yourself often looking to others for validation.

You constantly seek approval from others because you haven’t given it to yourself.

Psychologist Erik Erikson once said, “In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.”

In other words, seeking constant approval from others often stems from a lack of self-identity or self-approval.

My guess is that you’re also pretty good at making other people feel validated and confident about themselves…so why not do the same for yourself?

I know it isn’t easy. You’ve got to retrain that inner voice.

But start small and keep going. The first step is to be aware of it, and by reading this article, you’ve already taken the first step.