Feeling lonely can be hard to accept, and that’s normal. Why?

Because psychologists have found that people often associate loneliness with a feeling of shame or anxiety, according to the ‘Campaign to End Loneliness.’

Also, there is more than one definition of loneliness, and more than one way to describe being alone – which can confuse things.

Solitude for example is often about enjoying time alone, whereas social isolation can lead to loneliness, but they are not the same thing.

If you suspect that you or someone you know might be feeling lonely, the good news is that it’s not your fault, and you can do things to change it.

I know I feel lonely sometimes and I’m going to share helpful insights from wellbeing counsellors and psychologists.

Read on for some caring insights and advice

1) You constantly have the tv on, or podcasts, audiobooks, radio – anything to fill the silence

Learning new things is great, and so is listening to music, and enjoying watching things that make you feel good or engaged.

But if you feel nervous to allow the silence, it might be that you are scared to be alone with your thoughts in case you realize that deep down you are feeling lonely.

While keeping your mind occupied is good, a bit of alone time is good too.

Taking a walk without music, or sitting in a park or garden, can give time to connect to your inner self.

Perhaps a part of you really wants your attention. But you have to make space to hear it.

I use Focusing techniques developed by Dr Gendlin to get in touch with my body. And they really help me to know what my inner self needs from me. 

2) You regularly wake up feeling down but you don’t know why

I’ve never been a morning person, and recently, as a nomadic person, a lot of days I wake up feeling lonely.

This feeling tends to pass after a few hours, but I still wish that it didn’t happen.

I’ve started to do Morning Pages (a type of journaling) where I get out my negative, hopeless or lonely feelings, so that I can move on with my day.

Here’s interesting research on how journaling can improve your life in many ways.

Yesterday I was journaling and feeling lonely and heavy.

And then by spending time with those emotions and sensations, using Focusing, I felt lighter and realized I needed to connect with a friend.

I did that and we went to dinner.

There, I saw a girl on her own and invited her to join us.

I’m glad I did because she’d just broken up with her boyfriend, was traveling alone and it was her birthday and she too was lonely.

Plus she was lots of fun to be with.

Ultimately by listening to myself I had a better day and made someone else’s better too.

It’s nice to know that we can help others with loneliness while helping ourselves.

3) You isolate yourself but then feel really cheered by small social interactions

Social isolation isn’t always bad, it depends on how it makes you feel.

However, it can be a sign that you are hiding away from the world. So how can you tell the difference?

If you’re enjoying being alone then that’s solitude.

Many people have a rich life with minimal amounts of socialization.

But if you feel that your desire for social contact doesn’t match the reality, or that when you do socialize you feel disappointed and bored, this can be a sign of a spiral of loneliness.

But what if you don’t notice any of that?

Take note of how you feel after a short positive interaction with a shopkeeper or passerby. 

If it really boosts you up and changes your day, it might be a sign that you are secretly craving more social contact. 

If we’ve been disappointed by social contact in the past it might feel good to socially isolate. This has its place.

But just like a plant that may seek shade from the harsh sun, it also needs nutrients from the soil, and water to be healthy.

And that’s where other people come in.

4) You feel like no one really understands you but brush it away

One of the key giveaways of loneliness is the feeling that no one gets you.

As we all know, you can have plenty of social contact, but feel very alone.

Yet you may not wish to blame others for that and so you tell yourself it’s just you, or that it’s normal.

As this study explains; “lonely individuals see the social world as a more threatening place, expect more negative social interactions, and remember more negative social information. 

Negative social expectations tend to elicit behaviors from others that confirm the lonely persons’ expectations, thereby setting in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy in which lonely people actively distance themselves from would-be social partners”

If you try to fit in with your friends but it leaves you feeling empty, it might be time to push yourself out of your comfort zone and meet some new more like-minded people.

On the other hand, feeling bored with friends that you previously enjoyed can also be a sign of depression.

5) You’re in a relationship but it doesn’t nourish you

Similarly, you might be dating someone and feel even more alone than when you are single.

But rather than admitting this, you bury yourself in your work, chores, looking after children, or anything else.

Every relationship will go through hard patches, but what you need to ask yourself is:

• Do you have moments of deep connection with your partner?
• And do you spend quality time together? 

For some people, this might look like doing things in silence together, such as hobbies or hiking in nature.

And for others, it might look like sharing your feelings and joy and joking around. Or a bit of both.

If on the other hand when you think of your partner you picture stonewalling (eg ignoring bids for connection, refusing to engage, a person who seems so distant), it might be that this is making you lonely.

Remember our little plant that needs good soil and water?

You need to be nourished from your relationship, if you aren’t then this is a big contributor to loneliness.

6) You’re dating anyone vaguely interested so you have company

I have a friend who regularly pursues people who just don’t deserve her.

She lives in a big busy city, and like many of us, desires a partner to do things with.

But I’ve also heard her say that she loves to be texting someone, and that life feels flat when there isn’t anyone to message or think about.

And I often see her messaging and dating guys who don’t give her the basic respect that we should expect in a relationship.

Sometimes it goes the other way, and she messages people from dating sites just for the attention.

If you find yourself entering into unfulfilling connections time and time again, especially over text, ask yourself, is this just a distraction from your loneliness?

7) You regularly feel stressed, pessimistic, anxious, or have low self-esteem

Maybe you don’t notice feeling lonely, but you do regularly identify with some or even all of the emotions above.

If so this could be a sign that you are secretly lonely.

That’s because this psychological research shows that these are common emotions in those who are lonely and isolated.

According to Mind, whilst loneliness is not a mental health condition in itself, it can be associated with issues like “depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sleep problems”.

Any of these things could be a warning sign that you are covering up loneliness.

Loneliness – what to do

The good news is that loneliness is solvable. 

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all cure, since it stems from different causes, as the Mind article above explores.

But something that has brought me comfort is the research by Perlman and Peplau.

They see that there are predisposing factors such as personality characteristics, cultural values and norms, and the situation you find yourself in (eg perhaps it’s hard for you to meet people, or you’ve suffered a bereavement).

Then there is what you desire or need from your social interactions, vs what you actually get.

This can result in a mismatch which can emphasise loneliness. And then how you perceive the situation also affects it.

Why is this comforting?

When we realize the patterns and factors that underlie loneliness, we realize that it’s possible to change a lot of them, using the upward spiral of loneliness found on page 17 of this helpful resource by the Campaign to End Loneliness.

If you realize that you feel lonely, then take time to send loving compassion inside, then allow yourself to know that you do have the ability to change these feelings.

Using thoughts, intentions, and action. 

I’ll finish with this empowering quote by Perlman and Peplau, “Rather than being a sign of weakness, loneliness reflects our human need for social relationships, needs that all people share.”