8 signs you’re dealing with a textbook narcissist, according to psychology

Clifton Kopp by Clifton Kopp | January 26, 2024, 11:28 am

They say you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time around. 

Hence, selecting who you surround yourself with is critical.

You want to be around people who uplift you, who inspire you. You want to be around people who make you better.  

Unfortunately, narcissists generally won’t help you achieve those goals. 

So as much as possible, it’s best to stay clear of them, if possible. 

In this article, I’ll walk you through the common signs you’re dealing with a textbook narcissist, according to psychology. 

Once you identify the signs, you can start moving accordingly. Let’s get to it!

1) They have an inflated sense of self-importance

It ain’t rocket science: Narcissists tend to believe that they are a lot more important than they actually are. 

Hence, they’ll often exaggerate their achievements, skills, and overall importance to whoever is willing to listen. 

Like an addict needing their fix, they want constant admiration and validation in return for their perceived superiority. 

They live for fleeting praise, whether genuine or not. 

And typically, they like to prey on unsuspecting victims–those often still unfamiliar with their narcissistic tendencies.

Last week, I was at a gathering of friends when I was introduced to a new person. Let’s call him Bill. 

Within about eight minutes, I knew Bill’s entire life story: from his scholastic achievements to his work milestones to his annual net income, which according to him rivaled some of the wealthiest people in town. 

The unsolicited monologue in itself was quite impressive; to go off on unrelated tangents with the opposing person (me) barely muttering a response is not easy. 

But that’s what he did. 

He found someone new; someone polite enough to take in his narcissism–and, recognizing the situation, he took full advantage. 

I politely nodded for the better part of an hour, expecting him to run out of breath–something that never really occurred. 

Moral of the story? 

When a narcissist finds someone willing to listen, they won’t hesitate to exploit the situation, using you as a pawn to express their grandiose sense of self-importance.

Stay wary.

2) They have a constant need for admiration 

Like how an automobile needs petrol to run, a narcissist needs the constant admiration of peers to function properly. 

They actively seek out admiration and attention in excessive quantities. 

When it’s perceived to be lacking, like a hungry person needing food, they might feel frustrated, sad, or angry. 

They’ll feel a palpable void that needs to be replenished. 

According to Helpguide.org: “Narcissists need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people who are willing to cater to their obsessive craving for affirmation. These relationships are very one-sided. It’s all about what the admirer can do for the narcissist, never the other way around.”

This is why social media in all its forms collectively provides an almost custom-built platform for narcissists to gain instant validation when they feel it’s lacking–which is a lot of the time. 

Narcissists live for likes. 

When they need that extra dopamine hit of admiration, they can post a selfie, videos of the time they volunteered at that soup kitchen, or photos of the gash on their knee. 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that a true narcissist will never run out of things to post on social media. And well, in real life too.  

3) They lack empathy 

Narcissists are so self-involved and self-absorbed that nearly all of their energy is focused inward. 

They therefore often struggle to empathize with others’ feelings or perspectives, as they are almost exclusively focused on their own needs and desires. 

This is ironic. 

Some of the most prominent narcissists I’ve come across in life can convincingly pretend to care about others. 

As mentioned, they might post themselves doing “good”, charitable acts for others online, as the ensuing feedback makes it all worth it for them. 

But to act charitably without a phone camera? That’s practically unheard of for them. 

Think of the politician who will pose for photo-ops with laborers or typhoon survivors but as soon as the shutters point elsewhere, they’re back to their self-serving ways. 

True empathy almost always eludes the narcissist. At the end of the day, it’s always about themselves and their needs.

“Someone who demonstrates narcissistic behaviors will operate in a way that is manipulative, but convincing. They are good at making themselves appear as the victim when issues with their behaviors are brought to their attention,” says Oddesty K Langham, MS, LPC, NCC

4) They’re overly entitled 

Narcissists have an innate superiority complex. 

They feel they’re special, that they deserve special treatment, and that the rules don’t apply to them. 

Maybe they were conditioned that way–or it’s in their DNA. 

Regardless, they think they’re on a higher plane than everyone else. 

They tend to have an inherent entitlement that many might find bothersome–and for good reason. 

They expect favors without reciprocation, disregarding the rules and harmony of society. 

In a way, they’re not unlike petulant teenagers who feel the world owes them a collective favor, at all times. 

Abuse expert, Melanie Tonia Evans says of narcissists: “Regardless of however high functioning a narcissist appears to be, he or she has the emotional intelligence of an angry, irrational young child.” 

5) They get jealous of others

Sometimes, even when a narcissist does well in life, this won’t bring them contentment. 

What matters to them is how well they’re doing in relation to everyone else. 

They see life as a competition. 

They don’t want everyone to thrive; they want to come out on top of the pile, waving their victory flag, while everyone aspires to reach them. 

If you achieve something of value in life, say opening a business or achieving a fitness milestone, don’t expect genuine congratulatory sentiment from a narcissist. 

They want the glory, they want the spotlight. 

So when it’s not on them, they will quietly seethe with jealousy, often subtly undermining those they envy. 

This behavior is ultimately rooted in deep-seated issues. 

“Narcissism is a cover for a very weak self-image. They often want attention in any form, good or bad. Although they love adoration, the worst pain for a narcissist is to not be noticed. They will say or do outrageous things to be noticed if they are feeling ignored,” says Dian Grier, LCSW

Touche.

6) They have an arrogant and domineering attitude

Narcissists often display an arrogant and haughty demeanor. 

They are rarely humble. 

They believe they are inherently superior to others, and therefore tend to dominate conversations and situations like irritating know-it-alls, even when this is hardly the case. 

Here’s a fun game. 

Randomly ask a narcissist about anything, like astrophysics or the history of the First World War, and they’ll conjure up an answer like they’re an expert in that particular field. 

Their ability to create elaborate BS on the spot is a telltale sign of their unwavering arrogance and false self-belief–both telltale signs of genuine narcissism

This is all a form of compensation. As established, deep down, there’s a void that constantly needs filling. 

According to Emily Guarnotta, PsyD: “Narcissists often appear to be very confident, but a key feature of narcissism is low self-esteem. Narcissists display arrogance and exaggerate their achievements to hide this low self-esteem.”

7) They can’t handle criticism

This one is a no-brainer. 

Since narcissists tend to have fragile egos, they don’t take criticism, even constructive feedback, in stride. 

They often react poorly, becoming, defensive, hostile, or dismissive. 

In their minds, they can do no wrong and anything that says otherwise is considered a blow to an already shaky sense of self. 

Narcissists simultaneously have delicate egos and tremendous self-belief. 

They’re walking contradictions. 

So next time you want to criticize a narcissist, don’t expect them to take it lightly. 

If you don’t have it in you to humor them indefinitely, they’ll throw you out faster than last week’s newspapers. 

Consider this nugget of wisdom from Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C: “Narcissists are like parasitic bugs that leech onto you and essentially suck the life out of you, then when you are no longer useful, they discard you.”

8) They can be highly charismatic 

The reason narcissists get away with their bad behaviors is because they’re skilled manipulators

They’re the snake oil salesmen of the world, the sketchy populist politicians, the charming but dodgy Tinder dates. 

They are highly charismatic, using their magnetism, flattery, and flat-out deceit to achieve their objectives and disarm people–something that typically comes at the expense of everyone else but themselves.  

Yikes.

Try not to overthink it. You’re not losing it; you may very well just be a victim. 

“When people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders,” says esteemed clinical psychologist, Albert J. Bernstein.

Final words 

I get it. This article might sound all doom and gloom. 

But the fact remains: narcissists are ubiquitous. They walk and live among us. 

So it’s best to keep your guard up. 

If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist, set them aside and clearly, and gently, air out your issues… and hope for the best. 

But if you’ve tried this and change remains a foreign concept, you owe it to yourself to walk away. 

Life is too short to spend in the company of textbook, toxic narcissists. You got this.