Ever been charmed by someone who made you feel special, only to find out they were subtly manipulating you?

I have. Dating a covert narcissist left me feeling incredibly emotionally drained a few years back.

Friends warned me, but breaking free was hugely tough. Trust me, I learned the hard way. 

Slowly, I took back control over my life, and later realized the importance of being aware of these signs in the first place.

Which is what brings me to writing this piece today. With the help of some leading psychologists and researchers, I hope I can help you clock onto the signs of a covert narcissist before it’s too late.

A covert narcissist is like a stealthy self-absorbed person. They hide their egotism behind a mask of modesty, playing the victim and using subtle manipulation. 

Unlike the loud and proud narcissists, they seek admiration without showing their true colors. 

It’s all about entitlement and a lack of empathy, all dressed up in a humble act.

The first sign of a covert narcissist is a huge one: this person is likely to exploit the kindness of others.

1) They use the people around them

Narcissists are basically the secret agents of selfishness. That’s one way to think of them.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that covert narcissists “take advantage of other people with no intention of paying them back.”

Consider it like this. These folks are sly opportunists. They know how to spot easy targets, grab favors, and support without ever planning to give back.  It’s a little bit parasitic, really.

Imagine a friend who’s always there to lean on but surely vanishes when you need help. That’s the covert narcissist’s signature move—taking but never giving.

They’re the OG emotional tricksters. They pretend to be charming and warm, making you feel like the star while they pull the strings behind the scenes.

But armed with this knowledge, you can hopefully steer clear of their tricky ways. 

2) They are obsessed with being admired or being seen as powerful

Ever met someone who’s forever chasing after being seen as the most admired and powerful person in the room?

Imagine you’re at a party, and there’s this person who keeps talking about their achievements, like they’re on a mission to always prove they’re the best.

Well, they might just be a narcissist in disguise.

This same study found that another sign of a covert narcissist is someone who “spends too much time thinking about gaining unlimited success, power, or love.”

There’s far more to it than just having a big ego or bragging too much.

And we’re not talking about regular dreamers or go-getters here. We’re talking about folks who aren’t satisfied with just a tiny bit of success or admiration. They want it all—unlimited wins, loads of power, and an endless supply of love.

But why? What makes someone obsess over being the most desired person around? 

Maybe it’s a deep-down insecurity covered up by acting super confident. Or maybe it’s a constant need for approval that started way back in their childhood.

Whatever it may be, leave it to a psychologist to find it out. It’s not your job.

3) They listen in a unilateral way

Clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D., explores one major sign of a covert narcissist: unilateral listening.

Imagine you’re pouring your heart out, but the other person’s responses are like a broken record—generic and detached.

It’s not just about not paying attention, they’re actively treating your words as if they don’t matter at all.

“Narcissistic listening dismisses, negates, ignores, minimizes, denigrates, or otherwise renders irrelevant other people’s concerns and comments,” says Dr. Heitler.

It’s a reminder that not every chat is a two-way street, and sometimes, it’s perfectly normal (and necessary) to seek out conversations where your words matter more.

Next time you suspect you’re facing a unilateral listener, ask yourself: Are my words being heard and valued? 

4) They sure know how to make you feel good

Here’s a surprising one. Usually, a covert narcissist has an almost magical ability to make you feel amazing about yourself. But usually, this doesn’t last long.

“If you start dating a narcissist, they might make you feel like the admired and desired person in the world. But eventually, their attention will fall away from you, making you feel confused and rejected,” says an explainer on the early signs of narcissism in PsychCentral.

Covert narcissists tend to shower you with compliments, making you feel on top of the world. 

Why do they do this? Well, it’s a manipulative tactic to draw you right in. 

They create a dazzling display of admiration to hook you, line and sinker, but once they’ve got you, the attention fades, and you’re left playing a supporting role in their self-centered drama.

Think of it like a roller coaster of emotions—thrilling highs followed by disorienting lows. 

5) They might actually admit they are a narcissist

You might think that if someone is willing to admit they’re a narcissist, then surely, they aren’t one. This isn’t quite true.

“People who are willing to admit they are more narcissistic than others probably actually are more narcissistic,” said Brad Bushman, co-author of a psychological study into narcissism. 

He continues. “People who are narcissists are almost proud of the fact. You can ask them directly because they don’t see narcissism as a negative quality — they believe they are superior to other people and are fine with saying that publicly.”

Picture someone confidently boasting about their greatness, convinced they’re a step above everyone else. To them, it’s not a confession—it’s a celebration.

In their minds, narcissism is akin to a superpower, a true sign of their superiority. 

So, the next time someone you know drops the “Well, I’m a narcissist, didn’t you know” bomb, don’t brush it off.

6) They know how to play the victim

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissism, will often deploy the phrase: “Why are you doing this to me?”

It’s as if they honestly believe that life just served them a raw deal. 

Why is this? Because of their deep-rooted victim complex, of course.

“Narcissists have a stunning capacity to shift from being the offender to being the victim,” Dr. Durvasula told CNBC.

It’s essentially web of self-pity and blame-shifting

She continues. “You may be the one who has the flu or a tough week at work. But if whatever you’re struggling with inconveniences them, it will be framed as their problem.”

It helps them dodge responsibility and avoid facing the fact that they might be the cause of their own issues. It’s like they’re shouting, “Hey! I’m not the problem!”

But here’s the key takeaway here: don’t get caught up in their drama. Run!

Also, when a covert narcissist pulls the victim card, see it for what it is: a distraction. 

7) They cannot stop dropping hints about how great they are

We all know the kind of person who’s always dropping hints about their achievements—big or small. 

According to Mayo Clinic, the narcissistic individual will tend to “behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.”

It’s not just about hearing themselves talk—they’re desperately seeking validation and approval. 

Despite the constant self-promotion, they might be masking feelings of insecurity.

So, how do you deal with these hint-dropping champions? 

Instead of rolling your eyes or competing with your own achievements, try redirecting the conversation. It can be tough, but worth it.

Final thoughts 

To sum things up, recognizing the covert narcissist’s subtle tactics can be both enlightening and empowering. It can also be extremely vital to keeping a firm grip on your sanity.

From exploiting others to fleeting moments of euphoria, these emotional tricksters weave a charm that challenges your grip on reality.

Their unending quest for admiration and power, one-sided listening, and endless compliments are parts of a personality disorder. 

Playing the victim and dropping hints about greatness are tactics to avoid responsibility and mask insecurities.