5 signs you’re becoming a happier person, according to psychology

by Wendy Kaur | June 26, 2024, 9:57 am

Some people think of happiness as a destination: I’ll be happy when… Others think of it as a decision: I’m going to do my best to be happy with where I’m at in life right now.

I think the best definition of happiness is that happiness is a process.

“Viewing your happiness as a process means you never have to have anything to beat yourself up about,” says psychology and health policy expert Donovan Jenson, who is founder of How To Happy.

Notice there’s no “Be” in his platform title. That’s because Donovan sees being happy as a verb.

Happiness is trial and error. Somewhere along our personal evolution, we might stumble upon the formula that best works for us.

So then how do you know if you’re doing something right and becoming a happier person overall? Here are five signs according to psychology.

1) You’re living more in the flow

Years ago, I was learning to horseback ride, and I remember a completely blissful feeling taking over me.

I was trotting along, completely absorbed in the activity. If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you know that all of your attention has to be completely engaged in what you’re doing unless you want to end up on your backside (admittedly, this has happened to me more than once).

I just remember losing all track of time. My entire being was engaged with what I was doing. There was no nagging thought at the back of my mind. I wasn’t thinking about what I had to do the next day.

At that moment, I was just so content to be doing what I was doing without a care in the world.

I remember having a similar feeling once while meditating where I had such a profound feeling of well-being wash over me. As much as I’ve tried, I haven’t quite been able to get that feeling back.

I realize that both those times I was truly immersed in the flow.

Positive Psychology, a Special Health Report from Harvard Medical School, says that being in the flow has a few common characteristics.

One is losing awareness of time. This is what happened to me in the examples I gave above. For you it could perhaps be painting, or attending a weekly Zumba class.

You’re so completely engaged and lost in the energy; so caught up in the moment. “You aren’t watching the clock, and hours can pass like minutes,” says the staff at Harvard Health Publishing.

“Your awareness of yourself is only in relation to the activity itself, such as your fingers on a piano keyboard, or the way you position a knife to cut vegetables, or the balance of your body parts as you ski or surf.”

You also aren’t interrupted by “extraneous thoughts.” Like how I was absorbed in horseback riding or that particular meditation, you are “at one” with the activity.

“[You’re] mastering or explaining a line of thinking in your work, creating tiers of beautiful icing for a cake, or visualizing your way out of a sticky chess situation.”

The Harvard team says that flow activities aren’t passive: “You have some control over what you are doing,” but yet you’re doing it seemingly effortlessly.

“At flow moments everything is ‘clicking’ and feels almost effortless…and you [want to] keep repeating the process.”

2) You’re also learning to let go of grudges

Who amongst us hasn’t held a grudge of some kind?

We might have every right to hold a grudge. We might have been betrayed or hurt through no fault of our own.

But there comes a point when we have to let it go—to forgive and move on.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you forget, or that you befriend them, but it does mean letting of the hurt, anger, or disappointment, says the team at Cleveland LMC Organization.

“Doing this releases the energy that keeps us from moving forward. It helps us let go of the past to live in the present. And because we’re focused on the future, we become happier people.”

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind, says the staff at the Mayo Clinic.

“Forgiveness can lead to healthier deltas and improved mental health.”

Remember: you’re forgiving someone for you, not for them.

3) You don’t feel entitled to your expectations as much

This one is a bit of a contradiction, I’ve found.

As far as my goals, the things I expected to happen didn’t happen but the things I truly wanted but thought there’s no way they could happen, well those actually happened.

I’ve learned that having low expectations doesn’t mean accepting a life of mediocrity, but it does mean striving for the best but not being attached to any particular outcome.

Low expectations can be the key to happiness, says Christine Carter, PhD who is a senior fellow at the University of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

“Sometimes we expect too much from our spouses, our children, our jobs, and ourselves,” she says.

“When expectations are unrealistic, instead of inspiring greatness with the high bar we’ve set, we’re more likely to foster disappointment, or resentment, or even hatred in ourselves.”

Carter says that it isn’t that we shouldn’t ever have expectations, it’s just that we need to be aware of how our expectations can sometimes make us unhappy.

4) You don’t sweat over the small stuff as much

I’m a bit of a clean freak. I especially abhor clutter. I’m ruthless about it. Junk mail gets automatically thrown out instead of sitting for days on end on the kitchen table. Counters are clear and everything is in its place (for the most part).

So when the people in my life (God love them) put things well, all willy-nilly, it used to annoy me from here to Kingdom come. No matter what I said, inevitably, clutter would find its way into corners, the dining room table, and any other nook and cranny.

Now, I’ve learned to accept (for the most part) that there’s nothing wrong with having the “the lived-in look”.

I still do a clutter detox once in a while, but I don’t get annoyed over some clutter here and there anymore. It’s not that the feeling doesn’t pop up once in a while, but I’m aware of it and I remind myself it’s no big deal.

I’m not going to let an annoyance over something small take over my mood for the rest of the day. Life is too short for that.

5) You are learning to love yourself

In order to be happier, you have to love yourself.

But loving ourselves is a “murky concept,” says Steven Stosny, PhD.

He says that liking yourself can be a stepping stone to loving yourself.

He advises doing “The Love Yourself” Quiz: