Love and loneliness have this sneaky way of playing tricks on us.

One minute, you’re swept up in the thrill of a relationship; the next, you’re wondering if it’s love or just a fear of ordering takeout for one.

I’ve been there—staring at a text thread, convincing myself that maybe this was love, when deep down, I knew it wasn’t.

The truth is, relationships built on loneliness wear disguises, but there are clues if you’re willing to look.

Let’s unpack eight signs that what you’re feeling might not be love at all, and see where they lead. Spoiler: it’s not always where you think.

1) You’re more attached to the idea of being in a relationship than to the person

Sometimes, it’s the fear of being alone that keeps us entangled in relationships that serve us poorly.

It can be tempting to convince ourselves that we’re in love, when the reality might be that we’re just terrified of staring at an empty side of the bed every night.

If you find yourself more enamored with the idea of a relationship than with your actual partner, it’s possible that loneliness is your primary motivation.

It’s okay to be alone. Sometimes, it’s even necessary.

Being single can provide space for personal growth and self-discovery that being in a relationship often does not.

So ask yourself: are you really in love with them, or just the idea of not being alone?

2) The thought of being alone scares you more than the thought of losing them

I’ll never forget one relationship I was in a few years ago.

On the surface, it seemed perfect—we had fun together, our friends loved us as a couple, and we hardly ever fought.

But deep down, something felt off.

I remember one night, lying awake and imagining my life without my partner.

Instead of feeling sad or anxious at the thought of losing them, I realized what I was truly scared of: being alone.

The thought of coming home to an empty house, of having no one to share my day with, of not having a ‘plus one’ for events—that terrified me.

But the idea of losing them? It didn’t stir up the same level of fear.

That’s when it hit me—my relationship was not built on love. I was trying to avoid loneliness.

My partner was wonderful, but they weren’t the reason I stayed. I was staying because I didn’t want to be alone.

It was a tough realization, but ultimately it led me to make changes that were healthier for both of us in the long run.

So if you find yourself more terrified of being alone than losing your partner, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

3) You’re constantly seeking validation from your partner

Validation is a normal part of any relationship—we all want to feel loved and appreciated by our partners.

But there’s a difference between seeking occasional reassurance and needing constant affirmation.

When your self-esteem depends heavily on your partner’s opinion of you, it might not be love that’s holding you together.

Instead, it could very well be loneliness and a fear of not being ‘enough’ on your own.

Did you know that the need for external validation can often stem from a lack of self-love?

According to psychologists, when we don’t feel good about ourselves, we tend to seek validation from others to fill that void.

This isn’t a healthy foundation for a relationship. True love is about accepting each other as we are, without constantly needing to prove our worth.

So if you’re always looking for approval from your partner, it might be time to work on loving yourself first.

4) You’re always making excuses for your partner’s behavior

We all want to see the best in the people we love.

But there’s a difference between being understanding and constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior.

If you find yourself frequently justifying their actions, especially when they’re treating you poorly, it’s essential to pause and reflect.

Are you making these excuses because you genuinely believe in your partner, or are you doing it because you’re afraid of being alone?

In a healthy relationship, there’s no need to make allowances for poor behavior.

Both parties should be treating each other with respect and kindness.

If that’s not the case, then love might not be the driving factor in your relationship.

It’s crucial to hold your partner accountable for their actions. Don’t let your fear of loneliness cloud your judgement.

5) You feel lonely even when you’re together

There’s something deeply heartbreaking about feeling alone even when you’re with someone.

In a relationship, it’s natural to want some personal space and time for oneself.

But if you often feel lonely, even in your partner’s presence, it might be a sign that your connection is more about avoiding solitude than about genuine love.

True love goes beyond just sharing a space—you share emotions, thoughts, dreams, and fears. You feel understood, seen, and valued.

If you’re with someone and still feel alone, it could be that you’re in the relationship more out of a fear of loneliness than out of actual love.

The beauty of being in a relationship isn’t just having someone by your side; it’s having someone who truly sees you and makes you feel less alone in the world.

6) Your future plans rarely include them

I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, often imagining my future and where I’ll be.

In one relationship, I noticed something peculiar. My dreams of the future—whether it was travelling to new places or advancing in my career—rarely included my partner.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care for them or enjoy their company. It was just that they didn’t naturally fit into these dreams of mine.

Looking back, I realize this was a clear sign that the relationship was a tool to ward off loneliness.

I wanted someone there with me in the present, but when it came to my future, they weren’t a part of the picture.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, where your visions of the future are devoid of your partner, it might be time to ask yourself if it’s the fear of being alone that’s keeping you together.

7) You’ve stopped growing as an individual

Personal growth is a vital part of life. We all want to evolve, learn, and become better versions of ourselves.

But sometimes, being in a relationship can stifle this growth, especially if it’s driven by fear of loneliness rather than love.

If you’ve stopped pursuing your interests, stopped setting personal goals, or feel like you’ve lost your sense of self in the relationship, it’s time to take a step back and evaluate.

A loving relationship should encourage your growth, not inhibit it. It should make you feel more like yourself, not less.

So if you’ve noticed that you’re stagnating as an individual, it might be an indication that your relationship is based on loneliness rather than love.

You deserve a relationship that helps you grow and thrive as a unique individual.

8) You’re not truly happy

At the end of the day, the most important thing is your happiness.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re not truly happy, it’s a clear sign that something isn’t right.

It could very well be that your relationship is rooted more in fear of loneliness than in love.

Happiness can’t be forced or feigned. It’s a genuine feeling that comes from being with someone who respects you, understands you, and loves you for who you are.

If that happiness is missing, it’s time to reevaluate. Because you deserve to be in a relationship that brings you joy, not one that just fills a void.

Final thoughts

Here’s the thing—self-love is the real deal.

It’s messy, not always Instagram-worthy, but it changes everything.

When you stop clutching at someone just to fill the silence, you discover something extraordinary: you’re enough, and you always were.

Love that comes from a place of wholeness? That’s the kind worth having.

So, if you’re facing the fear of being alone, take a breath. You’re not broken—you’re building something real with yourself.

And when the right person comes along, you won’t need them to fill a void. You’ll share a full, vibrant life.