Do you feel as though your relationship is in trouble? Are you remembering the good times and wondering what went wrong? And how to get back there?

If so, read these psychology-based signs and tips to understand if you have a problem, and if so, what to do about it!

1) Your default way of communicating is snarky

Think about the last few interactions with your partner. Were they snarky, in an unfriendly tone of voice? Was there bickering, criticisms, or put-downs?

When your partner asks you something or makes a bid for attention, do you respond kindly? Or with dismissiveness and derision? And what happens when you approach them? Maybe they ignore you aka stonewalling? 

Or do they get defensive when you suggest something or try to discuss a relationship issue?

If you’ve answered yes to any of this then your relationship is experiencing what psychologists Julie and John Gottman call “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling”.

From their studies they found that relationships where these behaviors were displayed were in grave danger of breaking up.

However, all is not lost!

By changing the way you speak to each other, you can save the relationship. I know that when I’m approached with a snarky tone, I’m likely to respond that way. But when I’m spoken to in a kind or loving way I respond in kind. And vice versa.

Take a look at the Gottmans’ website linked above, and consider learning about Nonviolent Communication to fix these issues.

2) You never spend quality time together

I have some friends who are married with children. Their relationship is experiencing issues and one of them mentioned it to me. 

I asked when they last spent some quality time together and he looked at me blankly. He said that with the children, and work, there was never any time for this.

I then asked if it was impossible to occasionally hire a babysitter and go for a nice night out. He realized that this was possible and so I asked him to recall the fun things they used to do. 

He remembered how much used to love going to see arthouse movies and interactive theatre, and they have now committed to doing things like that once a month.

Date night might sound corny but it’s essential to keep the connection and spark alive in relationships!

This article discusses various psychological studies that show the benefits of date nights and has some great suggestions to get you started! 

3) Your sex life is non-existent

Now as any new parent knows, sex can be the first thing to go out of the window, particularly when you mix the stress and tiredness of having a newborn with the hormones of a new mother.

However for many people, sex is an important component of a relationship, and the lack of it can cause ruptures, breakups, and even infidelity.

If you are a new parent then rather than focusing on the act of sex, think of lovemaking and tenderness, perhaps preparing a footbath or giving a hand or foot massage.

If this doesn’t apply, (or even if it does), try to create a space for open communication about intimacy. You might use books, articles, or videos as a starting point for an honest chat.

There is no shame in people having different sex drives and there are many ways to reintroduce intimacy in a way that works for both partners.

As the Gottman Institute says, “talking about sex is more intimate than having sex”.

4) You frequently find yourself dreaming of another partner

In a long-term relationship, it’s normal that you might start having feelings for another person. Relationships take work and there is a need to keep going through the good and bad times.

So it’s easy to see why you might find yourself idealizing someone at work or a friend, where everything is light and you can project your fantasies onto that person.

The key here is to realize that it’s just that – fantasies and projection.

As long as you and your partner are treating each other respectfully, then fantasizing about someone else is probably just a fad, or otherwise a way to avoid dealing with the issues at hand.

Consider relationship therapy, or any of the tips from above to start remembering why you chose each other. And that leads us to the work of relationship expert Esther Perel.

5) You’ve stopped valuing the things that first attracted you

We’ve talked about sex lives and the importance of quality time. Psychologist Esther Perel talks about erotic intelligence.

In a long-term relationship where we seek many things, she says we can find ourselves in a paradox. We struggle to balance our needs for security and stability with our desires for novelty, adventure, and eroticism.

Perel has lots of advice for couples experiencing this and even has a collection of cards to help you discuss various issues to become closer again.

One of her key pieces of advice is to remember why you were initially attracted to each other. She contends that when we see our partner in their element, usually independent from the relationship, that attraction is reignited.

This might be watching your partner at a dancing class, doing public speaking, or basically any area of life where they do things that you admire and therefore desire. It’s about seeing them independent and in their ‘flow state’, then appreciating that and feeling attracted to them once again.

6) You don’t make an effort to master each other’s love languages

Do you feel neglected in your relationship? Like your partner never really tries to do the things that are important to you? Maybe they’ve said the same to you.

This can be confusing as from your perspective you might be giving a lot and then feeling discouraged that it isn’t recognised.

This is where Gary Chapman’s work on the Five Love Languages comes in. He explains that we all have different ways of giving and receiving love, and that we have to learn our own and each others, in order to have a happy relationship.

Since Chapman wrote that, other psychologists and relationship experts have proposed that there are more than five. Some say seven, while Google suggests 12 different things:

• Affirmations
• Physical touch
• Quality time
• Acts of service
• Emotional
• Gifts
• Appreciation
• Financial
• Intellectual
• Practical
• Activity
• Physical

To keep things simple I prefer the seven model of love languages. This makes some important distinctions that Chapman’s work overlooks, but stops things from getting over complicated.

Ultimately while you may like giving gifts and giving emotional support, it may be that your partner values affirmations of love, acts of service, or quality time.

Discovering the different love languages, and working together to share what is important and meaningful can be a great way to revamp your relationship.

7) You’ve stopped supporting each other’s personal growth

Now, not everyone might agree with this one, but psychologists such as the Gottmans and Perel emphasize the importance of helping each other to grow as a person.

For me, one of the ideal traits I look for in a relationship is someone who is committed self-development – becoming the best version of themselves that they can. And helping me to do the same.

There are certain types of growth that we do best alone and others that come best from a relationship.

Personal growth can also mean lots of things, from learning from one’s mistakes to achieving new skills and competencies. 

Although not solely about relationships, Dr. Carol Dweck talks about the importance of a growth mindset for happiness and well-being, no matter what life throws at you.

As Dr. Carol puts it:

“Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? 

“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”

If you can bring some of these insights into your relationship, you’ll have done more than just given your relationship a makeover. You’ll be revolutionizing your life for the better!