6 signs your partner is secretly over the relationship, according to psychology

Movies often make it seem like getting into a relationship is the final destination of a slow-burn romance.
Once we admit our feelings to each other, we have arrived. What follows next is too boring to make for an entertaining story.
However, becoming a couple is only the start of another chapter, one that is just as exciting and challenging as the previous one – just in different ways.
And unfortunately, this kind of story doesn’t always have a happy ending. Not by far.
Here are the 6 signs your partner is secretly over the relationship, according to psychology.
1) They no longer initiate quality time together
“We know that spending time with our significant other is important. However, it is crucial to understand that there is a distinction between ‘quantity time’ and ‘quality time,’” says psychologist Mark Travers, PhD.
He continues: “Quality time is all about giving undivided attention to your partner, whether you are on a walk, watching a movie, or simply sitting together. This is an important part of any relationship and it is necessary for maintaining intimacy.”
The last sentence is key. Quality time is so incredibly essential in every romantic relationship that the moment it’s eradicated is the moment a relationship begins to end.
And that’s because quality time is how you build and nurture a sense of friendship. It’s all fun and games to have a rich sexual life, but friendship is the bedrock of a long-term relationship more than anything.
If your partner no longer seems interested in maintaining that sense of friendship – they don’t ask you about your day, they don’t come up with date plans, and they don’t take interest in your work or hobbies – it might very well mean they are secretly over the relationship as a whole.
As someone who’s been through this exact situation (that is, my ex-partner no longer strived to have an emotional and intellectual connection with me), I know just how painful it is to realize the person you love most is no longer an active participant in the what you two have built together.
But it’s also the first step toward freedom.
2) The magic of little love gestures is gone
You might think that a partner who orchestrates a grand surprise on your birthday or takes you on an expensive vacation once a year truly loves you, but the truth is that love is in the details.
As the leading expert in the study of emotions, Aaron Ben-Zeév PhD., says: “In genuine enduring love, continuous positive little actions are central; it is easier to fake one-off romantic gestures.”
This doesn’t mean that grand gestures are inherently bad or fake, of course. However, it does highlight the importance of little acts of kindness in everyday life.
Here’s an example for you. When my ex and I fell in love, he would ask me whether I wanted a cup of tea every time he made himself one.
He’d also often pick me up and spin me around, something I absolutely loved, and he enjoyed popping to the nearby store to get me a snack if I was craving something.
I appreciated and cherished these little gestures of love a great deal. To me, it signaled that he genuinely wanted to make me feel happy and cared for.
Until he stopped doing all of that, that is.
Over time, the magic of these little gestures disappeared until it was gone completely. I brought it up throughout the years, but his promises and plans ultimately never made it past our conversations and into the real world.
And that’s because he simply didn’t want to do those things anymore. He was over it. And I failed to see his reluctance for what it was.
3) They are less protective over you
First of all, let me say that obsessive protectiveness and possessiveness are very unhealthy and should be avoided.
However, a little bit of protectiveness here and there shows us that our partners genuinely care about us.
They might tell you to send them a message once you arrive home late at night just to make sure you’re okay, walk you home if possible, or look after you when you’re ill.
They might stand up for you in difficult situations, pick you up rather than have you take the bus, or bring your reading glasses on a holiday because they know you always forget them at home.
And then these kinds of protective gestures begin to evaporate.
I still remember the moment when it hit me that my ex-partner no longer cared about me the way he once used to.
I took the bus home late at night and messaged him to ask whether he could pick me up at the bus station – the neighbourhood wasn’t the safest, and I felt a bit scared.
He told me it was just a ten-minute walk and I could manage by myself.
Just months before, he would have picked me up straight away, no questions asked.
Something shifted between those two moments in time. His feelings toward me were not the same anymore.
4) They make promises they don’t keep
According to psychologist Randi Gunther, PhD, “Intimate partners must trust each other for a relationship to thrive. Their faith in each other’s promises and subsequent follow-through is what sustains their faith in the relationship and in each other.”
This is a big one.
You might think that reliability is nothing but a character trait, but when you think back to the beginning stages of your romantic relationship, there’s a high chance your partner showed up for you and kept their promises.
They were trying to impress you, after all. They genuinely tried. Over time, though, that effort lessened in intensity, and now… here we are.
Reliability isn’t just a quality some people possess and others don’t. It’s also an action that points toward a much more important issue: it often signals how much we care about other people.
If your partner doesn’t want to let you down, they will do their best to follow through on their promises. It truly is that simple.
Trust me. I’ve learned this the hard way.
5) They seem interested in everything but you
Your partner is a complex individual – it makes sense that you aren’t their only interest.
From hobbies they spend hours on to friends they go out with and career goals they’re working toward, your significant other won’t always have time for you, and that’s okay.
What isn’t okay is when the relationship takes such a backseat that they no longer care if you’re even there.
What isn’t okay is when you drop down to the bottom of their priority list.
When they’re around you, they are always on their phone. When you haven’t hung out together in a while, it doesn’t bother them – instead, they go to the pub with friends.
When you need them to be there for you, they make you feel like you’re inconveniencing them.
It’s not that you’re no longer the center of their universe. It’s that you are no longer a star of any major importance.
You’re just there, winking in and out of existence.
6) They take you for granted
The culmination of all the above-mentioned points is that a partner who is secretly over the relationship essentially takes you for granted.
They no longer appreciate and cherish you in the same way. They don’t recognize your worth.
They expect you to be on the periphery of their life, watching from the sidelines and patiently waiting to become available once they decide to pay you attention.
Sure, they might feel bad about this. Guilty even.
If they no longer care the way they used to, however, it’s very difficult to change their behavior. It’s hard to love you with the same intensity as before because they simply don’t feel that way anymore.
And oftentimes, they don’t admit that even to themselves, let alone you.
But if there’s one thing I want you to remember, it’s that you are so full of love that you aren’t anybody’s maybe. You are a resolute yes.
And if your partner is over the relationship, there are many people out there who would love nothing more than to show you just how much love you deserve.
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