15 signs your partner has unresolved guilt from a past relationship

The past is the past or at least it should be.
All too often, however, the past comes back to haunt us in relationships.
Nowhere is that more true than when you are dating somebody who is still cut up over a past relationship trauma and their guilt over what went down.
The signs are all there for you to see if you know where to look.
Here is what to look for if you are dating someone who seems to have a lot of emotional issues and has a strange reaction to subjects relating to their past relationships.
1) They’re emotionally closed off
The first indication that something’s not quite kosher is that your partner is very emotionally closed off.
You don’t want to read too much into it, but every time you try to get close to them or really get them to open up, they turn the other direction.
You start to wonder whether you’ve done something wrong, or whether they just have their own issues.
The answer is often in their past relationships and in guilt or shame which is tripping them up after the fact.
Which brings us to the next point…
2) They have trouble saying ‘I love you’
Every relationship moves at its own speed, and those three words don’t necessarily come easy.
But if your partner seems to have a special blockage to saying I love you, it sometimes relates to drama that went down in their last relationship.
If you try to ask them about it, that just starts a whole cycle of back and forth.
But you may start to feel genuinely uncomfortable if you find that you are going out on a limb to express affection and commitment but they don’t seem to be returning the favor.
What do you do next?
3) They have a poor self-image of themselves as a partner
The next indication that your partner is still hung up over something that went down in a past relationship is that they have an unrealistically bad view of themselves as a partner.
There is nothing about them or their behavior that is particularly upsetting or negative to you, however if you go by their own opinion of themselves they are one of the worst people ever.
The smallest problem in the relationship makes them doubt themselves and their own value, and no matter how much you try to reassure them it is like you were talking to a brick wall.
This is often because some major trauma went down in a past relationship that they simply cannot get over, often something partly or fully of their own doing.
4) They have a dread of letting you down or not being approved of
Codependency can run deep in a partner who is guilty about a past relationship gone wrong.
They are constantly asking for validation or approval from you in many indirect ways and seem to be unsure about your real motives for loving them.
It is like they feel they are damaged goods and you need to verify that that is not, in fact the case.
No matter how many times you verify that you do truly care for them and want this relationship to succeed, they seem to not believe you or at least to require it to be repeated in manifold ways.
5) They avoid deep conversations about relationships
The topic of relationships in love is something that comes up in general, in particular within relationships.
But if you have a partner who seems very avoidant of any of these deeper topics about love, it is often because they have been badly burned in the past.
They aren’t even willing to speak poorly of an ex or specifically say that something bad happened to them.
It is more that the subject of love in and of itself is something they want to avoid.
This is often a sign that they are guilty about their own actions or inaction in the past.
6) They get noticeably down and anxious at talk of their ex
If and when conversation about their ex does arise, your partner becomes noticeably anxious or uncomfortable.
You may notice that they try to act like everything is okay which I will get to, but they actually become highly nervous and jittery.
It is like they are trying to pretend that everything is fine but that is not actually the case. They are deeply ashamed or worried about something which happened with their ex and want to act like they are not. But if you look out for the actual moment that their behavior changes you will notice this.
7) They are very defensive about what went on in their past relationships
This ties into the previous point and relates to a partner who gets very defensive when talk of their past relationship comes up.
They become highly defensive and don’t want to talk about it.
They simply act as though what went down with their past relationship is not relevant, even though it may be highly relevant and you yourself have a right to know about it if things are getting serious with this person.
However in their mind it’s like nothing ever happened.
8) They act like the past never happened and brush off past breakups
On the flipside, sometimes a partner with a lot of guilt about the past acts like it never happened.
This is because they are actively repressing their feelings of guilt…
Depending on how good an actor your ex is, they may act like their past breakup was no big deal or barely even happened.
No matter how long the relationship lasted or how serious it seems, they outwardly insist that it’s no big deal or that they just grew apart from their partner or some other such cliche.
As Licensed Clinical Social Worker Jenni Jacobsen explains:
“People who have experienced an upsetting situation may repress their memories of the situation and their emotions as a way to cope.”
9) They go over the top in being nice to you and trying to please you
This relates to the need for approval seeking which I mentioned earlier.
The kind of partner who is guilty about their past behavior may turn to you for approval of their current self and their behavior often by living up to an unrealistically ideal image or role as a partner.
They try to do everything perfectly and have great anxiety about not living up to some perfect ideal which they imagine in their head.
10) They overcompensate on trying to be a good partner and please you
Even when you assure your partner that you care about them and they are a wonderful person, they are constantly overcompensating.
They go into a talespin of self-doubt at one change schedule item or the smallest and consistency.
They seem to be trying to walk a tightrope that you cannot see or validate.
But no matter how much you tell them to chill out and that you accept them for who they are, they act like there are invisible eyes watching them and insisting they do better.
These are often the invisible eyes of past guilt and their own inner critic.
11) They have trouble standing up for their own needs in the relationship
The partner wracked by guilt about a past relationship often has extreme trouble standing up for their own needs in the relationship.
Even a need for more time and space or a desire to discuss something with you may be left aside in their pursuit of living up to some kind of perfect ideal.
They just don’t want to let you down and they seem highly unable to articulate their own needs or position, especially if they feel that it may somehow go against you or clash in any way with your schedule, values, priorities or life.
12) They defer to your judgment on things even when they disagree with you
A partner who has unresolved guilt from a past relationship is likely to be very hesitant to disagree with you.
Even when they feel differently, they defer to you.
It’s this constant refusal to rock the boat in even the slightest way which really seems like overkill.
The irony is that in trying to maintain a “perfect” relationship with you they end up causing real fault lines of inauthenticity and doubt.