“It’s okay, I never really loved them anyway,” said the person who’s just been through a breakup.

You’ve probably said it yourself, too.

Although we know this line is used as a defense mechanism, there may actually be some truth behind it.

And it’s just not me making wild assumptions. I’ve got expert opinions to prove it.

So let’s get cut to the chase and dig into the 9 signs you were never in love, according to psychology.

1) Distance doesn’t upset you

Are you familiar with the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?

If you don’t, that’s fine because either way, this doesn’t apply to you – if you never really loved the person.

According to Dr Stephen J. Betchen, a marriage and family therapy expert, if you’re constantly staying away from your partner, it may not be love.

The same is true if being miles apart doesn’t bother you one bit.

He says that couples deeply in love usually look forward to spending as much time together as they can. Most of them can’t wait to get home after work or for the weekend just so they can be with each other.

So if your idea of spending time with them is once in a blue moon, you were probably captivated by the idea, and not necessarily the person itself.

2) You didn’t act like yourself

Moving on to another expert input, this time from American psychologist, Dr Mark Travers.

In his words, “one of the clearest signs of a fear-based relationship is not acting like yourself.”

What does this mean for you?

If you’re constantly having to tweak your personality only to keep your partner happy, that’s a glaring sign that your feelings don’t stem from genuine love.

Look at it this way:

If you’re always trying to pretend to be someone you’re not just so you could be the “perfect” partner, you’re not in the relationship for the joy it brings. 

The reality is, you’re there because you’re afraid of what could happen once you show your true colors and your partner dislikes what they see.

That’s not love, that’s fear.

3) You needed to feel needed

Here’s another one from Dr Travers that makes total sense:

Sometimes, what feels like love might actually be our need to feel important or needed by someone else. 

And I see why it’s easy to confuse the two:

Both can give us those warm, fuzzy feelings inside.

But here’s how they’re different:

Love is selfless. It’s all about wanting what’s best for the other person and genuinely caring for them.

On the flip side, needing to feel needed is more about ourselves. It’s a selfish desire to validate our own worth.

So, if you’re wondering whether you truly loved that person, let me throw this question back at you:

Did you love them for who they are, or did you love the way they made you feel needed?

4) You have no time for quality time…

….or you do, but you’re not the least bit interested in it.

In the opinion of Dr Nikki Coleman, people who don’t get excited about the idea of spending time with their partners are less likely to be genuinely in love.

She said this is especially true when you’re disinterested in sharing the mundane tasks of life with your beau. 

So if you’re quick to jump in for Netflix-and-Chill or a booty call, but you couldn’t care less when it comes to running errands or planning vacations together, understand this:

There are countless ways to describe and explain this behavior, but I assure you, none of them includes love. 

5) You suffered from FOBS

There’s FOMO (fear of missing out), and then there’s FOBS – the fear of being single.

In other words, you enter – or stay – in a relationship not out of love, but because you’re terrified of being alone.

But here’s where it gets interesting:

Research suggests that your fear of being single can actually lead you to lower your standards just so you can fill the void of a companion.

It’s like those big outlet sales or exclusive launches. 

You buy things not because you need them, but because you’re scared to miss out on amazing deals.

In the case of relationships, it doesn’t matter if someone falls short of your criteria. 

You’ll date them anyway, just as long as you don’t end up alone.

6) You’re not interested in learning more about them

Psychology experts believe there are telltale signs that you simply don’t care (and, in this case, love) your partner at all.

Here are a few they’ve identified:

• You don’t check in on your partner’s feelings.
• You don’t ask for life updates.
• You show zero interest in what’s going on in their life.
• You don’t consult their opinion on anything.
• You don’t consider how your actions can impact them and their feelings.

They say it’s forgivable if these actions happen infrequently, but if that’s been your default behavior in the relationship, then it’s almost an affirmation that you never loved them in the first place. 

As to why you are/were in the relationship?

Only you can truthfully answer that.

7) Your sex life was practically dead

This one baffles me, so I might also file this under the only-you-can-answer folder.

Based on the input of marriage and family therapist Surabhi Jagdish, your sex life can say much about your love for a person. 

She says that if you’d rather not think about being intimate with your partner or if you have no desire to get hot and sweaty with them, it could well mean that you no longer have (or never had) love for them.

And here’s what stumps me:

Obviously, it’s not for lust, and we’ve already established it’s not for love – so what could have been your reason to stay?

8) You were operating with a fuzzy mind

I’m going to keep the momentum of questions by throwing you a few more regarding that someone you’re doubtful you genuinely loved:

• Did you once put them on a pedestal, believing they were “perfect”?
• Did you sacrifice your values for the sake of being with them?
• Did you daydream about them to the point that your thoughts affected your work, school, and/or interaction with others?
• Did you struggle with unreasonable and intense jealousy about your relationship?

If you said yes to any of these questions, chances are it wasn’t love. 

Psychologists believe the above behaviors are consistent with someone who is infatuated.

Apparently, your infatuation distorts your thinking, causing you to think out of reason. 

On the contrary, they point to the signs of genuine love as being discerning and clear in thinking. 

This means that true love allows you to see the person for the imperfect being they are but still love them anyway. 

It also means respecting each other’s individuality, requiring no one to sacrifice their principles or identity. 

It’s not always easy to spot the difference between genuine love and infatuation. 

But since we’re on a roll with questions, here’s one that the experts encourage you to ask yourself whenever you can’t decide between the two:

“Do you feel balanced or bonkers? Are you in love or insane?”

9) It was just limerence

Limerence – a new word I’ve learned while researching for this listicle. 

Don’t worry, I won’t gatekeep. Here’s what it means:

Psychology Today defines it as “a state of involuntary obsession with another person. The experience of limerence is different from love or lust in that it is based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the “limerent object” in the literature, also desires you.”

It’s sort of like a one-sided infatuation on steroids, isn’t it? 

But the experts make a clear distinction between limerence, love, and infatuation:

It turns out someone who is limerent doesn’t care about the well-being of the person they’re obsessing over. 

They may not even want to be a part of that relationship, nor do they desire to be intimate with the object of their obsession.

Ultimately, the focus of someone in a limerent state is whether or not the person they’re obsessed with feels the same way towards them. 

So it’s definitely not infatuation, lust, and absolutely not love. 

Clearly, it’s more about chasing a feeling and not about building something real.

The love that wasn’t

Now that we’ve unpacked the signs it wasn’t really love, did any of them get you saying, “Oops, that’s me”?

Don’t worry, a couple of them felt like it was directed at me, too.

And there’s no shame in admitting that we were once (or twice) fooled into thinking we were in love.

Think of it like mistaking wasabi for guacamole – jarring, yet it makes for an epic story later.