Parenting is a balancing act.

It’s about guiding your child to become capable of making their own discernments.

In our desire to protect our children, we can often become more controlling than we can justify. Without even realizing it, we can slip into an authoritarian parenting style.

If you’re not sure what that means, let me clarify. An authoritarian parent tries to shape and control all aspects of their child’s life, often leaving little room for the child’s own choices and individuality.

The tricky part is, most times we fall into this pattern unknowingly. However, there are certain telltale signs that you might be an authoritarian parent without even realizing it.

Let’s take a look at some signs you might be putting your child under too much pressure and control.

1) High expectations

As parents, it’s natural to want the best for our children and to push them towards success.

But sometimes, without even realizing it, we might be setting the bar too high.

Authoritarian parents often have unrealistically high expectations of their children — which negatively impacts their self-esteem. This can manifest in many areas – from academics and sports to behavior and manners.

If you find yourself frequently disappointed because your child hasn’t met your standards, you might be slipping into an authoritarian style.

It’s important to remember that while having expectations is not wrong, they should be reasonable and considerate of your child’s capabilities and individuality.

Take a step back and evaluate.

Are your expectations helping your child grow or are they causing unnecessary stress? 

2) Strict rules with no room for discussion

Let me share a personal story. I remember when my son wanted to join the school soccer team. I had a rule: Homework and chores must be done before any extracurricular activities.

One day, he came home asking if he could go to soccer practice first because they had an important game coming up and needed the extra practice. I immediately said no, citing our household rule.

But then I saw the frustration in his eyes, and it hit me. Was I being inflexible?

Authoritarian parents often implement strict rules with little or no room for discussion or negotiation. While rules are important in maintaining discipline, it’s also crucial to allow some flexibility and let your child voice their thoughts and concerns.

If your rules are absolute and non-negotiable, you’re likely leaning towards an authoritarian parenting style. 

3) Lack of emotional warmth

In an interesting study by psychologists, it was found that children of authoritarian parents often perceive their parents to be less warm and nurturing compared to children of authoritative parents.

Authoritarian parents are often more focused on rules and discipline, and they may unintentionally neglect the emotional aspect of parenting. If you often find yourself prioritizing obedience over your child’s emotional needs, this could be a sign of an authoritarian parenting style.

Children need emotional support and understanding just as much as they need guidance and discipline. Balancing these aspects is crucial for their overall emotional and psychological growth.

4) Overemphasis on punishment

One common characteristic of an authoritarian parenting style is the heavy reliance on punishment for bad behavior.

This doesn’t necessarily mean physical punishment, it could also be in the form of time-outs, withdrawal of privileges, or verbal reprimands.

While it is important to teach your child about consequences, an over-reliance on punishment can create fear and resentment. Instead of learning why their behavior was wrong, your child might just be learning to avoid punishment.

Try focusing more on positive reinforcement and explaining the reasoning behind your rules. It’s about teaching, not just controlling.

5) Limited choices for the child

When my daughter was little, I used to lay out her clothes every morning. I picked what she ate for breakfast, which books she read, even how she spent her free time.

It wasn’t until a teacher pointed out that my daughter had trouble making decisions on her own that I realized I might be doing more harm than good.

An authoritarian parenting style tends to limit the child’s ability to make choices. While it’s necessary to make decisions for our children in their early years, as they grow, it’s equally important to gradually give them more autonomy.

If you’re making all the decisions for your child and not allowing them the freedom to make their own choices, you may be exhibiting an authoritarian parenting style. Encouraging independence and decision-making skills is vital for their development into confident and capable adults.

6) Lack of patience and understanding

Parenting is a demanding job. And sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we might lose our patience and react rather than respond to our child’s behavior.

Authoritarian parents often lack patience and understanding when their child makes a mistake, behaves poorly, or doesn’t meet expectations.

If you often find yourself losing your cool and reacting harshly instead of taking the time to understand the situation, you might be leaning towards an authoritarian parenting style.

Children are learning and growing. Mistakes and misbehavior are part of their learning process.

Demonstrating patience and understanding can help them learn from these experiences in a positive way.

7) Your child’s fear outweighs their respect

The most important thing to remember is that parenting is not about control, but fostering a relationship based on respect and love. If your child is more afraid of you than they are respectful towards you, this is a clear sign of an authoritarian parenting style.

Fear can lead to secretive behavior, lack of self-confidence, and resentment. While respect encourages open communication, instills confidence, and builds a strong parent-child relationship.

Take a quick moment to reflect. Is your child’s behavior driven by respect or fear?

The answer can give you significant insight into your parenting style.

Reflecting on your parenting approach

Parenting, at its core, is about nurturing a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship with your child. It’s a journey filled with self-discovery and growth, not just for the child, but for us as parents too.

The signs of an authoritarian parenting style that we’ve examined serve as a mirror, reflecting our own behaviors and attitudes. They offer us the opportunity to pause, introspect and realign ourselves if necessary.

As parents, we have the profound responsibility and privilege to shape these young minds. So it’s essential for us to be mindful of the impressions we make.

Are our actions fostering fear or cultivating respect?

Are we controlling or guiding?

Are we stifling their individuality or encouraging their independence?