Loneliness is a difficult and painful experience, especially when you’re young. 

It’s not necessarily that nobody’s around, but that you grew up feeling invisible and not met or wanted for who you were. 

This leaves scars and certain behaviors and challenges that are unique to those who had quite a lonely childhood. 

Psychology provides valuable insights into the signs your childhood was lonelier than most and what it means in terms of the obstacles you face in adult life. 

Let’s take a closer look… 

1) It’s hard for you to form close relationships

Individuals who experienced loneliness in childhood tend to find it much more challenging to form deep, meaningful connections later in life. 

This difficulty stems from a lack of early social interactions and emotional bonds and from feeling unwanted or overlooked as a youngster. 

You feel a deep desire for companionship and closeness with others, but you also feel like it’s a steep uphill climb: worse, rejection and disinterest hits you much harder than most. 

“As many as 80% of individuals under the age of 18 and 40% of those over the age of 65 report being lonely,” notes licensed counselor Melissa Madeson, Ph.D.

“Human beings are thoroughly social creatures and depend on connection for survival. Loneliness can have a dramatic impact on social, emotional, cognitive, and physical wellbeing.”

Childhood loneliness often leads to a pattern of either chasing or avoiding others. 

Which brings me to the next point… 

2) Attachment issues cause concern and confusion 

Attachment styles were theorized by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s and described early bonding patterns between infants and caregivers. 

Infants who get too much attention and love or not enough tend to develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles, pursuing later relationships in an anxious, needy way or an avoidant, detached way. 

Many cycle between both anxious and avoidant. 

If you had a particularly lonely childhood, you’re likely to struggle with anxious or avoidant tendencies in your relationships and often won’t quite know why you’re doing what you do. 

This can greatly impact your ability to form healthy bonds with others, and unfortunately lonely childhoods are only becoming a bigger problem in our society.

As psychiatrist Douglas Newton M.D., M.P.H. notes:

“Unfortunately, since the pandemic, loneliness in our youth is at a record high because, as I covered in my last post, we are social beings and our brains have developed over millennia to interact with other humans.”

3) Befriending and connecting with others doesn’t come easy

A lonely childhood tends to result in limited social skills. 

Because you didn’t have a ton of fulfilling or interesting social interaction and inclusion as a kid, you aren’t quite sure how to handle it now. 

You may struggle with basic social cues, such as maintaining eye contact, initiating conversations, or understanding social norms.

You may also find it hard to tell when somebody is “just being nice” or is romantically or sexually interested in you. 

Because you didn’t get the interactions and attention you needed growing up, your finesse in navigating social situations is now limited. Which brings me to the next issue of those who grew up feeling lonely: 

4) Social situations cause you anxiety and self-doubt

Children who were lonely often withdraw from social situations, preferring solitude over interaction with peers. This withdrawal may continue into adulthood, leading to feelings of isolation and difficulty in social settings.

As psychologist Denise K. Ambre, LCSW writes:

“Childhood trauma is closely correlated with depression and anxiety (including social anxiety) in adulthood, inhibiting an individual’s ability to socialize effectively — and to form meaningful long-term relationships.”

5) Solo activities and adventures are your go-to choice

Those who had a lonely childhood may feel more comfortable engaging in solitary activities rather than socializing with others. 

This preference for solitude tends to persist throughout life, leading to a solitary lifestyle.

It’s not that you don’t like people, per se, it’s just that they’re a lot of bother and you feel somewhat intimidated and overwhelmed by them. 

Doing “your own thing” and going about solitary activities, by contrast, comes more naturally, which is why as an adult you often find yourself gravitating towards solitude and solo activities. 

This isn’t a bad thing, of course, but it can be limiting, especially if you actually have a lot of repressed desire for social connection and extroversion that isn’t being allowed to flourish. 

6) Most of your strongest bonds are formed online

Individuals who experienced significant loneliness in childhood tend to rely heavily on technology for social connection. 

This reliance on virtual interactions, such as social media or online gaming, is a coping mechanism for feelings of isolation.

You may eventually meet online friends in real life, of course, but you also may not do so and may build an entire social and romantic life that never comes into the real world. 

If you find yourself in this camp, you’re far from alone, and psychologists agree that younger people turning to the internet for companionship is an increasing issue in society. 

As psychologist Michael Ungar Ph.D. notes: 

“All that time children are spending online with so little contact with peers (or the adults in their lives) is a source of worry for many parents. And with good reason: 

“Our children are putting themselves at risk for a lifetime of social isolation and the mental health problems that come with it.”

7) There’s a persistent feeling of not being good enough

Loneliness during childhood often contributes to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. 

Without positive social interactions and support, children internalize negative beliefs about themselves.

Sadly, these negative beliefs often persist into adulthood, with kids feeling like they aren’t good enough. 

If this sounds like you, then you likely deal with a constant feeling like there’s just something missing in you that would make you feel secure and good enough to just be yourself. 

As Dr. Jonice Webb Ph.D. writes:

“For many, the idea of growing up with your feelings under-responded to by your parents seems like it should be no big deal. 

“But, in reality, there are ways in which this kind of upbringing undermines some of the key building blocks for forming rewarding connections and relationships with others.”

8) Rejection hits you right in your core and causes severe distress

Individuals who experienced loneliness as children often develop a heightened sensitivity to rejection or criticism. 

If you relate to this, then you likely feel a lot more caution in social interactions and more prone to feelings of hurt or isolation.

The damage done by early childhood loneliness can be quite enormous, and now in later life you feel very sensitive about it happening again. 

So you try to hide and protect yourself from more rejection.

9) You tend to push down and deny how you feel

Loneliness during childhood often hinders the development of emotional intelligence and emotional expression. 

As a result, you may struggle to identify and communicate your emotions effectively, leading to interpersonal difficulties.

This serves a purpose, since kids tend to withdraw and be alone on purpose to find out their place and decide what to do differently when they feel left out. 

The problem is that sometimes this withdrawal becomes a lifelong pattern of detaching and repressing emotions. 

“A short period of social withdrawal can help a child to reassess her situation and plan for new relationships. The problem is that this pattern of withdrawal can become a pattern that never gets solved,” observes Ungar.

10) Heightened risk of depression and anxiety

Loneliness during childhood can have long-term effects on mental health, increasing the risk of depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders. 

These effects often persist into adulthood if not addressed through therapy or deeper understanding of unmet childhood needs. 

Building supportive networks should start at a young age or be done later in adulthood if that didn’t happen as a youngster. 

No matter how much therapy is done, there’s really no replacement for rich social networks and friendships in the real world. 

As Ungar explains:

“No amount of mental gymnastics is going to produce a long-term change in a child’s experience of loneliness unless new relationships are there for her to find. A child doesn’t need a lot of friends. She just needs a small reliable group of people who remind her that she matters.”

What can be done?

Sadly, many folks grow up in lonely and isolating childhoods where they feel overlooked or inadequate. 

It’s important to note that experiencing some of these signs does not necessarily mean you had an especially lonely childhood, as individual experiences vary. 

Your issues and challenges may spring from entirely different sources. 

However, recognizing these signs can help you understand and deal with the impact of childhood loneliness on your adult life. 

Therapy and supportive relationships can be valuable resources for healing and building fulfilling connections as you heal from a childhood where you didn’t get the support or inclusion you wanted.