7 signs you grew up in a family that deeply struggled with communication

Mia Zhang by Mia Zhang | September 5, 2024, 10:16 am

Growing up in a family that struggled with communication, I always felt confused, like I was constantly trying to piece together clues just to understand what was happening around me. 

You might have felt the same way—every conversation might have felt delicate and fragile. The wrong word could lead to a full-blown family drama or, worse, more heavy silence.

In these environments, we often learn to tread carefully, interpreting glances and sighs as though they were detailed explanations.

It’s a peculiar kind of loneliness, being surrounded by your closest family yet feeling miles apart because the bridge of clear communication was never really built.

As we delve deeper into the signs of a family that struggled with communication, you might recognize these 7 patterns and their impact on your own ways of connecting with people today.

1) Lack of emotional expression

Ever noticed how some families wear their hearts on their sleeves, communicating openly about their feelings?

Well, if you grew up in a family that struggled with communication, this might not have been the case.

Emotions were probably kept under wraps. “I’m fine” might have been the standard response to the question “How are you?” even when things were clearly not fine.

And let’s be honest.

This lack of emotional expression often leads to a difficulty in understanding and expressing your own emotions as an adult.

It’s like you’ve been programmed to keep feelings bottled up, making emotional conversations uncomfortable or even downright scary.

2) Avoidance of difficult conversations

Growing up, I remember my family avoiding difficult conversations like the plague.

If a topic was uncomfortable or could potentially lead to conflict, it was swiftly swept under the rug.

I clearly recall one incident where my sister and I had a huge disagreement over something trivial (as siblings often do).

Instead of addressing the issue and facilitating a discussion between us, my parents chose to ignore the whole situation.

The result?

A week-long cold war, with no resolution in sight. This avoidance of difficult conversations left me feeling unheard and invalidated.

It also taught me this unhealthy habit of evading conflict situations instead of addressing them head-on.

Now, I’m not blaming my parents or anything. They did their best with what they knew.

But it’s important to recognize these patterns so we can break the cycle and improve our own communication skills.

3) Silence was the default response

We’ve all heard that silence can be golden. But in my family, it was more like an overused currency.

Any time a difficult topic came up or a heated argument broke out, the default response was to retreat into silence. 

Unfortunately, all those unsaid words just pile up, creating a wall of misunderstanding and resentment.

Over time, this “wall of silence” can seem insurmountable, making honest communication feel like an uphill battle.

And you know what’s the hardest part?

It’s the fact that silence becomes a habit – a lifestyle, even. It seeps into your adult life, making it difficult to break out of this cycle and express yourself openly and honestly.

4) Constant criticism and negative feedback

You know that feeling when you’re constantly walking on eggshells, worried about the next wave of criticism that might come your way? That was a regular part of my life growing up.

My family had this knack for offering criticism and negative feedback, often without any constructive advice or encouragement to balance it out. It was like living in a constant state of scrutiny.

Don’t get me wrong.

A bit of constructive criticism is healthy. It helps us grow and improve. But when it’s relentless and unbalanced, it can severely affect your self-esteem and confidence.

And the worst part?

This constant barrage of negative feedback can lead to a fear of communication.

You start associating communication with criticism, which can make you hesitant to express your thoughts or feelings openly.

5) Non-verbal communication was non-existent

In the world of communication, words are just the tip of the iceberg. Did you know that a whopping 93% of our communication is actually non-verbal?

This includes facial expressions, body language, gestures, and tone of voice.

But in my family, this non-verbal communication was pretty much non-existent. Our faces were like blank canvases, revealing nothing about our thoughts or emotions.

Our body language was rigid, our tone of voice monotone.

It was as if we were living in a silent movie, where words were the only means of communication.

But when those words are few and far between, what’s left? A whole lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

Learning to interpret non-verbal cues is key to effective communication.

But when you grow up without it, you can often struggle to read these cues in your adult life, leading to miscommunication and missed connections.

6) Fear of vulnerability and intimacy

Being vulnerable and intimate in our communications requires a certain level of trust and emotional safety. It means opening up, showing our true selves, our fears, our hopes, our dreams.

If you’ve grown up in a family that struggled with communication, there’s a good chance vulnerability and intimacy were missing from your family dynamics.

It’s not that your family didn’t care about each other. Quite the opposite. They probably cared so much that they were afraid of opening up, afraid of getting hurt.

And you know what?

It’s okay. We all have our protective mechanisms. But when we carry this fear into adulthood, it can hinder our ability to form deep and meaningful connections with others.

Understand, it’s never too late to learn and grow. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards a more open and intimate way of communicating.

7) No room for individuality

In a family that struggles with communication, individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions often get suppressed in favor of maintaining peace or avoiding conflict.

It’s like living in an echo chamber where the only voices you hear are those that align with the majority.

This can lead to a sense of lost identity. You might find yourself constantly seeking approval or validation because your own voice was never truly heard or valued.

Growing up in such an environment can make you feel like your thoughts and feelings aren’t important. Let me tell you this – they are.

Your voice matters. Your feelings are valid. And your individuality is what makes you, you. Never forget that.

Embracing the journey towards better communication

If any of these signs hit close to home, it’s not a life sentence. It’s simply a starting point for understanding your communication patterns.

Here’s the silver lining – you’re already making strides towards better communication just by recognizing these signs.

Self-awareness is the first step towards change. And let’s be clear, changing long-held habits isn’t an overnight job. It requires patience and kindness towards yourself.

Begin by observing your own communication habits – When do you retreat into silence? Are you afraid of expressing your emotions? Do you find it hard to be vulnerable with others?

As you identify these patterns, challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone. Start small, express an opinion, share a feeling, open up a difficult conversation.

The journey towards better communication isn’t about becoming perfect.

It’s about becoming more authentically you – someone who can express their thoughts, feelings, and desires confidently and clearly.

So take a deep breath and step into this journey of self-discovery and growth. You might surprise yourself with how far you can go.