Many of us live in highly indirect cultures, especially in the anglosphere. 

Particularly in work interactions and public situations, politeness and being “nice” are highly valued.

As a result, many individuals become quite skilled at hiding their true feelings.

So how can you tell when somebody actually dislikes you deep down but is only pretending to be cool with you?

Psychology has the answers:

Let’s dive in.

1) Excessive politeness

Excessive politeness is a red flag when it comes to somebody secretly disliking you. 

The politeness essentially serves as a suit of armor for this person:

By doing everything “correctly” they can block any real and genuine interaction with you, keeping their mask on socially.

As psychology researcher Vlad Niculae found in an extensive study based on behavior of strategy boardgame players: “Players who were excessively polite in general were more likely to betray, and people who were suddenly more polite were more likely to become victims of betrayal.”

2) Avoiding eye contact

Eye contact is foundational to building trust and bonding. 

When somebody dodges eye contact with you or makes only very occasional eye contact, it’s generally a sign that they are uncomfortable with you on a subtle level. 

They don’t want to fight with you or have a conflict, but they also don’t particularly want to be around you or interact with you. 

So they avert their eyes and avoid making prolonged eye contact with you. 

As psychology writer and prosecutor Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD. notes that repeated studies have identified “eye contact as a critical, natural component of communication used to convey liking and attraction.” 

3) Not asking you questions

The best way to get to know somebody better is to ask them questions and let them talk. 

However when a person actually dislikes you but doesn’t want to show it, it often manifests by what isn’t happening instead of what is. 

They aren’t actually asking you about your life, your values, your experiences or your feelings. 

If you stop and consider, when was the last time this person asked you anything about yourself or your opinion on anything? When did they last seek your input? 

There’s just a void there where a real friendship or relationship would have curiosity and exploration.

While you may be curious about them, the feeling clearly isn’t mutual. 

4) Usually being too busy to talk or hang out

When somebody strongly dislikes you but doesn’t want to show it, they will often be absent when you call or text them.

They always seem to be busy and not around to spend time with you. 

Even if it’s just a friendly get-together or a quick chat about something at work, they’re always otherwise occupied. 

This can be quite confusing at first, especially if you’re a pleasant and kind person, but it’s important to keep in mind that not everybody likes the same type of people. 

“How nice a person is may not be an important factor to someone else. For example: They may prefer someone edgy, sarcastic, hip, or any other specific qualities that could appeal to another person,” observes psychotherapist Karen Arluck, LCSW.

5) Closed and avoidant body language and actions

Body language often says what the mouth doesn’t. 

When somebody strongly dislikes you but doesn’t want to show it, take a look at their body language:

Key signs that they secretly despise you include:

• Leaning away when you get close
• Turning their feet pointing away from you
• Averting their gaze (as aforementioned)
• Crossing their arms 
• Frequently checking their watch or phone 

“Such behavior shows that the person is extremely uncomfortable and unwilling to connect, in addition to giving a clue about their negative emotions,” notes psychology writer Linda Wilson.

6) Dodging physical contact and affection

On a related note to having closed body language around you, the person who secretly hates you will dodge physical affection and touch between the two of you. 

If you get too close they may even flinch as if they’re allergic to you or worried about getting an electric shock. 

This is their instinctive and strong dislike rising spontaneously to the surface and unable to be hidden. 

If they are in a position where they have to shake hands with you or going in for a hug is expected, they will do so as briefly and perfunctorily as possible. 

They don’t want to touch you any longer than they have to. 

7) Low-key putdowns and negs

When a person has an aversion to you but doesn’t want to show it, it will often show through in the subtext of what they say. 

Low-key insults and backhanded compliments (or “negs”) are common things to look for here. 

A typical example of a neg would be something like “I’m so glad you’re so accomplished in your career and so far ahead of most of us regular joes. Sounds like you’re a really impressive accountant.” 

It’s hard for this to be delivered in a fully sincere voice.

This is the type of thing somebody says when it’s barbed with sarcasm and resentment. 

It’s designed to make you feel guilty for being successful, and is also laced with the implication that being an accountant is boring and effete.

8) Rarely opening up at all

When somebody dislikes you they want to do one of two things:

• Clash with you and undermine or insult you.
• Avoid you and get away from you

Because option two is often the most common in polite, anglosphere nations, the avoidance of eye contact, closed body language, catty comments and other behavior is often the most common. 

This also goes hand-in-hand with them rarely opening up at all to you and not sharing their inner world in any real way. 

As dating coach and psychology writer Cher Gopman observes: “While everyone is different regarding how much about their personal life they share in various circumstances, if someone regularly withholds information from you that has to do with what you are doing together, then there is probably some issue between you.”

9) Not inviting you to things

When somebody secretly dislikes you, they routinely exclude you from gatherings, events or invitations of any kind. 

They will generally make excuses about forgetting or claim that they didn’t think you would be interested in attending. 

But underneath their excuses is a clear reality:

They despise you. And often it is their own issue, not yours. But the sad result is that they end up cutting you out of their social circle. 

As Arluck notes: “Not fitting in in high school is one of the most common examples of being a poor fit for a group out of no fault of one’s own, and how difficult and painful this can be.”

10) Springing passive-aggressive traps

The person who secretly despises you will often engage in passive-aggressive behavior.

Their hostility and resentment squeaks through the cracks in passive-aggressive remarks and small traps that they spring for you all the time. 

Typical examples would be asking what you think about something and then attacking you on your answer, or giving judgmental advice that makes you feel bad and then becoming defensive when you respond in disappointment. 

Although they hide their feelings behind a facade of friendliness, a closer look at how they actually treat you reveals the truth of their dislike of you. 

Instead of being honest about negative emotions, this person – and anglophone culture as a whole – hides anger, hate and conflict under a fake veneer of harmony and politeness. 

This is a shame, because real progress won’t be made until we acknowledge that our difficult and “negative” emotions are just as much a part of us (and other people) as any other emotions. 

Forensic psychologist and professor emeritus Michael Karson PhD., JD puts it well: “Society can be made better—the world can become more just—only if we acknowledge that hostility, rage, and hatred are a part of human nature. Otherwise, hatred comes out untamed and unmanaged.”