We’re all guilty of it—judging someone by their cover.

The colleague who skips small talk at the coffee machine? Probably cold. The neighbor who never waves? Definitely unfriendly.

But what if we’re wrong?

What if these “cold” individuals are just coconuts in disguise—tough on the outside, but soft and brimming with kindness on the inside?

Kindness isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes it’s woven into the quieter moments—the ones that take a little patience to notice.

So, let’s pull back the curtain on 10 subtle signs that someone might actually have a heart of gold, even if they don’t show it right away.

1) They listen more than they speak

Isn’t it surprising how the quietest person in the room often turns out to be the kindest?

Here’s the thing: kind people value others and their viewpoints.

They might not be the first to speak up, but they’ll often be the last to stop listening.

You see, someone who seems cold on the surface might just be taking the time to absorb what’s being said, rather than rushing to respond.

It’s a subtle sign of respect and consideration for others.

Listening is an underrated form of kindness. It makes others feel heard, valued and understood.

So next time you encounter someone who seems a bit reserved, don’t rush to judge. They might just be quietly showing their kindness through their attentive listening.

2) They are there when you need them

Have you ever had someone show up for you unexpectedly during a tough time?

I have, and let me tell you, it was a game-changer.

A few years back, I hit a rough patch. It was one of those life-altering periods where everything seemed to be falling apart.

I had a colleague at work who I always thought was a bit cold and unapproachable. We hardly ever chatted beyond the usual office talk.

But she noticed. She saw through my brave front and one day, she simply said, “If you need to talk, I’m here.”

And she meant it.

She’d often check on me, offering silent support, sometimes a coffee, other times a much-needed pep talk.

In retrospect, her seemingly cold exterior was just her way of dealing with her own life’s complexities.

Yet, she took the time to extend her kindness to me when I needed it most. It’s these quiet acts of kindness that truly show someone’s character.

So don’t be too quick to tag someone as cold or distant. They might just be the friend you never knew you needed.

3) They remember small details

A seemingly aloof individual may actually be highly observant, storing away little tidbits about people around them.

This is a subtle form of kindness that often goes unnoticed.

Did you know that our brains are wired to remember emotionally charged events more than mundane ones?

This is due to the amygdala, an almond-shaped structure in our brain that processes emotional reactions.

When someone recalls small details, it means they have attached significance to that interaction with you.

So, if that reserved person in your life remembers your coffee order or asks after your sick pet, it’s a sign they deeply care.

They’ve taken the time to remember something about you, and in their own quiet way, they’re showing they value your relationship.

4) They respect personal boundaries

Now, this is an interesting one.

We often equate kindness with closeness or physical affection, but sometimes, it’s good to maintain a respectful distance.

Kindness isn’t always just giving out hugs and high fives. It means understanding and respecting personal space.

It’s about recognizing that not everyone is comfortable with the same level of physical or emotional closeness.

That person who seems cold or distant? They might just be giving you the room you need to breathe.

They’re acknowledging your boundaries and being careful not to overstep them. It’s a sign of deep respect, and yes, kindness.

So next time someone respects your personal space, don’t mistake it for coldness. It could very well be a sign of their kindness.

5) They’re quick to forgive

It’s easy to hold onto grudges, isn’t it?

But truly kind people, they’ve mastered the art of letting go.

Someone who seems cold or detached might not be quick to express their feelings, but they are often the quickest to forgive.

They understand that everyone makes mistakes and choose not to hold those mistakes against them.

They won’t make a big show of their forgiveness, either.

There won’t be dramatic declarations, just a simple, genuine willingness to move past the issue.

So if that seemingly standoffish person doesn’t hold your slip-ups against you, it’s a pretty solid sign of their kindness.

They’re choosing peace over conflict, understanding over resentment – and that’s a beautiful thing.

6) They show empathy

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who just gets it?

Who understands without you having to explain every detail? That’s empathy, and it’s a surefire sign of kindness.

Empathy allows you to feel with people. It allows you to understand someone else’s perspective and share their emotions.

That person who seems cold or unemotional on the outside? They might just be carrying a wealth of empathy inside.

They might not wear their heart on their sleeve, but they’re likely to lend an empathetic ear when you need it most.

Kindness doesn’t always shout from the rooftops; sometimes, it whispers in quiet moments of understanding.

And that level of empathy? That’s kindness at its most profound.

7) They do small acts of kindness

I was once told, “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.”

It’s something that has stuck with me, and I’ve seen it play out in my own life.

A while back, during a particularly challenging time, I was on the receiving end of a small act of kindness from an unexpected source.

A coworker, who was often quiet and reserved, left a note on my desk. It was simple, just a few kind words of encouragement.

This person, who usually kept to herself, had noticed I was struggling and took a moment to reach out.

She didn’t make a big deal out of it or even wait for me to find the note. It was just a small act of kindness she quietly carried out.

Sometimes, it’s the smallest acts of kindness that make the biggest impact.

8) They’re not afraid to be honest

Honesty and kindness? Seems like an odd pair, doesn’t it? But truth be told, they often go hand in hand.

Being kind does not always mean being nice in the conventional sense.

It sometimes means telling someone a hard truth they need to hear for their own growth or wellbeing.

It means caring for someone enough to be upfront with them, even when it’s uncomfortable.

That person who seems cold or blunt may just be expressing their kindness through honesty. They care enough to tell you the truth, even if it’s hard.

If that seemingly distant person is honest with you, even when it’s tough, they’re showing you a deep form of kindness.

They value your relationship enough to be truthful, and that’s a sign of real kindness.

9) They are consistent

Consistency might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of kindness.

But trust me, it’s a telltale sign of a truly kind person.

Kindness isn’t the same as performing one-off acts or sudden bursts of generosity.

It means being consistently considerate and understanding, day in and day out. Real kindness is showing up, being reliable, and demonstrating care in a steady, unwavering manner.

That person who seems cold or aloof? Pay attention to their actions over time.

You might notice they’re the most consistent person you know. They’re there, steady as a rock, showing their kindness through their reliable presence.

It’s a distinct sign of their underlying kindness.

10) They treat everyone with respect

At the end of the day, kindness boils down to one simple thing: respect.

Respect for people’s feelings, respect for their experiences, respect for their time and effort. 

Treating everyone – from the CEO to the janitor – with the same level of decency and consideration is the definition of respect.

That seemingly cold person in your life? Watch how they interact with others.

If they treat everyone with the same level of respect, regardless of their status or relationship, it’s a sure sign of their kindness.

Kindness doesn’t mean being warm or friendly all the time. It means showing respect, even when no one is watching.

Final thoughts

Kindness isn’t always a warm hug or a cheerful smile.

Sometimes, it’s a thoughtful gesture, a silent show of support, or just being there when it counts.

Those who seem distant or cold aren’t always what they appear; sometimes, they’re quietly kind in ways we often overlook.

As Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

Maybe it’s time we celebrate the understated kindness around us—the kind that doesn’t shout but whispers.