In my last long-term relationship, I was desperately unhappy.

But did I know that? Of course I didn’t! It was only when it ended that I realized the truth.

All relationships have their ups and downs. But that doesn’t mean it’s normal to be unhappy in your relationship – no matter how long it’s been!

When you aren’t happy anymore, you might recognize these 10 signs, backed by psychology.

1) You feel anxious all the time

When the love was gone from his side, I didn’t want to accept it. Even though deep down I knew how he felt. I knew how it was making me feel, too.

The end result? I felt on edge all the damn time.

Every day I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, constantly anxious about whether he still loved me or whether I still loved him.

This anxiety extended to all parts of my life. I lost confidence in myself and didn’t like doing anything without him.

Experts call this relationship anxiety – which could simply stem from your past traumas. But it could also stem from how you’re no longer in love or are unhappy…

2) You feel trapped

No person who’s in a happy relationship will ever feel trapped – no matter how many “ties” you have together.

With my current partner, I have a mortgage, a flat, a shared bank account, joint assets, and even a cat! But I don’t feel “tied down”.

When I was in an unhappy relationship, these same attachments felt like a curse. Whenever I thought about ending things, I thought about how much we’d have to “undo”.

It was suffocating.

I realize now that these things won’t feel so suffocating when you’re happy in the relationship. In fact, you don’t even think about them!

But in an unhappy relationship, the heaviness weighs on you.

The good news is, there IS always a way out. You just have to find it.

3) You feel like you deserve better

You come home from work and he doesn’t smile at you or get up to kiss you like he used to.

You sit in alone on the weekends while he goes out with friends. You scroll your phone before bed rather than chatting like you used to.

You hardly ever have dates together anymore.

You think to yourself, “Is there better out there? Do I deserve better than this?”.

The answer? Yes, you do deserve better and there is better out there!

A couple’s therapist will tell you that things could still be turned around. You could both commit to change so you feel more valued and appreciated.

But even so, right now you aren’t happy in the relationship. And if he’s not willing to change, or if you aren’t, then you might just be delaying the inevitable…

4) You prefer the “old” them

When you think about why you love him, what are your reasons?

Is it because he used to spoil you with surprise dates when you first got together? Is it because he used to compliment you and treat you well? Is it because you love his morals and the person he is?

Or are you always telling yourself that “He’s a good guy, really” because of how he used to be?

I got this way, too. I held onto the version of him from when we first started dating. He was the guy I fell in love with. For years I convinced myself that he was that same guy.

But he wasn’t. The truth was that I preferred the old him, rather than the person he was today. And the reality was that if we’d met in the present, I wouldn’t love him.

5) You’ve lost your spark

There’s a great line in a Taylor Swift song that says, “I miss you, but I miss sparkling” – and there’s a lot of truth in that!

When you’re in an unhappy relationship, you can start feeling like you aren’t yourself. Depending on what’s gone wrong, you can lose your confidence and self-esteem.

You can become a shadow of your past self, especially when the relationship turns co-dependent.

This isn’t normal. No matter how long you’ve been together, a relationship shouldn’t feel this way.

Good relationships bring out the best in us. They lift you up, boost your confidence, support your growth, and just feel good.

But an unhappy relationship? You lose your spark – and it takes time to realize that.

6) You’re always hoping that “things will get better soon”

A couple’s therapist once told me something I’ll never forget.

“Never stay in a relationship because of a ‘one day’”, she said.

What she meant was, don’t stay together because “one day” things will get better, “one day” they’ll treat me like they used to, or “one day” things will change.

You need to look at how the relationship is right now – not how it used to be or how it could be in the future.

If you always think that it isn’t good right now, but it will be when X, Y, and Z happens, this isn’t good. You might be unhappier in this relationship than you realize, and a better tomorrow is never going to come…

7) You’ve checked out mentally

Do you care when they hurt you or do the thing you’ve asked them not to do a million times before?

Of course you do! But you choose not to pick the fight. You choose not to talk to them about it to try to work things out.

You stop thinking of ways you can work better together or reignite the spark. When you’re together, all you want to do is text other people or doomscroll on your phone.

Basically, you’ve checked out. You’re in the relationship, but you’re not really IN the relationship.

Experts say that a dwindling emotional connection like this is a sign of relationship breakdown. It symbolizes a lack of trust, communication, or overall happiness together.

Of course, there’s always time to check back into the relationship. It takes two to tango in this sense. But it’s still possible if you both really want things to work!

8) You crave attention and affection

When my friend was in an unhappy relationship, she was always flirting with other guys.

“I’m just a big flirt!”, she used to say.

When they finally split, she realized why she acted this way. It was because she craved love and affection.

The same love and affection she should have been getting in her relationship, but wasn’t.

Experts are clear that flirting in a relationship can be healthy and normal.

But they’re also clear that it can be a cry for attention. You feel unwanted, undesired, and unloved in your relationship – so you flirt with others to make yourself feel better.

9) You pick fights all the time

Arguments are a normal part of a relationship. Experts say they can actually strengthen a relationship – so long as you both learn something.

What isn’t healthy though is if you constantly pick fights with your partner just because.

Why? There are several reasons.

You might be bored in the relationship. You might have lost love for them, not caring whether you hurt them by starting a fight or not.

You might be holding onto more resentment than you realize for all their past actions. Or you might be desperate for some attention from them, even if it’s the bad kind…

10) You daydream about other people

Just like flirting, experts are clear that thinking about other people sexually when you’re in a relationship can be very normal.

But of course, they’re also clear that this behavior could be a warning sign.

Especially if you think about other people during your intimate moments! Or if you can’t have a good time without fantasizing about someone else…

When this behavior extends to things outside of the bedroom, this is the clearest sign that something is wrong.

Like if you constantly daydream about having someone love you the way you want to be loved or care for you like your current partner used to…

Final thoughts

When you aren’t happy in your relationship, you probably already know it. You just don’t want to accept it or don’t feel ready for it to end (I know, I’ve been there).

I know burying your head in the sand and convincing yourself that things aren’t that bad seems like a good option, but it isn’t (again, I’ve been there!).

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have stayed unhappy for as long as I did.

I would have faced the facts and done one of two things: talked things through and committed to change, or let things come to an end.

Of course, the second option is going to be hard at first. But it really is better than staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy!