If you’ve been close with a man who’s a secret narcissist, you know things can be a bit tricky to navigate.

A relationship with a hidden narcissist often involves some perplexing behaviors that might leave you feeling baffled and exasperated.

You might notice him putting himself first, lacking empathy, or insisting he’s always right. One moment he could be charming, the next dismissive.

Narcissism isn’t a lifestyle choice, it’s a genuine psychological condition. And no two narcissists are alike, so every relationship can present unique challenges.

Understanding these challenges is key, and gaining insights from psychology could be a big help.

That’s what we’ll aim to do in this article. Here are 8 signs a man is secretly a narcissist, according to psychology.

1) He turns the tables to make himself the victim

Picture this: You express a concern about something he’s done. Rather than acknowledging your feelings, he flips the script and suddenly, he’s the one being wronged.

This is classic narcissistic behavior – making you feel guilty for expressing your needs or feelings. 

For instance, if you bring up something that upset you, he might say, “Just because I didn’t react the way you wanted me to doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

This isn’t about resolution or understanding – it’s about him avoiding accountability. It’s a manipulation tactic aimed at making you question your own perceptions and feelings. 

You might even find yourself apologizing or trying to soothe his feelings, even though you were the one who was initially hurt.

This response feeds his ego and gives him the ‘narcissistic supply’ he craves – attention, validation, control. 

It’s a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored as it can lead to an unhealthy cycle in your relationship.

2) He seems overly humble

You might think that a narcissist would be constantly boasting about his achievements. But surprisingly, some narcissists take a more subtle approach: they downplay their accomplishments.

This isn’t because they’re modest, though. It’s false humility – another form of manipulation designed to make you admire and praise them more. 

For instance, he might casually mention a significant accomplishment, then quickly dismiss it as ‘nothing special.’

This tactic often prompts others to insist on how impressive the achievement really is, thereby feeding the narcissist’s need for admiration. 

It’s a way for him to control the narrative and keep the attention focused on him, even while appearing humble.

Remember, true humility involves recognizing one’s own worth without seeking constant validation. If he seems to downplay his achievements to fish for compliments, it could be a sign of covert narcissism.

3) He lacks empathy

In all your interactions, you might notice something missing: empathy. When you share your feelings or experiences, he may dismiss them or not show any genuine concern.

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a fundamental aspect of human connection. 

However, covert narcissists often struggle with this. They’re so focused on their own needs and experiences that they can’t fully engage with the emotions of others.

If you find yourself feeling unheard or invalidated when you share your feelings with him, it could be a sign of his narcissism. 

Healthy relationships involve mutual understanding and validation. A lack of empathy can lead to one-sided conversations and a lack of emotional depth.

4) He’s a master of charm

When you first met him, you might’ve been swept off your feet by his charisma. 

He knows just what to say, and when to say it, to win you over. It’s like he’s the most charming man you’ve ever met.

But over time, you may start to notice that his charm seems calculated, almost as if he’s performing. 

The truth is, narcissists can be incredibly charming when it suits them. It’s how they draw people in and keep them hooked.

We’re all drawn to people who make us feel good about ourselves. But remember, a relationship is not just about the good times. It’s also about how we are treated during the difficult times. 

If his charm seems to disappear when things get tough, it might be a sign that it’s more about manipulation than genuine care for you.

5) He’s always the hero or the victim in his stories

Have you noticed a pattern in the way he tells stories about his past? It seems like he’s always either the hero who saved the day, or the victim who was wronged.

This isn’t just a storytelling quirk. It’s a way for him to always keep himself at the center of attention, and to control how others perceive him. 

He’s either the admirable hero who swoops in to save the day, or the misunderstood victim who’s been wronged, but never the one at fault.

We all have our ups and downs, and we all play different roles in our own life stories. 

But if he never admits to being wrong or making a mistake in his stories, it could be a sign of narcissism. 

Real life isn’t black and white, and neither are we. We all have our faults and mistakes – and that’s okay. It’s part of being human.

6) He constantly seeks validation

Let’s say you’re at a social gathering together. As the night unfolds, you notice he’s constantly seeking approval or validation from those around him. 

Maybe he’s showing off his knowledge about a trendy topic or subtly fishing for compliments on his new outfit.

It’s more than just enjoying a bit of attention – it’s a relentless need for validation. 

It seems like he constantly needs others to affirm his worth, whether it’s through praise, admiration, or even envy.

In a healthy relationship, validation comes naturally and not out of obligation. If you find yourself constantly needing to boost his ego and reassure him of his importance, it might be a sign of narcissism. 

It can be exhausting to constantly prop up someone else’s self-esteem, especially when it feels like your own needs and feelings are being overlooked.

7) He’s fixated on image and status

Following on from the need to be validated, a secret narcissist tries to achieve this through a carefully curated image. 

If it looks like a picture-perfect life from the outside, he’s all for it.

But here’s the thing: Life isn’t a glossy magazine spread. It’s messy, imperfect, and real. 

If he’s more interested in how your relationship looks to others than how it feels to you, that’s a problem.

Status symbols and appearances can’t replace genuine connection and emotional intimacy. 

If he values impressing others more than connecting with you on a deeper level, it might be time to reconsider whether this is the kind of relationship you want.

8) He dismisses your feelings

Perhaps the most telling sign of all: he dismisses your feelings. When you express your emotions or concerns, he brushes them off, minimizes them, or turns the conversation back to himself.

Your feelings are valid. They’re an important part of who you are and they deserve to be heard and respected in a relationship. 

If he’s unable or unwilling to acknowledge and validate your emotions, that’s a significant red flag.

Remember, in a healthy relationship, both partners’ feelings are recognized and valued. You deserve someone who sees and appreciates you for who you truly are – emotions and all.

Conclusion

It’s very tricky to deal with a man who’s secretly a narcissist. This is definitely a case that calls for a little more understanding and a lot of patience. 

Secret or covert narcissism might not be as blatant as its more overt counterpart, but it can be just as damaging to relationships. 

Recognizing these patterns is the first step in navigating such challenging relationships. It’s important to set clear boundaries and communicate effectively, keeping your own emotional health in priority. 

Handling a narcissist demands not just compassion, but also firmness, so that you don’t enable manipulative behaviors. 

Knowledge is power, and using this information can help you make better decisions about your relationships. It’s essential to put your emotional health first.