Let me tell you a secret:

There’s a very thin and blurred line between being influenced and being manipulated. 

And guess who knows this line very well?

Toxic people. And boy are they good at exploiting this gray area without second thought. 

How do they do it? 

That’s the secret they’re guarding fiercely – and the truth this article will reveal. 

So, just between you and me, and with the help of psychology experts’ input, let’s dive into the secrets toxic people don’t want you to know about themselves:

1) They have an on and off switch for their toxicity

Contrary to popular belief, toxic people aren’t toxic 24/7.

According to psychology experts, much of their toxic behavior is situational and not automatic.

What does this mean?

Think of them as chameleons. 

They adapt their behavior to their surroundings, depending on who they’re with and what they hope to gain.

Generally, their charming side is reserved for people they want to impress or manipulate. 

This duality is both their secret and their tool.

It allows them to maintain relationships and avoid detection as toxic individuals. 

This secret is a very powerful tool if you’re not careful. 

Here’s why:

The unpredictability in when the switch comes on or off makes it hard for you to recognize their toxic patterns and protect yourself from their manipulation.

Keep your guard up!

2) They’re really good at spotting your insecurities 

The same experts we referred to earlier say that part of the skills toxic people developed while practicing their chameleon-like moves is their sharp eye for detecting your insecurities.

Why do they keep this a secret from you? 

Because their intentions behind knowing what makes you tick aren’t exactly the best. 

Toxic people are known for using your insecurities to control and manipulate you. They won’t let you know that they know your vulnerabilities. 

Instead, they keep a mental list of your weak spots and bring them up at just the right (for them, wrong for you) moment to throw you off balance.

3) They learn what you don’t know and use that against you

Toxic people will never admit that they’re carefully and meticulously studying not only your insecurities, but also the things you don’t know. 

It would be nice to think that they keep track of things you may not be as informed or experienced at is so that they can help you fill in the gaps, but the sad reality is, for toxic people, the intent is always malicious:

They only do so to position themselves as superior either to undermine your confidence and/or to keep you dependent on them.

Andrea Mathews, a Licensed Professional Counselor, summarized it best when she said that toxic people only use our ignorance “to manipulate, fool and abuse us.”

4) They prey on your kind and fearful heart

Let’s keep the momentum of secrets toxic people keep from you that are actually about you.

Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, an expert on behavioral health, notes that toxic people also love feeding on your kindness and your fears.

If you’re someone who hates conflict or who’s afraid of upsetting others, I hate to break it to you, but you’re an ideal target for toxic people.

They use your compassionate heart as a tool to manipulate you into giving them your time, energy or resources, often to a point you’re more than comfortable with. 

It’s their cunning tactic to ensure they still get what they want without being too obvious about it.

5) They make you believe you’re imagining things

Another thing Dr. Jantz warns us of is that toxic people specialize in gaslighting. 

Of course they keep this skill a secret because they don’t want you to know that your recollection of events was exactly as it happened and that you’re not going crazy. 

They want you to believe the opposite, and gaslighting is the way they achieve this. 

They twist your words around, deny moments that happened, and even go as far as calling you crazy.

They do this to throw you off, get control of your perceptions, and make you more dependent on their version of reality. 

But here’s the secret to winning over this toxic secret weapon:

Stick to your truth no matter what.

6) They don’t know what accountability means

Dr. Jantz shares more secrets of toxic people they don’t want us to know about them:

They don’t know what accountability means.

But why do they keep this a secret from you?

Well, think about it – admitting they don’t take accountability would be like handing over the control they love so much.

By dodging responsibility, toxic people can keep making the same old mistakes without having to own up to them or deal with the consequences.

It’s their sneaky way of staying in control while keeping the spotlight off their flaws.a

7) They victimize themselves on purpose

Have you ever noticed how some people always seem to be the victim in every story?

Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, certified counselor and mediator, spills some toxic people secrets, and one of these is the use of the victim card.

She says toxic people expertly play the victim card and usually make you or others as the perpetrator.

They do this to flip any situation to their advantage. 

Think about it:

If you think they’re the ones hurting, you’re less likely to point fingers at them for anything shady they’re doing.

Clever yet nasty little secret, right?

8) Their toxicity thrives on watching you become upset

Brace yourself for this shocking revelation from Dr. Sarkis:

Watching you upset is like a win for them!

Dr. Sarkis implies that watching you visibly shaken or thrown off by their actions, is proof to a toxic person that their tricks are working. 

It’s like winning the lottery for them – your distress fuels their sense of control and power.

They guard this awful secret because if you knew that your reactions were actually empowering them, you might stop showing them.

Dr. Sarkis shares her secret weapon to counteract this disgusting level of toxicity:

She calls it the “gray rock” method, where you simply become uninterested and unresponsive like a rock, to cut off the toxic person’s fuel supply.

Pretty clever advice, right?

9) They pick their circle based on enableability

Here’s another secret Dr. Sarkis wants us to know:

Toxic people carefully choose friends and colleagues who will let their behavior slide or even support it. They do this to create something like an environment where their actions are never questioned. 

But wait, there’s more:

She also says they often recruit what she calls “flying monkeys”, or people who do the dirty work for them. 

She says these “monkeys” can be friends, family, or even coworkers who, knowingly or unknowingly, serve as messengers or spies, checking up on you or spreading rumors about you.

Their goal is to create a network that supports their narrative, to make you feel isolated and outnumbered.

10) They’re very good at bringing out the worst in you

Clinical psychology and neuropsychology graduate Arash Emamzadeh also has his share of toxic people secrets.

First, he says that toxic people have a knack for bringing out the worst in those around them, and that includes you.

Their traits – being bad-tempered, arrogant, domineering, and unethical – create an environment that triggers negative reactions. These traits could draw out behaviors in you that you might not even recognize.

This set of traits is exactly why they keep it a secret from you:

Because if you knew that their presence was the cause of your uncharacteristic reactions, you might pull away or challenge them, threatening their influence and ability to manipulate situations without being questioned.

11) They don’t believe in the common good

The second secret Arash shares is unfortunate, but apparently a reality, according to him:

Toxic people don’t have any sort of regard for the common good. 

Their primary concern is their own benefit, everything and everyone else is secondary. 

They don’t feel guilty about their negative impact on others. 

It’s all about what they can gain, not about what is fair or beneficial for everyone involved. 

By not disclosing their indifference to the common good, toxic people prevent others from seeing their true self-serving nature, which could lead to loss of support or confrontation.

They keep this selfish mindset a closely guarded secret – until now, that is.

Final secret

Here’s one last secret:

Your greatest defense against toxic people is your own awareness.

You don’t have to live in constant suspicion. You just need to know and understand the signs (a.k.a. their secrets), trust in your gut, and be assertive.

This combination creates a powerful and invisible shield to help neutralize the influence of the toxic bunch.

You don’t need to be aggressive or confrontational. You just need to stand your ground peacefully yet firmly.

And when all else fails, here’s the truly final secret:

Sometimes, the best way to deal with toxic behavior is to simply not engage. 

Because when you choose to invest your emotional energy elsewhere, you starve toxic individuals of the drama they feed on.