Last Thanksgiving, I watched two very different scenes unfold at neighboring houses on my street.

At one house, adult children lingered well into the evening, laughing on the porch, nobody checking their phones.

At the other, cars started pulling out of the driveway before the dishes were even done.

Both families had successful and well-adjusted adult children, and both sets of parents had worked hard, provided good homes, sent their kids to college.

So, why did one family genuinely enjoy being together while the other felt like they were fulfilling an obligation?

The answer was determined decades ago, in thousands of small moments that seemed insignificant at the time.

1) The currency of childhood isn’t money or opportunities

When my kids were young, I thought being a good provider meant working longer hours to afford better schools, nicer vacations, more activities.

I missed more school plays and soccer games than I care to remember, always telling myself I was doing it for them.

But here’s what I learned too late: Kids don’t remember the size of the house or the brand of their sneakers.

They remember whether you were there when they needed you, or if you put down your newspaper when they wanted to tell you about their day.

Moreover, they remember if you really listened or if you were just waiting for them to finish so you could get back to what you were doing.

Your adult children’s desire to spend time with you now is directly proportional to how much genuine attention you gave them then.

2) Every criticism created a future distance

Think about this: how eager are you to visit someone who constantly points out what you’re doing wrong?

Yet many of us spent our children’s formative years doing exactly that, thinking we were helping them improve.

“Your room is always a mess.”

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

“You’d do better if you just applied yourself.”

We called it parenting, and they experienced it as never being good enough.

Now, we wonder why phone calls feel forced and visits feel tense.

The parents whose adult children genuinely want to visit them? They mastered something crucial early on: catching their kids doing things right.

They celebrated effort and built their children up instead of constantly trying to fix them.

3) Control created countdown clocks

Some parents never stopped parenting, even when their kids became adults.

They had opinions about every career choice, every relationship, every parenting decision.

Likewise, they disguised control as concern and manipulation as love.

The result? Adult children who mentally start planning their exit before they even arrive, like who give vague answers to avoid lectures and who share less and less of their real lives because every piece of information becomes ammunition for unsolicited advice.

The boomers whose kids love visiting learned to transition from parent to trusted advisor.

They offer opinions when asked, respect boundaries, and understand that letting go doesn’t mean loving less, it means loving differently.

4) The relationship was never updated

Here’s something fascinating: Some parents are still trying to parent the 12-year-old version of their child who needed reminders to brush their teeth.

They never updated the relationship operating system.

When my daughter Sarah had her first child, I caught myself about to tell her how to hold the baby.

She was 32 years old.

She’d read more parenting books than I ever did.

But, in my mind, she was still the teenager who forgot to feed the goldfish.

The parents who have great relationships with their adult children consciously chose to get to know them as adults.

They became curious about their children’s perspectives instead of assuming they already knew everything about them, and allowed their children to become the experts in their own lives.

5) They modeled the wrong things

Children learn more from what we do than what we say.

If we spent 30 years demonstrating that work is more important than family, that achievement matters more than connection, that being right is more important than being kind, why are we surprised when our adult children adopt the same priorities?

The parents whose children count the hours until they can leave often modeled that family time was an obligation, not a joy.

They complained about visiting their own parents, and prioritized everything else over family gatherings.

Those parents taught, through actions, that family was something to endure rather than enjoy.

6) There was no individual connection

Having three kids taught me something crucial: each child needed a completely different approach, like what worked for Sarah would backfire with Michael or what motivated Michael would shut down Emma.

Yet many parents use a one-size-fits-all approach, treating all their children the same in the name of fairness.

The result? At least one child, often more, who never felt truly seen or understood.

Who learned to perform the role of “son” or “daughter” rather than actually connect.

Now, with my five grandchildren, I take each one on individual special days because I learned the hard way that relationships are built one-on-one, not in groups.

The parents whose adult children love visiting them figured this out early.

They found ways to connect with each child as an individual.

7) They never admitted mistakes

The most powerful thing a parent can do might also be the hardest: Apologize and genuinely acknowledge the ways we fell short to validate our children’s experiences and open the door to healing.

The boomers whose adult children keep their distance often can’t admit they made mistakes.

They defend every decision, justify every harsh word, and minimize every hurt.

Additionally, they’re so invested in having been right that they’d rather lose the relationship than lose the argument.

But here’s what I’ve noticed: The parents surrounded by loving adult children have had hard conversations.

They’ve said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there more” or “I realize now how that must have felt” or “I did the best I could with what I knew then, but I know it wasn’t enough.”

Final thoughts

If your adult children love spending time with you, it’s the compound interest on thousands of small investments you made when they were young.

You chose presence over presents, connection over control, and curiosity over criticism.

If your adult children seem distant? It’s not too late to change the dynamic, but it requires admitting that the distance was built over decades, one missed moment, one harsh word, and one boundary violation at a time.

The good news is that relationships can heal.

However, it starts with understanding that the problem is about finally becoming the parent they needed you to be 30 years ago, even if they’re 40 years old now.

In the end, our adult children visit when being around us feels better than being away from us.

That feeling was either carefully cultivated or carelessly destroyed, starting about 30 years ago.