It’s up there with the most challenging aspects of human interaction:

You’re at a social gathering, surrounded by people, yet something feels off. You’re not making the connections you hoped for, conversations seem strained, and you can’t quite figure out why.

You’ve made an effort to engage, to be charming and personable, but it’s not hitting the mark.

Often times, it’s not even that noticeable.

You just have this nagging sense that your social skills are letting you down, even when every fiber of your being denies it.

Here’s how to identify the 8 common social faux pas that suggest your emotional intelligence may not be as high as you think. This is crucial, especially if you hope to navigate any social gathering without feeling like a ship lost at sea.

1) Misreading social cues

One of the most common social blunders is the inability to accurately interpret social cues.

This is the foundation of emotional intelligence – understanding both your own emotions and those of the people around you.

It might not be as obvious as getting the punchline of a joke wrong or missing the subtleties of a sarcastic comment.

It could be something as simple as not recognizing when someone is tired of talking, or not sensing when it’s your turn to speak or listen in a conversation.

If you find yourself constantly interrupting others, or if you’re always the last one to catch on to a group’s overall mood, it’s worth considering that you might be misreading social cues.

And here’s the thing: social cues are like the secret language of human interaction. They’re the nonverbal signals that guide our conversations and relationships.

Without a firm grasp on this language, it’s easy to feel lost at any gathering, no matter how well you think you’re performing on the surface.

2) Struggling with empathy

Empathy is what allows us to connect with others on a deeper level, to feel what they’re feeling and to respond in a way that shows we truly understand.

But for those with lower emotional intelligence, empathy can be a tough nut to crack.

Let’s say, for example, a friend at a gathering shares a story about their recent job loss. Instead of expressing sympathy, you might jump right into offering solutions or even worse, compare it with your own experiences of job loss.

I remember doing this at a potluck dinner not too long ago. A friend was talking about her struggle with anxiety, and instead of simply listening and offering support, I found myself sharing my own experiences, turning the conversation back to me.

I realized later that what I was doing was not really empathizing but rather matching her experiences with my own. This wasn’t about me; it was about her. And that’s something I needed to keep in mind for future interactions.

Empathy isn’t about making comparisons or providing immediate solutions; it’s about understanding, validating, and supporting others in their experiences.

3) Failing to listen actively

You’ve probably heard the famous quote by Stephen R. Covey, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

This is a key social mistake made by those with below-average emotional intelligence.

Active listening is more than just waiting for your turn to speak. It’s about being fully present and engaged in the conversation, showing interest in what the other person is saying, and responding thoughtfully.

I’ve witnessed this at gatherings where conversations become a game of verbal tennis, with everyone eager to serve their next point without fully digesting what has been said.

Remember, communication is a two-way street. It’s not just about speaking; it’s also about listening. And active listening can be one of the most powerful tools in your social arsenal if you learn how to use it effectively.

4) Neglecting non-verbal communication

In any social gathering, what you say is just half the story. The other half is how you say it – your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

Psychologists estimate that 55% of all communication is non-verbal. Yet, many of us pay little attention to this aspect of interaction, focusing instead on our words.

Those with below-average emotional intelligence often overlook the importance of non-verbal cues. They may maintain poor eye contact, exhibit closed body language, or fail to mirror the expressions of those they’re interacting with.

For instance, if you’re in a conversation and your arms are crossed, you’re not making eye contact, or your tone of voice is flat, you could be sending signals that you’re disinterested or defensive, even if that’s not your intention.

Understanding and being aware of your non-verbal communication can greatly enhance your social interactions and prevent misunderstandings. It’s not just about what you say; it’s also about how you say it.

5) Dominating the conversation

A social interaction is a dance, a give and take between two or more people. But sometimes, instead of dancing, people end up monopolizing the conversation.

This is a common mistake among those with below-average emotional intelligence. They may talk excessively about themselves, their experiences, or their interests without giving others a chance to speak or contribute.

You might have experienced this at a gathering where one person holds the floor for an extended period, turning a group conversation into a monologue.

It’s not that sharing about oneself is bad. In fact, it’s a great way to connect with others. The problem arises when it becomes one-sided.

Social interaction should be like a game of catch – you throw the ball (share something about yourself), and then you wait for it to be thrown back (listen to what others have to say).

Dominating the conversation not only disrupts this balance but also creates an environment where others may feel unheard or unimportant. 

6) Not showing appreciation or gratitude

Appreciation and gratitude are like social glue – they strengthen connections and build positive relationships.

However, those with lower levels of emotional intelligence might overlook the importance of expressing these sentiments during social interactions.

Think about a time when you put a lot of effort into organizing a gathering, only to have someone leave without so much as a thank you.

Or consider a situation where you shared a personal story or accomplishment and it was met with indifference or a quick change of topic.

Such actions can leave people feeling undervalued and unappreciated.

Expressing appreciation or gratitude doesn’t mean you have to shower people with constant praise or thank you notes. Sometimes, it’s as simple as acknowledging someone’s efforts, saying thank you for their time, or showing interest in their stories.

7) Overreacting to negative feedback

Nobody likes to hear negative feedback. It stings, it’s uncomfortable, and it can be downright hard to swallow.

But here’s the thing: how we respond to negative feedback is a significant indicator of our emotional intelligence.

Those with below-average emotional intelligence might take criticism personally, react defensively, or even lash out at the person providing the feedback.

A friend might tell you that your comment came off as insensitive. Instead of considering their perspective and apologizing, you might find yourself justifying your actions or blaming them for misunderstanding you.

This kind of reaction not only escalates the situation but also prevents you from learning and growing from the feedback.

It’s important to remember that negative feedback is not a personal attack. It’s an opportunity for growth and improvement.

8) Dismissing the emotions of others

At the heart of emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and respect the emotions of others.

Yet, those with below-average emotional intelligence often dismiss or invalidate other people’s feelings, whether consciously or unconsciously.

For instance, you might tell a friend who is upset about losing their job to “just get over it” or “look on the bright side.” While these comments may be well-intentioned, they can come across as dismissive and insensitive.

It’s like saying their feelings are wrong or unimportant. And that can be incredibly hurtful.

Acknowledging other people’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them, is key to creating meaningful connections.

Simply being there for someone, listening to them, and validating their emotions can make a world of difference in any social interaction.

Embracing change

The beauty of emotional intelligence is that it can be cultivated. With self-awareness and a bit of practice, social faux pas can be turned into social skills. It’s all about balance and understanding.

Start by acknowledging instances where you might be making these mistakes. Notice when you’re not fully present or when you’re dominating the conversation.

As you become more aware, you can start to correct these behaviors in real-time. Ask yourself – Am I truly listening? Am I being empathetic and showing appreciation? Is my body language open and inviting?

Change doesn’t happen overnight. But with persistent mindfulness, you can start to shift your social behaviors.

Each act of active listening, each moment of empathy expressed, each time you show appreciation – these are all steps towards enhancing your emotional intelligence.

Take a moment to reflect on these points. Consider how they might apply to your social interactions. And remember – it’s never too late to learn, grow, and become a better version of yourself.