When your kids were little, a simple hug or a heartfelt “I love you, Mom/Dad” was enough but, as they grow into adults, things get complicated.

Love isn’t always expressed loudly and sometimes, it’s not expressed at all.

See, there’s a fine line between love and tolerance when it comes to family.

The signs are often quiet, hidden beneath layers of grown-up etiquette and politeness.

As a professional editor, I’ve edited countless manuscripts delving into the complexities of adult relationships, including those between parents and their grown children.

It’s taught me a thing or two about the silent signals people give off when they’re just tolerating someone, rather than genuinely loving them.

In this article, I’ll be sharing eight of those quiet signs—cues that might indicate your adult children might be tolerating you, rather than truly loving you.

1) They’re polite, but distant

Your adult children are always polite, always courteous.

There’s a certain veneer of respectability that they maintain around you, a kind of formality you can’t quite put your finger on.

But here’s the kicker: It’s all surface-level.

There’s no warmth behind their words, no affection behind their actions.

It’s as though they’re going through the motions, doing what’s expected of them, but their heart isn’t in it.

As an editor, I’ve read countless stories about families maintaining a facade of togetherness while struggling with deep-seated issues.

This disconnect—between what’s said and what’s felt—is a common thread among them.

If your adult children are polite but distant, it might be a sign that they’re tolerating you rather than loving you.

2) Their interactions are transactional

This one hits close to home for me.

I remember when my oldest was around 24: I started noticing our conversations were less about “How was your day, Mom?” and more about “Can you babysit on Saturday?” or “I need help with my taxes.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love helping my children, and it’s natural for adults to seek assistance from their parents.

However, it’s the lack of personal connection, the absence of genuine interest in my life that stung.

It felt as though our interactions had become purely transactional, only initiated when there was a need to be fulfilled.

The conversations were always polite, but they lacked the warmth and depth they once had.

When your adult child’s interactions with you feel like business transactions rather than genuine connections, it might be a sign that they’re merely tolerating you.

3) They rarely initiate contact

In today’s digital age, maintaining contact is easier than ever.

A simple text message or a quick video call—staying connected has never been more convenient.

Yet, if you find yourself always being the one to reach out, always the initiator of these digital connections, it might be a sign of something deeper.

People who value their relationships will make an effort to maintain them, even if it’s just sending a quick “thinking of you” text.

If your adult children rarely make the first move to contact you, it could be another quiet sign that they’re tolerating you rather than truly cherishing your relationship.

4) They come to you only when things are tough

It’s natural for children, regardless of their age, to seek comfort from their parents during tough times.

But pay attention to the pattern: Are you only hearing from them when they’re in trouble or when they need a shoulder to cry on?

The truth is, a loving relationship is not just about sharing sorrows, but also joys.

If your adult children only come to you when they’re going through a rough patch, but don’t share their happy moments, it could be a sign that they’re merely tolerating you.

While it’s good to be there for them in their time of need, a relationship that only thrives on problems isn’t a healthy one.

Don’t ignore this sign, but also remember to look at the bigger picture before drawing conclusions.

5) They avoid personal topics

When I talk to my kids, I want to know about their hopes, their dreams, their fears.

I want to know the person they’re becoming, beyond just their career or their family life.

Yet, sometimes, they might shy away from sharing these personal details.

If your adult children tend to steer the conversation away from personal topics, it could be a sign that they’re keeping you at arm’s length.

It might seem like they’re protecting their privacy, but it could also mean they’re not comfortable opening up to you.

I’ve found that a lack of deep, meaningful conversations often indicates a lack of deep, meaningful connection.

6) They speak fondly of the past

Here’s a twist: If your adult children often reminisce about the past, it might seem like a good sign.

After all, they’re recalling happy memories with you, right?

However, pay closer attention: Are they always talking about the past and rarely about the present or future?

It could be that they’re stuck in the “good old days” because they don’t feel as connected to you now.

A healthy relationship should encompass past, present, and future.

If their focus seems stuck in the past, it might suggest that they’re tolerating the current relationship rather than truly enjoying it.

7) They’re hesitant to make future plans

Planning for the future is a wonderful thing.

It’s about creating shared experiences, building memories, and strengthening bonds, but what if your adult children are hesitant to make these plans?

If they’re often non-committal about future family gatherings, holidays, or even a simple dinner out, it might be a sign they’re tolerating you.

They might be avoiding the discomfort or strain they feel when spending time with you.

8) Their love feels conditional

The most significant sign is perhaps the hardest to accept.

Love shouldn’t be conditional—it shouldn’t hinge on you doing something or being a certain way.

If you feel like your adult children’s love or respect for you fluctuates based on your actions, it’s a serious sign they might be tolerating you rather than truly loving you.

Love is about acceptance, not compliance.

If their affection feels conditional, it’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation to address the elephant in the room.

Embracing the journey of understanding

The journey of understanding our adult children and their feelings towards us is a challenging one, layered with complexities and nuances.

It’s easy to misinterpret signs or read too much into certain behaviors.

However, these signs are not definitive proof that your adult children are merely tolerating you.

They are indicators, possible hints that could lead to deeper conversations and, hopefully, greater understanding.

Above all, it’s vital to remember that love is an ever-evolving phenomenon.

It changes, grows, ebbs, and flows—so does the relationship between parents and their adult children.

The key is communication, openness, and empathy.

It’s about navigating this journey with grace, patience, and an open heart.

Let’s embrace this journey of understanding, no matter how difficult it might seem because, at the end of the day, family is not just about being related by blood.

It’s about unconditional love, acceptance, and a shared history that binds us together.