Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep running into the same heartbreak, just with a different face?”

It’s a question I’ve wrestled with many times—especially after my divorce.

Looking back, I can’t help but see the patterns that were leading me straight into relationships that did more harm than good.

The truth is, we’re not always ready to own up to our deeper fears or motivations.

And that’s exactly what this article is about: uncovering the hidden factors that keep us stuck, so we can finally make different choices.

Let’s dive into the reasons you might be drawn to the people who just aren’t right for you.

1. You’re chasing familiarity

A lot of us interpret “comfortable” as “safe,” even when it’s actually not.

Maybe you grew up in a home where love felt inconsistent or you watched your parents handle conflict in a way that normalized chaos.

You end up chasing what feels familiar, because it’s predictable—even if it’s harmful.

This pattern can show up when you ignore obvious warning signs just because that emotional roller coaster feels like home.

You might not even realize it’s happening.

Ask yourself: Do I keep dating people who treat me poorly because part of me equates that with normalcy?

Once you spot the pattern, you have a better chance of breaking it.

Pay attention to what your body feels when it’s around someone kind and respectful.

That might feel like a whole new experience, but it’s usually a sign you’re headed in a healthier direction.

2. You believe love must be “earned”

Another trap we often fall into is that of thinking our worthiness depends on how hard we work for someone’s affection.

This mindset can lead to chasing emotionally unavailable people.

Why? Because the chase itself seems like proof of effort.

I’ve been there. In the past, the more someone pulled away, the more I wanted their approval, as if that approval could prove I was “good enough.”

But healthy love doesn’t demand that you jump through endless hoops just to feel noticed.

If you catch yourself rationalizing someone’s mistreatment with thoughts like, “I just need to show them how much I care,” take a step back. 

Real partnership doesn’t require that sort of performance. It calls for mutual effort, where both sides feel valued without having to prove their worth at every turn.

3. You think red flags are just “quirks”

Sometimes we mistake toxic traits for endearing flaws. I remember thinking an old boyfriend’s jealousy was flattering, because it meant he cared so much about me. Like he was just so into me that he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me. 

But looking back, I can see it now for what it was — control disguised as devotion. He wasn’t worried about losing me because he loved me; he was worried because he wanted to own me. There’s a difference, and I didn’t see it until much later.

We might label someone’s volatility as “passion” or their lack of emotional availability as a “personal style.”

But sooner or later, those patterns create emotional wounds that are hard to heal. 

When you let red flags slide, you’re basically telling yourself that less than you deserve is acceptable.

If you notice a nagging gut feeling, pause and assess it. Those intuitions are there for a reason, and acknowledging them can steer you away from a world of hurt.

4. You equate intensity with intimacy

Do you ever crave that spark—the electric thrill that feels like genuine love but burns out almost as fast as it starts?

It’s easy to confuse intensity with intimacy, believing that the rush is what true connection should feel like.

However, love built on skyrocketing emotion alone can lack the necessary foundation for a stable bond.

This is actually one of the lessons I learned from world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê’s “Love and Intimacy” masterclass. I’ve mentioned his work before, and I just want to share how it really opened my eyes to how emotional fireworks can overshadow deeper compatibility.

The exercises encouraged me to slow down, breathe, and recognize the difference between excitement and genuine closeness. By learning to gauge connection based on mutual respect and shared growth, I stopped chasing that roller-coaster high.

Yes, passion has its place, but it shouldn’t overshadow the long-term stability and authenticity we need in healthy relationships.

When you let go of the idea that intensity equals love, your entire perspective will shift. You start to realize that real intimacy doesn’t scream—it quietly shows up, stays consistent, and makes you feel safe enough to be fully seen.

5. You fear the silence

Spending time alone can feel daunting, especially if you’re juggling work, family, and social obligations.

When there’s too much quiet, self-doubt creeps in, and it’s tempting to fill that void with someone—anyone—just so you’re not sitting with your own thoughts.

Psychologists say that this is one of the most common reasons why we get stuck in relationships that aren’t right for us. We’re afraid to be alone, so we’ll tolerate whatever company we can find. 

If you recognize that urge, here’s a quick bullet list of questions worth asking yourself:

• Am I truly interested in this person, or just craving any sort of companionship? 
• Do I feel anxiety when I consider being single for a while? 
• Am I fully aware of what I really need in a partner, or am I just rushing to fill the gap? 

By facing the fear of solitude, you build the resilience to wait for someone who adds real value to your life rather than just occupying space.

6. You hide your own needs

Many of us hold back our deeper desires because we’re worried about scaring someone away. We fake being low-maintenance, then wonder why no one meets our needs.

When you repeatedly fall for people who aren’t right for you, it might be because you never let them see what you actually want.

For me, it took time to realize I wasn’t being honest about my emotional and mental boundaries.

I’d nod politely, letting my significant other set the pace, even when it clashed with my own values or parenting style.

Being upfront about your standards and aspirations is a quick way to filter out those who can’t or won’t meet you halfway.

Yes, there’s a risk of losing potential partners who don’t share your vision. But better to lose the wrong match than cling to a flawed dynamic that drains you.

7. You crave external validation

Part of why people latch onto unhealthy relationships is the validation they think they’ll gain.

A text that says “I miss you,” even if you received nothing but half-hearted efforts all week, can still light up your phone—and your self-worth.

It’s a tricky game. The temporary boost can overshadow the long-term unhappiness.

An interesting study found that people with low self-esteem tend to stay in unhappy relationships. 

Why? Because they tend to resist addressing concerns and speaking up, for fear of negative outcomes.

This is why it’s so important to understand that true confidence comes from within, not from your partner’s approval or validation.  

When you cultivate self-approval, you don’t cling to people who string you along. Instead, you hold out for reciprocity, and that is a game-changer.

8. You haven’t redefined what love looks like

Most of us grow up with certain ideas about love, shaped by family, friends, or media.

If those ideas aren’t challenged, they can become a script, one that leads us into all the wrong relationships.

In my case, I thought love meant sacrificing comfort and peace for the sake of another person. But that script was based on someone else’s narrative, not my own.

When I finally recognized that love doesn’t have to involve endless sacrifice, my selection process changed dramatically.

And here’s the kicker: love doesn’t have one rigid form.

You can create it on your own terms, defining the boundaries and values that matter to you.

It’s about building a foundation that honors both your growth and that of your partner.

If the relationship doesn’t support mutual growth, it’s probably not healthy love.

Putting it all together

Falling for people who aren’t good for you isn’t a random accident. It often springs from your hidden beliefs, emotional habits, and deep-seated fears.

When you peel back the layers, you gain the power to disrupt those patterns and choose differently.

Real, fulfilling connections shouldn’t add to the chaos— they should support you, challenge you in healthy ways, and help you become the person you want to be.

And that’s what I wish for you.

So, pay attention to the reasons behind your choices, take ownership of your inner world, and trust that you can build the kind of love you truly deserve.