People who never felt loved as a child usually display these 9 behaviors later in life

The experience of love in our childhood — it’s a topic that can be heavy to discuss, but it significantly shapes who we become as adults.
It’s not just about having a warm, fuzzy feeling. It’s about the sense of security, acceptance, and nurture that every child needs to thrive.
Unfortunately, not everyone receives this kind of love growing up. And for those who don’t, the effects can linger long into adulthood.
But how does this lack of love in childhood manifest itself in our adult behavior?
There are certain patterns that emerge, signals that tell a hidden story of a love-deprived childhood.
In this article, we’re going to delve into this sensitive topic, and reveal the 9 common behaviors seen in adults who never truly felt loved as a child.
1) Difficulty in forming intimate relationships
When love is absent in our formative years, it can be like trying to build a house without a foundation.
For those who didn’t feel loved as children, the concept of intimate relationships can be a challenging terrain to navigate.
This isn’t just a romantic scenario. It extends to friendships, family ties, and even professional relationships.
The heart of the issue? Trust.
Research shows that when love was inconsistent or absent during childhood, trust can feel like an alien concept. After all, how can one trust others to be there for them when their initial caregivers weren’t?
This lack of trust often leads to difficulty in forming and maintaining close relationships. It’s not that they don’t want intimacy; they just don’t know how it looks or feels like.
2) Hyperindependence
Ever heard of the term ‘hyperindependence’?
It’s a psychological concept that refers to an intense desire to fend for oneself, often at the expense of forming meaningful connections with others.
According to psychology, this usually develops as a go-to survival mechanism for those who didn’t experience love during their early years.
Here’s why: when you’ve been let down by those supposed to care for you, the world can seem like a harsh place. And what better way to protect oneself than by relying solely on yourself?
This hyperindependence often manifests as a reluctance to ask for help, even when it’s needed. It’s like they’re constantly trying to prove that they can do everything on their own.
But remember, hyperindependence is often a shield, a way to avoid vulnerability and potential rejection. It’s a classic sign of someone who never felt loved as a child.
3) Overreliance on others
On the flip side, some individuals who didn’t feel loved as children might show an opposite yet equally concerning pattern — an overreliance on others.
While it might seem counterintuitive compared to the hyperindependence we just discussed, it’s actually another side of the same coin.
In fact, research shows that feeling unloved as a child is linked to codependency in adulthood.
These individuals crave the love they missed out on in their formative years. This craving can often translate into a desperate need for validation and approval from others.
Because they didn’t receive consistent love and care as children, these individuals may constantly seek reassurance in their relationships. They may become overly attached, often to the point of being clingy or needy.
This overreliance isn’t about lacking self-sufficiency; it’s about trying to fill the love-shaped hole that was left from their childhood.
4) Difficulty expressing emotions
Ever found it hard to put your feelings into words?
This can be particularly challenging for those who didn’t feel loved as children. They might have difficulty expressing their emotions or even understanding what they are feeling.
Without a secure, loving environment, these individuals may not have had the chance to learn how to recognize and communicate their emotions effectively. This can translate into adulthood as a struggle with emotional literacy.
They might suppress their feelings, or express them in inappropriate or harmful ways. Sometimes, they might even experience emotional numbness, where they feel disconnected from their emotions entirely.
5) Fear of abandonment
People who didn’t feel loved as children often carry with them a pervasive fear of abandonment.
This fear isn’t just an occasional worry; it’s a constant undercurrent in their lives. It can manifest itself in various ways:
- Constant need for reassurance in relationships
- Anxiety when a loved one is not immediately available
- Predicting the end of relationships even when things are going well
These behaviors aren’t about being dramatic or attention-seeking. They’re an unconscious response to early experiences of feeling unloved and fear that history could repeat itself.
6) A tendency to self-sabotage
Ever wondered why we sometimes act against our own best interests? I know I have.
For people who never felt loved in their childhood, this inclination towards self-sabotage can be a common theme.
Let’s say they’re in a relationship that’s going well, or they’ve landed a job they’ve always wanted. But instead of enjoying these positive situations, they might find ways to undermine them.
They might push away a loving partner or underperform at work, seemingly without reason. But if we dig a little deeper, we might find the reason rooted in their early life experiences.
When love and security were missing in their formative years, chaos and instability became the norm. As adults, they unconsciously recreate these conditions because it’s what they’re accustomed to.
It’s not that they want to fail or be unhappy; it’s just that success and happiness feel unfamiliar and unsettling. This is the heart-wrenching reality of self-sabotage for those who never felt loved as children.
7) Low self-esteem
Imagine walking into a room full of people and feeling like you don’t belong there. Or looking at your accomplishments and still feeling like an impostor. Sounds tough, doesn’t it?
This is often the reality for those who never felt loved during their childhood. They tend to struggle with low self-esteem, harboring a deep-seated belief that they are not worthy or good enough.
Why? Because love in our early years forms the bedrock of our self-worth. When that love is absent, it can leave a void that often gets filled with self-doubt and negative self-perceptions.
Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval, or downplaying your achievements? Do you struggle to accept compliments?
These could be signs of low self-esteem rooted in a lack of love during those crucial early years.
8) Escapism and avoidance
Growing up, I had a friend who was always the life of the party. Always ready with a joke, always looking for the next adventure.
But behind that vibrant exterior, I later learned, was a child who never felt loved.
People who didn’t feel loved as kids often use escapism and avoidance as coping mechanisms. They might constantly seek distractions or avoid situations that could trigger painful memories.
For my friend, his constant quest for fun was his way of avoiding the pain of his love-deprived childhood. By keeping busy, he didn’t have to face the loneliness and sadness that lurked beneath the surface.
This is not about being irresponsible or flighty. It’s a protective strategy, a way to keep the pain at bay.
9) The capacity for resilience
Here we are, at the final point. And perhaps this is the most important thing to remember: People who never felt loved as kids often develop an incredible capacity for resilience.
While they may carry the scars of a love-deprived childhood, they also possess a remarkable ability to endure and overcome hardships.
They’ve had to learn to fend for themselves from an early age, and that strength doesn’t just disappear. It remains within them, a testament to their survival and their potential for growth.
Remember, resilience isn’t about denying pain or hardship. It’s about acknowledging these experiences and using them as a catalyst for change and personal growth. This is the reality for many who never felt loved as a child.
What can we do moving forward?
Recognizing these behaviors in ourselves or those around us isn’t about labeling or blaming. It’s about understanding, empathy, and moving forward. Here are a few things we can do:
- Therapy: This can provide a safe space to explore these experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
- Self-care: Prioritizing our physical, emotional, and mental well-being is crucial.
- Building healthy relationships: Developing relationships with people who understand and support us can be healing.
Remember, it’s never too late to heal from the wounds of a love-deprived childhood. As we learn to understand and navigate these behaviors, we open doors to growth, healing, and ultimately, self-love.
Let’s be patient with ourselves and others on this journey. After all, we’re all works in progress.