I remember watching classmates hug their parents at the school gates, and it always felt like a foreign custom—like a language I couldn’t speak.

If you grew up in an environment where physical affection wasn’t common, you might recognize the same uneasiness.

Lack of hugs can shape our perceptions of closeness, trust, and even how we seek comfort.

In this piece, we’ll explore seven common behaviors that might show up in adulthood if hugging and cuddling weren’t part of your childhood routine.

I’ll also share a few thoughts on what you can do about it.

I believe that self-awareness and taking responsibility for our emotional well-being can soften some of these rough edges, ultimately leading to more fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others.

Let’s begin.

1. You feel uneasy with physical touch

Many adults who missed out on frequent physical affection as kids develop an internal alarm whenever someone leans in for a hug.

That sense of uneasiness can creep up even if the other person is a close friend or a loving partner.

It’s as if the brain puts up its guard, unsure of how to process the sudden closeness.

Sometimes this discomfort isn’t just about hugs—it can extend to simple gestures like a playful tap on the shoulder.

Friends might interpret the hesitation as aloofness or even rejection, but it often has more to do with unfamiliarity.

When hugs were never the norm, the body and mind register them as something unusual or unpredictable.

If this rings true, it can help to gradually introduce safe, brief forms of contact—like a quick, light touch on the hand—and pay attention to how your body responds.

Over time, the alarm can quiet down.

The main goal is to form new, positive associations with touch rather than forcing yourself into long embraces that leave you tense.

2. You keep your emotions guarded

Hugs, for many families, are a way of saying “I see you, and I care.”

Without that early signal of warmth, it’s easy to learn that your feelings are best kept private.

As a child, if you never received a gentle squeeze after a rough day, you might have internalized the belief that opening up is pointless or risky.

This guarded approach can impact how you share emotions with friends, partners, or even coworkers.

You might reveal bits of information only when absolutely necessary, fearing that letting someone in puts you in a vulnerable spot.

According to research from the Gottman Institute, consistent displays of affection during childhood can bolster emotional openness later in life, which suggests that a shortage of those interactions can do the opposite.

If you’re recognizing this pattern in yourself, take small steps toward expression.

Journaling or sending a heartfelt message to someone you trust can be more comfortable than face-to-face sharing at first.

Bit by bit, you can learn that revealing your emotions doesn’t automatically lead to discomfort or judgment.

3. You rely on self-soothing methods

Without consistent hugs or cuddles, children often find their own ways to cope with stress—ways that don’t involve another person’s touch.

These habits can carry into adulthood.

I’ve personally seen how reaching for a warm drink or curling up with a blanket can act as an emotional buffer on days I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Here’s what self-soothing might look like in an adult’s life:

• Seeking a quiet space away from people when anxious 
• Using physical objects (like a stress ball or a specific pillow) to calm down 
• Repeating mantras or phrases in your head for reassurance 
• Turning to creative outlets like drawing, knitting, or playing an instrument 

When you’re used to comforting yourself, it can be tough to accept help or physical affection from others.

The upside is that self-reliance can serve you well in high-pressure situations.

However, it’s also worth asking if you’re missing out on genuine support by always handling stress alone.

Learning to balance self-soothing with occasional reliance on others might open up more possibilities for connection.

4. You might misunderstand friendly affection

Sometimes a friend pats your back or briefly hugs you to say hello, and your mind races: “Is this person being too forward? Is it a hidden romantic gesture?”

Growing up with limited physical affection can make it tricky to interpret friendly contact.

That confusion arises because you haven’t had enough examples of what a platonic hug or an encouraging handshake feels like.

You might overanalyze simple gestures, or your instinct might be to pull away.

According to research, consistent hugging and physical affection in childhood shape our sense of safety in social touch, so a deficit can make normal gestures seem loaded with deeper meaning.

If you find yourself reading into every pat on the shoulder, remind yourself that people express kindness differently.

A quick side-hug at a work event often just means “Hey, great seeing you!”

It can take time to shift your perspective, but practicing mindfulness—staying present and noticing your immediate reactions—might help you differentiate between harmless warmth and genuine boundary-crossing.

5. You crave non-contact ways of showing love

I discovered my passion for yoga and meditation partly because I craved an alternative route to calm and connection.

Physical touch never came easily to me, but I found that focusing on my breath or practicing gentle stretches provided a sense of inner warmth.

If frequent hugs weren’t part of your childhood, there’s a good chance you seek out other expressions of love and care.

For instance, you might feel deeply moved by words of affirmation, small acts of service, or even shared experiences like taking a walk together.

The hug may not be your first go-to, but you have a knack for recognizing that closeness isn’t limited to physical contact.

This preference can be enriching—it allows you to explore creative ways of bonding.

Art, music, or cooking together can become powerful acts of love.

It also means you’re more likely to appreciate the emotional nuances of time spent with others, instead of relying on a single sign of affection.

6. You find it difficult to ask for comfort

When you rarely got those reassuring hugs as a child, you might view comfort as a scarce resource.

That scarcity mindset can manifest as “I have to get through this on my own.”

Over time, you may end up silently dealing with stress, assuming that seeking solace is an inconvenience to others.

You might even push away well-meaning friends or family members who want to show support. Yet, deep down, you could be longing for a gentle word or a calming presence.

Recognizing this conflict is half the battle.

Once you see that you’re hesitating to ask for a hug or emotional backup, consider experimenting with small requests: a text to a loved one, a brief venting session over coffee, or yes, even a short hug if you’re comfortable.

Your needs matter.

Sometimes, it just takes one open conversation to realize that the comfort you avoided asking for all these years is more available than you think.

7. You wrestle with lingering self-doubt

On the surface, a hug might seem like a small thing.

But it represents acceptance and belonging—elements that are deeply tied to self-worth.

When you don’t receive steady doses of that affirming contact as a child, self-doubt can quietly grow in the background.

If you still wrestle with thoughts like “Do I really deserve affection?” or “Am I good enough to be someone’s friend or partner?” it might trace back to that early sense of not feeling supported.

According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, warmth in childhood can be linked to healthier self-esteem later on, suggesting that a shortfall in affection may factor into adult insecurities.

It’s no cause for alarm, but it can explain why some people struggle with self-assurance despite obvious accomplishments.

Healing that sense of doubt takes consistent self-compassion.

Engaging in supportive self-talk, surrounding yourself with empathetic people, and considering therapy or counseling can help rewire the beliefs that formed when hugs were scarce.

Final thoughts

Childhood experiences often cast a long shadow.

Missing out on those routine hugs doesn’t have to define you forever, though.

It might take patience and practice to navigate physical affection and emotional openness, but each step can lead to surprising breakthroughs in how you relate to others.

I’ve found that small habits—like a quick morning meditation or mindful breathing when I feel anxious—remind me that I’m allowed to seek comfort, whether it’s self-comfort or leaning on someone else.

You can adopt similar strategies, choose your own version of healthy contact, and rewrite the story that began when warm embraces felt rare.

Change can start now, with a gentle willingness to admit you need—and deserve—connection.

That realization alone can open doors you once thought were closed.