Parenting doesn’t come with a finish line. You spend years feeding, nurturing, and guiding your children, only to realize that once they enter adulthood, there’s a whole new set of unwritten rules. 

Many of us want to stay close to our grown kids—myself included—but sometimes we unintentionally drive them away instead of strengthening those family ties. 

I’ve seen it happen more times than I’d like to admit, not just in my own family but in countless conversations with friends who’ve navigated this tricky territory.

If you can relate, don’t fret. Nobody gets it right all the time, especially when emotions and decades of history are involved. But awareness is the first step toward change. 

Below, I’ll share seven common missteps well-meaning parents make, along with some thoughts on how to avoid them. 

I might be retired now, but I learn something new about family dynamics every single day—often from my grown kids and grandkids. Let’s dive in.

1. Acting like boundaries don’t apply 

Have you ever popped over to your adult child’s home unannounced, rummaged through their refrigerator, or “borrowed” their belongings without asking? 

It’s easy to assume that because you’re the parent, certain boundaries don’t apply. After all, didn’t you spend decades wiping noses and paying bills?

The trouble is, boundaries are crucial for any healthy relationship, especially when it involves adults who want to feel respected and independent. 

When you let yourself barge into their lives—physically or emotionally—without permission, you’re sending the message that their personal space doesn’t matter. 

In turn, they might distance themselves to preserve the autonomy they’re working so hard to maintain.

If you’re wondering how to find that sweet spot, consider flipping the situation. If your grown child dropped by your place at six in the morning, expecting to walk in like they owned the place, would you appreciate it? Probably not. 

So whenever you feel that parental urge to “just pop in,” give them a quick call first. Ask if it’s a good time to chat or visit, and respect it if they say no. 

This small change can make a world of difference in how welcomed and valued they feel.

2. Handing out unsolicited advice 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself jumping in with “You should…” or “If I were you…” before my son or daughter even finishes explaining their situation. 

Sound familiar? Even though our hearts are in the right place, dishing out unsolicited advice often comes across as patronizing—like we don’t trust them to figure it out on their own.

One of the toughest things about parenting adults is resisting the urge to “fix” their lives. We’ve lived long enough to spot certain pitfalls, so it feels natural to pass on our wisdom. 

But let’s face it: nobody likes being told what to do when they haven’t asked for help, especially once they’ve established careers, relationships, and households of their own.

So what’s the alternative? Instead of launching into a lecture, try a simple question like, “Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?” 

This approach respects their autonomy while leaving the door open for genuine help. 

Remember, advice that’s welcomed has a much better chance of actually being followed.

3. Underestimating their life choices 

Many parents have a mental roadmap of how they’d like to see their kids’ lives unfold: a stable job, a reliable partner, maybe a house in a nice neighborhood. 

But here’s the rub—adult children often follow different paths, and in today’s world, those paths can look pretty unconventional. 

Some choose careers in far-flung places, others embrace remote living, and plenty decide that marriage or homeownership isn’t in their immediate plans.

If every conversation begins with thinly veiled criticisms—“When will you get a real job?” or “Isn’t it time you gave me some grandchildren?”—it wears on them. 

Over time, they might share less about their lives because they expect a lecture or disapproval. That’s how the emotional distance sets in.

4. Clinging to the “I’m older, so I know best” card

Mark Twain once quipped, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned.” 

There’s some humor there, but also a reminder that the generation gap can shrink or grow depending on how we wield our age and experience.

Yes, we’ve been around the block a few more times. Yes, we’ve witnessed trends come and go. Still, flaunting age-based authority can hinder authentic connection. 

Sure, there might be situations where our experience does help us “know best.” However, constantly reminding them that we’ve “seen it all” often translates to shutting them down.

Remember that learning is a two-way street, particularly in a rapidly changing world. Embrace the idea that your adult children might teach you a thing or two about modern technology, new career pathways, or emerging cultural shifts. 

Let them feel proud to share knowledge with you—it levels the playing field and fosters mutual respect. 

You never know what interesting insights might arise if you’re willing to learn from your grown kids.

5. Letting criticism overshadow empathy

Constructive feedback is a delicate art. The difference between criticism and constructive feedback often lies in empathy. 

If all your adult child hears is, “You should do this differently,” or “You messed up again,” they might start believing you only see their flaws.

You might be the most loving parent in the world, but if you neglect to share empathy—especially when they’re going through tough times—it can push them right out of your life. 

Even if they’re now adults, they still need to feel safe confiding in you, whether it’s about a failing relationship or a career roadblock. If your immediate response is judgment or negativity, they’ll find someone else to lean on.

How do you show empathy instead of dishing out constant criticism? Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” or “That sounds tough. Want to talk about it?” 

Dale Carnegie famously said, “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” Even as adults, our kids still need that compassionate ear.

6. Holding onto past mistakes like they’re souvenirs

Yes, maybe they made some questionable choices in their twenties—or even in their thirties. 

Perhaps they dropped out of college, racked up credit card debt, or had a rocky relationship that ended in heartbreak. 

Those missteps, while painful, don’t have to define the dynamic you share today. Constant reminders of the “bad old days” can make your child feel stuck in a past they’ve worked hard to outgrow.

Let’s be honest: all of us have regrets we’d rather leave behind. Repeatedly dragging old skeletons out of the closet keeps the focus on what went wrong, instead of celebrating who they’re becoming. 

Over time, dwelling on their mistakes can convince them that you’ll never see them as anything but that error-prone younger version of themselves. 

If you truly want a healthy, supportive bond, let the past stay in the past—unless they specifically invite you to revisit it for some constructive reason.

I’m no know-it-all, but I’ve come to believe that forgiveness—both giving it and asking for it—can pave the way for deeper understanding. 

If there’s still baggage between you and your adult child, addressing it openly and then agreeing to move on can do wonders for your relationship. Nobody likes to feel perpetually judged for choices they made years ago.

7. Expecting their life to revolve around yours

Last but not least, let’s talk about the “drop everything for Mom or Dad” mindset. 

It’s easy to slip into the belief that your grown child should be at your beck and call, especially if you were once the center of their universe. 

But as they step into careers, relationships, and sometimes parenthood themselves, they’ll have new obligations, new responsibilities, and new ways of spending their time.

If you insist on them being available 24/7 for family events, errands, or even just your daily phone calls, you might push them away. 

Nobody wants to feel guilty for having a life that doesn’t revolve around their parents. 

It’s a tough pill to swallow, particularly when you miss those simpler days of having them under your roof. But clinging to that dynamic can create resentment on both sides.

A healthier approach is to plan get-togethers in advance, respect their schedule, and celebrate the fact that they have a life of their own. 

Maybe set up a standing monthly dinner or a weekly video call—something consistent but flexible. 

Show genuine interest in their hobbies, work, or projects, and don’t take it personally if they can’t drop everything at a moment’s notice. 

This kind of mutual respect fosters a more natural and long-lasting connection.

Conclusion: Will you open the door or close it?

As parents, we often do things with the best intentions, only to discover they’re driving our adult children away. I’ve made some of these mistakes myself.

The good news is that it’s never too late to pivot. Recognizing where we’re going wrong is half the battle. 

From there, it’s all about making small, consistent efforts to listen better, judge less, and share more empathy.

The question now is: Are you ready to give your grown kids the space and support they need to keep the relationship strong? 

It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the reward—a genuine bond built on mutual respect—is worth every bit of effort. 

After all, those kids may have flown the nest, but the family ties can still grow richer and deeper in this new chapter of life.