You don’t have to be dating someone for long to notice subtle shifts in their behavior and attitude.

But often, we assume the reason for their distancing or coldness is us.

However, what if you are NOT the problem? 

What if they are going through a personal battle with anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem?

If your partner no longer seems like their usual jolly self, look for these nine red flags that suggest they may be secretly unhappy.

1) They seem constantly in their head

One of the first signs you might notice if your partner is secretly unhappy is emotional distance. 

Whenever you try to connect with them, they will seem distant and distracted, and you’ll feel they are not listening to what you say.

This is because people who are struggling with anxiety and depression spend an unhealthy amount of time in their heads.

They are either going over the past repeatedly or worrying about all the things that could go wrong in the future.

Either way, someone who is struggling with their mental state will find it incredibly difficult to be present.

This is why, in your interactions, they will come across as distracted and emotionally distant.

This red flag often leads to the following one…

2) They refuse to open up with you

The more emotional distance between you and your partner, the harder it becomes to communicate openly and honestly.

Often, it takes a long time for people who are unhappy to understand their feelings and feel ready to talk about them.

Yet you will likely notice the signs well before this point, leading you to attempt to get them to open up before they are ready.

The result?

A total communication block.

In fact, speaking to someone who is secretly unhappy can feel like talking to a brick wall.

They respond with blunt or one-word answers, do not actively continue the conversation, and never ask you questions.

And whenever you ask if they are ok, they will respond with “ I’m fine!” with a not-so-subtle air of annoyance.

And on the subject of annoyance…

3) They overreact to things

A huge red flag that someone has unresolved emotions is mood swings.

When someone is dealing with anger, depression, worry, or battling with self-worth, they will become highly reactive.

They will “make a mountain out of a molehill” and fly off the handle over minor things.

This can be very distressing for you, as after a while, you’ll feel constantly on edge around them, afraid to say the wrong thing.

You will also probably think that you must have done something wrong for them to be so cold and irritable towards you.

But in reality, they act this way because they do not know how to manage their feelings. 

And if you try to make them aware of their behavior, you’ll likely encounter the following red flag…

4) They get defensive easily

Like mood swings, defensiveness is a sign of unresolved emotional issues, says Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington.

When someone is not managing their emotions well, they are more likely to perceive harmless comments and questions as criticism. 

And whenever someone perceives a threat or criticism, they become defensive.

As a result, if your partner is secretly unhappy, they will likely get defensive easily.

This defensiveness is especially common if your partner’s unhappiness is down to low feelings of self-worth.

In this case, they already feel vulnerable, so they feel a stronger need to defend themselves.

However, like irritability, dealing with a highly defensive partner can significantly strain the relationship. 

There are only so many times you can get verbally attacked before you no longer feel emotionally safe to express yourself, creating more emotional distance between you.

5) They focus only on the negatives

Unhappy people struggle to be positive. 

They typically expect the worst and look for the negatives in any situation. 

Research has also found that depressed people struggle to predict positive future outcomes for themselves and others.

Over time, a depressed person can get caught up in the suffering in the world, struggling to recognize any of the joy and beauty around them.

However, their negative attitude can also become personal.

When someone is unhappy, they will stop seeing their partner’s positive traits and instead frequently point out their flaws.

This could manifest by them complaining about every minor mistake you make while totally ignoring all the lovely things you do for them. 

Another thing research has found has strong links to depression is living in the past. So, if your partner is unhappy, you may notice the following red flag…

6) They keep bringing up the past 

Depression and dwelling on the past can become a dangerous cycle.

Feelings of unhappiness can lead someone to obsessively think about the past while dwelling on past events increases depression further.

So, if your partner is unhappy, you’ll likely notice that they keep bringing up the past.

This could be by:

• Frequently reminiscing on “better times” or commenting on how things were so much easier/better before
• Holding grudges and struggling to forgive
• Constantly recalling your childhood memories (whether good or bad)
• Avoiding change or new experiences

An unhappy partner living in the past may also keep bringing up your past mistakes.

Perhaps you did something to hurt them long ago, and although they say they’ve forgiven you, you get the feeling they haven’t.

Many relationship experts agree that forgiveness is vital to a happy and successful relationship. 

This 2012 study backs this up, as the researchers found a significant association between forgiveness and relationship satisfaction. 

The researchers also noticed that common signs someone has not forgiven their partner are berating or avoiding them (being distant), two other red flags we have already discussed.

We all know that someone who lives in the past becomes bitter. 

But, according to licensed counselor Shantrell P. Sutton, holding grudges can also lead to various physical health conditions like migraines, high blood pressure, and strokes.

7) They’re not taking care of themself

Another massive sign of depression and unhappiness is a lack of self-care.

Has your partner stopped going to the gym? 

Have they not shaved in weeks? 

Or do they seem like they are no longer bothered about their appearance?

If so, likely the culprit is unhappiness rather than laziness. 

When you ask them about it, they will probably respond with something like, “I can’t be bothered” or “I don’t feel like it.”

According to psychology, the reason depressed people neglect self-care is because they experience dysfunction in a part of their brain structure known as the frontal lobes.

Dysfunction in the frontal lobes impairs many executive functioning skills, including:

• Willpower
• Insight
• Judgment
• Planning and prioritizing
• Reasoning
• Self-monitoring
• Foresight

Thus, engaging in self-care activities can feel almost impossible for someone in a state of depression.

So what do they do instead of taking care of themselves? 

8) They’re distracting themself with unhealthy habits

Someone who is secretly unhappy will display many destructive behaviors.

They will turn to unhealthy habits as a way to distract themselves from their feelings, such as:

• Binge eating
• Drinking alcohol
• Gaming
• Excessive TV watching or social media use
• Overspending (such as excessive online shopping)

As they do these activities to the extreme, they become destructive behaviors, making their mental state even worse.

For example, someone who turns to comfort eating may eat until they feel sick and disgusted with themselves, lowering their self-esteem further. 

What’s more, as depressed people pursue these addictive behaviors, they will appear busy but are never doing anything productive. 

This is their way of avoiding the real issue – their unhappiness.

9) Intimacy is at an all time low

Finally, lack of intimacy is one of the most prominent telltale signs that the person you’re dating is unhappy.

When someone is feeling exceptionally low or battling feelings of low self-worth, sex is not on their agenda.

Therefore, they will have no sexual desire and will likely not respond to your advances. 

Moreover, other acts of affection, like cuddling, holding hands, and kissing, will become nonexistent.

In some cases, you might feel a lack of desire for intimacy with them, too.

This is due to the first red flag I mentioned, emotional distance. 

Physical intimacy is a natural occurrence among people who feel emotionally close. So the more distance that builds between you, the less intimacy you’ll feel for each other.

Final thoughts

When these red flags arise in your relationship, you might assume your partner is no longer interested in you. 

But in reality, it is more likely the case that they are unhappy with themselves. 

So what should you do?

Often, when someone is unhappy, they will only talk about it when they feel ready.

So you’ll need to be patient, letting them know that you’re here for them whenever they want to talk.

And in the meantime, don’t let their depression bring you down. Create space for your partner, but don’t forget your self-care.