9 red flags your partner sees you as an option, not a priority

Tina Fey by Tina Fey | November 16, 2024, 12:12 pm

Ever feel like your relationship is a game of romantic dodgeball, and you’re the ball?

Fear not, for we’re about to embark on a journey through the perilous realm of relationship priorities. 

If your partner’s attention feels more like a cameo than a feature film, and you’ve perfected the art of being a backstage pass in your own love life, you might be dealing with the classic “option, not a priority” scenario.

So, buckle up, because we’re about to unveil the top nine red flags that scream, “You’re not the leading role in this heart-tugging drama, you’re just the subplot waiting for a plot twist!”

Intrigued? Let’s dive right in.

1) They’re inconsistent

I may sound like a broken record here, but inconsistency is a major red flag.

It’s like trying to follow a recipe without measurements – one day, they’re showering you with attention, and the next, you’re left wondering if you’re on mute.

Let’s face it, when someone’s into you, they don’t treat your relationship like a platform for episodic plot twists – but rather a steady plot with rooms for improvement. 

Consistency is key in a healthy relationship, according to research. If your partner’s actions are inconsistent, it might be time to have a serious conversation about where your relationship is headed.

2) They don’t include you in future plans

Ever felt like you’re starring in a sequel without even knowing the plot?

If your partner’s future plans seem as exclusive as an Oscars after-party, and you’re stuck in the wings like a forgotten extra, my condolences, your partner might see you as no more than a standby. 

I remember in my previous relationship, my partner would make plans for the future – vacations, family events, even talking about moving to a new city – but I wasn’t included in any of them. It felt like they were planning a life, but it was a life without me.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but it was a clear sign that I was more of an option than a priority.

3) They rarely initiate contact

If your partner’s initiation level is as active as a snoozed alarm clock, it’s a sign they’re not that interested in you.

Someone who’s serious about having a relationship with you will want to know what you’re doing, how your day’s going, or when you two can meet.  

You might say that they’re busy or they’re bad at texting. Certainly, context matters. But an extended duration of snooze without cause is a glaring sign that you stand quite low on your partner’s priority list.

Here’s the reality check (and you know it): when someone’s head over heels, they don’t treat communication like a game of hide-and-seek; they blast the foghorn of connection loud and clear.  

4) They’re always too busy for you

We all have busy days or even busy weeks. But if your partner is constantly too busy to spend time with you, it’s a red flag that you’re not a priority to them.

When someone genuinely cares about you, they make time for you, no matter how busy they are. They’ll look forward to spending time with you and will make the effort to fit you into their schedule.

But if your partner is always making excuses about being too busy, it indicates that they see you as an option rather than a priority.

We all have the same 24 hours in a day, don’t we?

It’s not about having time; it’s about making time. If your partner can’t find the time for you, they might not be as committed to the relationship as you are.

5) They don’t listen to you

Listening is a fundamental part of any relationship. 

When your significant other is more tuned into their mental grocery list than your tales of office escapades, it’s like performing Shakespeare to an audience of one who’s busy updating their Instagram.

If you find yourself repeatedly sharing the same crucial life details with your partner only to have them go in one ear and out the other, it might be less about their memory and more about their selective hearing.

And what does selective hearing mean?

It means the person only chooses to hear what’s important to them. If they don’t listen to your words, it’s because you’re not a priority to them. 

6) They take more than they give

In a healthy relationship, there’s a balance of giving and receiving.

If your relationship feels like a lopsided charity event where you’re always the donor and your partner is forever running off with the loot, it means your partner is not taking you seriously enough to contribute their fair share.

Love is giving. I agree. But you’re not the Messiah, or a well of living water that your partner can drink infinitely from. 

Being in a one-sided relationship where you’re seen as an option rather than a priority can be emotionally exhausting.

Don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who is willing to give as much as they take from you?

7) They don’t express their feelings

Expression of feelings is an integral part of any relationship. It builds trust, intimacy, and understanding.

In one of my past relationships, I dated someone who rarely expressed their feelings for me. They shied away from saying “I love you” and seemed uncomfortable when I expressed my feelings for them.

I eventually realized that their reluctance to express their feelings was a sign that they didn’t see me as a priority.

If your partner rarely expresses their feelings towards you or seems uncomfortable when you express yours, it could be a red flag.  

8) They don’t make you feel valued

At the heart of every relationship is the need to feel valued and loved.

If your significant other isn’t treating you like the MVP of the relationship, throwing compliments your way or treating you like the rare, limited edition Pokémon card that you are, then Houston, we have a problem.

What should you do when your partner doesn’t realize your trophy-worthy greatness, then?

My advice is: Leave self-help books strategically open to chapters on appreciation, send flowers to yourself, or decorate the house with Post-its of your achievements. 

If they still don’t get it, maybe it’s time to move on.

9) They don’t make an effort to resolve conflicts

Every couple fights. It’s normal. But what matters is how you handle them.

If your partner avoids resolving conflicts, or worse, ignores them altogether, it could mean that they don’t see the relationship as a priority.

When someone values you and your relationship, they make an effort to address issues head-on. They communicate, they listen, and they work towards a resolution.

If they avoid it, it means they don’t want to waste their time and energy on it. Perhaps it’s because they see you more as an option than a priority.

Final thoughts: It’s about self-worth

At the core of recognizing these red flags is an understanding of your own self-worth.

You deserve a partner who values you, who includes you in their future plans, who listens to you, and who makes you feel valued.

It’s crucial to remember that a relationship is a partnership—a mutual agreement to support each other and grow together. It’s not about settling for less than you deserve because of fear or loneliness.

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