Is honesty really the best policy in relationships?

As a relationship expert and founder of the Love Connection blog, I’ve come to realize there are a few exceptions to this rule.

And many relationship therapists agree, claiming there are rare occasions when it might be okay, even beneficial, to tell a little white lie to your partner.

It’s not about deception or manipulation, but understanding when a small lie might protect your partner’s feelings, enhance the relationship, or avoid unnecessary conflict.

Let me share with you these 8 rare instances when it might be okay to bend the truth in your relationship. 

1) When it’s about surprise

Surprises are an essential part of any relationship. They break the monotony, add excitement, and show that you’re thoughtful.

But let’s face it, surprises wouldn’t be surprises if we didn’t keep some things under wraps.

According to relationship therapists, this is one of those rare instances where it’s okay to lie to your partner.

If you’re planning a surprise birthday party or a special anniversary gift, it might require a little dishonesty along the way. Just make sure that your lie has a positive outcome and is revealed in a reasonable amount of time.

2) When the truth serves no constructive purpose

Sometimes, the truth can be brutally harsh and serve no real benefit. 

I remember, early in my own relationship, I once told my partner that I didn’t like his new haircut. It was the truth, but it only served to hurt his feelings and create an unnecessary argument.

A relationship therapist later told me that in situations like these, it might be better to hold back.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should lie about big things or hide important feelings, but when it comes to small, inconsequential matters that could hurt your partner’s feelings, sometimes it’s okay to let it slide.

After all, love isn’t about always being brutally honest, but also about being kind.

3) When discussing past relationships

While it’s essential to be transparent with your partner, there’s a fine line when it comes to discussing past relationships.

It’s not about lying, but about being tactful with the truth.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I discuss how sharing too much about your past relationships can lead to unnecessary insecurities and comparisons.

There’s no need to recount every detail of your past love life, especially if it doesn’t contribute anything positive to your current relationship. For example, it’s okay to not divulge every detail about your ex or how you broke up.

Our focus should be on building our present and future, not dwelling on the past.

4) When you’re unhappy about something they can’t change

This one might seem counterintuitive, but hear me out.

Let’s say your partner has a characteristic or habit that they simply can’t change, like being a terrible singer. And let’s say that, as much as you love them, their off-key renditions of your favorite songs make you cringe.

In this case, it might be better to keep your true feelings to yourself.

Why?

Because pointing it out won’t change the fact that they can’t sing, but it will make them feel self-conscious and possibly even hurt.

There’s a difference between constructive criticism and pointless honesty. If the truth only serves to hurt their feelings and doesn’t lead to any positive change, it might be better left unsaid.

5) When the lie is about self-improvement

This might sound strange, but sometimes a little white lie can be a catalyst for self-improvement.

A few years ago, my partner told me he was a regular at the gym.

It turned out, he wasn’t. But because he’d told me he was, he started going to the gym regularly so as not to be caught in a lie.

Today, he thanks me for being the unintentional reason behind his healthier lifestyle.

In this case, the lie turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s important to note that this should only apply to harmless situations and should not be used as an excuse to lie about significant matters.

Small lies that lead to positive changes? Maybe they’re not so bad after all.

6) When telling the truth could potentially end the relationship

This is a tough one, and it’s not for the faint-hearted.

Sometimes, there are truths so devastating that revealing them could shatter your relationship entirely. These are often things from our past that we deeply regret or that we’ve changed significantly since.

This doesn’t mean you should keep major secrets or lie about significant issues.

But if there’s something in your past that has no bearing on your present or future together, and you’re certain it would cause irreparable damage if revealed, it might be best to keep it to yourself.

Remember, every situation is unique, and this advice won’t apply in every case.

It’s always best to seek advice from a professional before making any major decisions about honesty in your relationship.

7) When it’s about your personal self-care

We all need a little ‘me time’, right? Even in a relationship, taking time for self-care is crucial to your wellbeing.

So if you’ve told your partner you’re running errands when you’re actually sneaking in some alone time at a coffee shop or spending an extra hour at the gym, don’t beat yourself up.

These little lies are okay if they’re helping you recharge and be the best partner you can be.

So go ahead, take that well-deserved ‘me time’ – your relationship will thank you for it!

8) When their feelings are at risk

This is the hard truth: sometimes, we have to lie to the ones we love to protect their feelings.

If your partner shares a passion or hobby with you that they’re not particularly good at, it’s okay to tell a small lie to encourage them.

Or if they’re worried about an upcoming meeting, interview, or presentation, assuring them that they’ll do great can help boost their confidence, even if you share their concerns.

The key here is discernment. It’s about knowing when to tell the truth and when a lie could prevent unnecessary anxiety or hurt.

In the end, relationships are about love and support. If a small lie can provide comfort and reassurance, then maybe, just maybe, it’s the right thing to do.

Conclusion

Navigating relationships is tricky, and sometimes, the line between truth and lie can get blurry.

But remember, it isn’t about being deceitful. It’s about preserving peace, promoting happiness, and sometimes, protecting feelings.

If you’d like to explore more about healthy relationship dynamics, my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship delves deeper into these topics.

Always remember: honesty is significant, but so is kindness. Let’s strive to find a balance between the two.