Let’s face it – in the beginning of a new relationship, we’re all easy to please. 

We’re all caught up in the sparks, in the passion of it all that we might overlook the deeper, more substantial qualities our partner should have. 

And yes, I’m well aware of how we all have different tastes when considering a partner. For example, I might want someone who’s funny, but you might prefer someone who’s serious. 

But there’s a certain set of qualities that should transcend personal preferences — qualities that psychologists agree are foundational and therefore non-negotiable for any successful long-term relationship. 

Let’s explore these 9 crucial qualities that experts believe you should look for in a partner: 

1) Likability

First up, let me ask you a question: Do you like your partner? 

Take note that I didn’t ask if you love them. You likely already do. But it is absolutely possible to love someone and not like them. 

Yes, you could care deeply about their happiness and well-being and value them in your life…and yet, struggle with dislike for them. 

That’s why relationship experts say falling in like with your partner takes more commitment and is actually more important than falling in love. 

Relationship coach Andrea Syrtash explains, “When we do not like someone outside the context of dating, we usually just avoid spending time around that person. 

Somehow, though, when we are romantically linked to someone we don’t particularly like, we give in more easily because of love or the other powerful L word—lust.”

Unfortunately, over time, those passions fade. And if “like” isn’t there in the picture, how do you think your relationship will fare? 

So, Syrtash suggests asking yourself these questions: 

• Do you like who they are? 
• Do you like yourself around them? 
• Do you like experiencing the same things in life as they do? 
• Are you so in like with them that they are one of your favorite people to be around?

Don’t take “like” for granted just because it isn’t as dramatic as love and passion. It’s a quality that can keep you together for many, many years…a lifetime, even. 

2) Communication skills

Let’s look at the facts: 

• Conflict resolution calls for listening and openness. 
• We cannot read our partner’s mind, nor can they read ours. 
• Sharing personal thoughts and feelings deepens emotional connection.

Think of communication as bricks that you use to build a home. Without it, you have no home, period. 

Marriage.com explains how this happens: “If you don’t communicate with your partner, you will lose touch with them, and the relationship declines gradually.

If you have feasible suggestions that will help your partner improve, it is better to communicate with them rather than keeping quiet.

When they are unaware of their faults, they will keep making ignorant mistakes, stirring up conflicts in the relationship.”

So pay attention to how your partner communicates (or doesn’t). Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t seem to be as invested in it as you are. 

This brings me to the next point…

3) Open to compromise

I once had a relationship with a guy who had to have his way all the time. At first, I barely even noticed this, as I was too caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. 

But as the honeymoon phase ended, it became clear: a lot of things weren’t up for discussion because he had already decided. We watched the movies he wanted to watch, tried out the restaurants he chose, and all that. 

Well, what about me, then? 

Yeah, that’s a question you should ask yourself. I mean, of course, it’s only natural to want to make your partner happy, just as long as they also feel that way. 

According to mental health experts at The Source, compromise should be balanced. In a healthy relationship, the sacrifice is mutual, not one-sided. 

If your partner doesn’t seem to get this, spare yourself the heartbreak and walk away. Because ultimately, what it means is that they also lack this next quality…

4) Respect

Mexican author Don Miguel Ruiz once said, “Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.”

I completely agree. And I believe that it’s the key to how we handle our differences. 

Without it, we can easily slide into the worst communication patterns, also known as the Four Horsemen, as psychologist John Gottman calls them.

Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling. 

Anathema to any relationship. 

I also believe that you should also take a look at how your partner treats everyone else, not just you. 

Because sometimes, people can put their best foot forward with someone they’re trying to impress, like a new partner, but their true colors show in how they treat others.

And that’s a red flag just the same. It could only be a matter of time before that lack of respect is directed at you.

5) Empathy

Does your partner know how to listen to you? Do they understand where you’re coming from, even when they don’t agree? 

That’s empathy, and it’s absolutely non-negotiable. It’s essential in making your relationship your safe space. 

You want a partner who will never dismiss your concerns or make you feel silly for feeling what you’re feeling. You want someone who makes you feel secure and loved. 

Otherwise, why even be in a relationship? You’d just be asking for heartache and stress. 

6) Supportiveness

Following on from that, an empathetic partner will likely be a supportive partner as well. 

I remember attending the book launch of an author friend of mine. I looked around the room for her husband, but he was nowhere to be found. 

When I asked her where he was, she shrugged and said he decided to stay home. She seemed quite stoic about it, but I really felt bad for her.

I can’t imagine how lonely it must feel to have that one person who’s supposed to be in your corner, well, not there. 

And if they’re that way during the big moments, well, I can just imagine how they are in the small moments when you need their support. 

Mental health counselor Lauren L. Rigney says in Bustle, “By not showing up, they are not experiencing things that are special to you.

They’re also sending the (very loud) message that you aren’t a priority in their life, and that is not the makings of a solid relationship.” 

7) Integrity

Do you want a partner who’ll do the right thing even when you aren’t watching? Then include integrity in your list of non-negotiables. 

For me, integrity is so important because it’s proof that the person is a good person at heart. 

It’s also a quality that takes time to discover, which is why I believe that we should always give our relationships enough time for this trait to manifest. 

That’s because integrity shows up in our small, everyday choices. In consistency between words and actions. 

Of course, they won’t behave perfectly every time. None of us are capable of that. But as therapist Stuart Fensterheim says:

“As humans we are fallible, we make mistakes, and—no matter the issue—we seem to be able to justify any action we take. When we truly have integrity, though, good will win out the majority of the time.

The truth will prevail. The ‘angel on our shoulder’ is who we listen to most often, in a manner of speaking.”

Read that again – “good will win out majority of the time.” In a world full of deceitful and untrustworthy people, those are great odds, aren’t they? 

8) Independence

Go to any relationship sub reddit on Reddit, and I guarantee you’ll always find a story or two of people griping about how their partners can’t seem to stand on their own two feet. 

Or how they can’t seem to hold down a job. Or how they are so clingy and constantly jealous. 

What do these issues have in common? A lack of independence. 

The whole “You complete me” line from Jerry Maguire might sound romantic, but it’s not really what you want in a healthy relationship. You’re not looking for your other half because you should already be whole on your own. 

A healthy relationship happens when two already complete people get together, and they improve – not complete – each other’s lives. 

If you want that kind of relationship, choose someone who already knows how to be on their own. Someone who’s got their own thing going on and can stand on their two feet.

And for their sake, I hope you’re that kind of person as well. 

9) Shared values

Lastly, you may find all these qualities in someone, but it still won’t matter if they don’t have this last standard – the same values you do. 

Okay, maybe if you’re the type who likes a bit of challenge and drama, this isn’t really non-negotiable. Maybe it isn’t that much of a dealbreaker for you. 

But generally, having shared values is key to long-term compatibility in a relationship.

I’ve seen couples who were so in love but had vastly different goals and values and ultimately parted ways. 

For instance, a friend of mine wanted kids, but his partner didn’t. 

Another friend had always been career-oriented and expected an equal share of responsibilities with her partner.

However, he was more traditional and had his own certain (gender-based) expectations that she didn’t feel inclined to meet. 

They did try to compromise and work it out, but eventually they realized that their visions for the future were just too different.

Cases like these prove that sometimes, love just isn’t enough. That’s why it’s so important to have those tough conversations about values early on. 

Knowing where each of you stands on issues that are deal breakers can save a lot of heartache and ensure you’re both moving forward together.