8 phrases you use that can make people resent you

Avatar by Justin Brown | March 25, 2024, 10:08 pm

Communication is a powerful tool, often revealing more about us than we realize. It’s not just about the words we use, but also how we use them that matters.

Sometimes, without even knowing it, we may employ certain phrases that can spark resentment in others. These phrases may seem harmless to us but can be perceived as dismissive, arrogant or even manipulative by those on the receiving end.

In this article, we’ll explore eight phrases that might be causing unintentional harm to your relationships. Awareness is the first step towards change, so continue reading to uncover any communication pitfalls you may be unknowingly falling into.

1) “You always…” or “You never…”

Communication is a two-way street. It’s not just about what we say but also how we perceive and react to what others say. Often, we fall into the trap of using absolute terms like “always” and “never” in our conversations.

Although it might seem harmless or even factual to us, these kinds of blanket statements can make the receiver feel unfairly judged or generalized.

It’s a common mistake that can lead to resentment and conflict, especially in close relationships where each party values being seen and understood in their individuality.

For instance, saying something like “You always forget to take out the trash” or “You never listen to me” can create a defensive response. The listener may feel attacked and start focusing on defending themselves rather than paying attention to what you’re trying to communicate.

Instead of using absolute terms, it’s more productive and respectful to express your concerns in a more specific and nuanced way. For example, you could say, “I noticed the trash hasn’t been taken out a few times this month” or “I felt unheard when I was talking about my day.”

This approach acknowledges the issue at hand without making sweeping assumptions about the person’s character or behavior. It’s a small shift in language that can greatly improve the quality of your conversations and relationships.

2) “That’s not my job”

In both our professional and personal lives, cooperation and mutual assistance are key to building strong, lasting relationships. However, when we use phrases like “That’s not my job”, it can come off as dismissive and uncooperative.

This statement often springs from a desire to protect our personal boundaries or to avoid additional responsibilities. However, it can easily be perceived as a lack of empathy or unwillingness to help, which can lead to resentment.

Instead, consider saying something like “I understand why this is important, but I’m currently focused on another task. Can we find another solution?” This response communicates your constraints without completely shutting down the request.

3) “If I were you…”

Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication. However, a common mistake we make while trying to empathize is using the phrase “If I were you…”.

While our intention might be to show understanding or to offer advice, this phrase can come off as presumptuous and dismissive. It subtly implies that you know better than the person you’re talking to, which can be quite off-putting.

Instead of projecting our own experiences and perspectives onto others, it’s more helpful to encourage them to explore their own feelings and ideas. A simple “How do you feel about that?” or “What do you think is the best course of action?” can go a long way.

For more insights on leading an authentic life, I invite you to watch my video where I explore the importance of giving up on the idea of constantly being a “good person.”  

And if you find my insights valuable and want to explore living a more purposeful and free life, consider joining over 20,000 others who have subscribed to my YouTube channel. You can do so by clicking here.

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4) “I knew that would happen”

We’ve all heard or used the phrase “I knew that would happen” at some point. While it might seem like a harmless comment, it can come off as dismissive, arrogant, or even manipulative, making the listener feel belittled or undermined.

This phrase is often used to assert superiority or control over a situation – a misguided attempt to showcase foresight. However, its frequent use can inadvertently establish a power dynamic that reinforces dominance and hierarchy, potentially leading to resentment over time.

If you want to acknowledge your intuition without dismissing the situation or placing blame, a more appropriate response would be: “I had a feeling that might happen, but let’s figure out how to handle it together.” 

Remember: Providing support or constructive feedback in real-time is always more valuable than merely showcasing our hindsight wisdom.

5) “Just calm down”

The truth is: Telling someone to “just calm down” in the heat of the moment can sometimes backfire. It’s like brushing off their feelings and brushing aside their concerns, which can leave a sour taste.

Using that phrase is basically saying, “I don’t want to deal with your emotions right now.” It’s a quick fix that avoids tackling the real issue.

Instead, try something more empathetic, like saying, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take a breather to gather our thoughts before we dive back in.” This not only acknowledges their feelings but also gives both of you space to cool off.

I explore this concept further in one of my videos about mindfulness meditation, where I discuss how this practice accentuates what’s already inside us, both good and bad. It’s worth checking out for a deeper dive into self-awareness.

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6) “That’s impossible”

The phrase “that’s impossible” may appear to be a simple statement of fact or a logical conclusion based on current circumstances. However, it can be a self-limiting belief that hinders our ability to see beyond the present moment and imagine a different future.

This phrase can stifle innovation, creativity, and problem-solving—the three core elements that I believe are the essence of our humanity.  

Instead of resorting to absolutes, it’s more empowering to say, “That’s challenging, but let’s explore some potential solutions,” or “We haven’t found a way yet, but let’s keep looking.”

This approach encourages perseverance and creative problem-solving, allowing us to tap into our inherent potential for innovation.

7) “It’s all your fault”

Pointing fingers and throwing out phrases like “It’s all your fault” can really put a strain on relationships. It sidesteps owning up to our own part and unfairly dumps the blame on the other person, which is a surefire way to brew resentment and make things tense.

Instead of pointing fingers, it’s way more productive to talk about how a specific action made you feel. For example, instead of saying, “You made me miss the meeting because you took too long”, you could say, “I felt really stressed when we were running late and ended up missing the meeting.”

Shifting the focus from blame to sharing personal feelings opens up the conversation and helps both sides understand each other better.

8) “You should have…”

Using the phrase “You should have…” carries a heavy weight of regret and blame. It insinuates that someone made a misstep or didn’t meet certain expectations, which can stir up feelings of guilt and frustration.

Rather than dwelling on what could have been, I find it more constructive to focus on what can be done moving forward. For instance, instead of saying “You should have called me earlier,” I’d opt for “Next time, could you please call me earlier?”

This approach emphasizes looking ahead with a proactive mindset, promoting personal development and ongoing learning. It’s in line with my belief that challenges are opportunities for growth and improvement.

Understanding and evolving our communication

The phrases we’ve covered here highlight how seemingly innocuous language can breed resentment. By being mindful of our words and their effects, we can nurture stronger, more genuine relationships.

Central to this evolution are self-awareness and personal development—themes I regularly delve into on my YouTube channel. From mindfulness meditation to explorations of contemporary self-help movements, my content encompasses various aspects of individual and collective growth.

If you’re interested in exploring these themes further and joining a community dedicated to living life with more authenticity and freedom, I invite you to subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

As we conclude this exploration of communication pitfalls, consider this: How can you tweak your language to foster more empathy and understanding in your interactions?

Here’s the bottom line: Effective communication is a delicate balance of words, emotions, and intentions, where the impact often lies in how we convey rather than what we say.