Arguments can be tough, and frustration can make us say things we don’t mean.

The hard part is, these words can often do more harm than good.

The key is knowing what not to say – even when your patience is being tested.

Your choice of words can either escalate the argument or help cool things down.

This doesn’t mean you should swallow your feelings.

It’s about expressing them in a way that’s constructive, not destructive.

Let’s explore 9 phrases you should avoid in an argument, even when you’re at your wit’s end. Trust me, it’ll make a big difference.

1) “You always…”

Frustration can sometimes cause us to overgeneralize the actions of others, especially during a heated argument.

The phrase “you always…” is a classic example.

This phrase tends to shut down dialogue rather than open it up.

It can make the other person defensive, as it implies that they’re always at fault or they never do anything right.

And let’s face it, ‘always’ is rarely accurate.

Everyone has their moments of doing things right or wrong.

By focusing on ‘always’, we ignore those instances when the person did not exhibit the behavior we’re arguing about.

So, instead of saying, “You always leave your clothes on the floor,” try something like, “I’ve noticed your clothes on the floor more often recently. Can we talk about that?”

This creates room for conversation and understanding, rather than an immediate defensive reaction.

Remember, the goal is resolution, not winning the argument.

2) “Whatever”

We’ve all been guilty of using this one, myself included.

“Whatever” is one of those dismissive phrases that can be like throwing fuel on a fire.

I remember a time when my partner and I were arguing about whose turn it was to cook dinner.

The discussion was getting heated.

I was frustrated and tired from a long day at work, and instead of continuing the conversation, I just threw up my hands and said, “Whatever”.

Bad move on my part.

This single word ended the argument, but not in a positive way.

It escalated the tension because it communicated that I didn’t care about the issue – or worse – about my partner’s feelings.

It’s a phrase that doesn’t contribute to resolution; instead, it suggests that you’re not interested in understanding the other person’s perspective.

So, take it from me – avoid “whatever” if you want to keep the argument from spiraling out of control.

3) “This is just like you”

The phrase “this is just like you” can be harmful in an argument.

It shifts the focus from the specific behavior or issue at hand to the person’s character as a whole.

This can escalate tensions and make it more difficult to resolve the conflict.

When in the heat of an argument, it’s important to focus on addressing the specific behavior or issue that is causing the disagreement.

Instead of making generalizations about the person’s character, try to express how their actions or words are affecting you and what specific changes you would like to see.

For example, you could say something like, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [emotion]. I would appreciate it if we could [suggest a solution or compromise].”

You see, this approach keeps the conversation focused on finding a resolution rather than escalating personal attacks.

4) “I’m fine”

“I’m fine” might be one of the most common phrases we use when we’re actually not fine at all.

When used during an argument, it’s a clear sign that we’re bottling up our emotions.

Instead of expressing our true feelings, we suppress them with an “I’m fine”.

But the problem is, those emotions don’t just disappear.

They simmer beneath the surface and can cause even more tension.

While it might seem easier to say “I’m fine”, it’s crucial to express how you really feel.

You could say, “I’m feeling upset because…” or “I feel unheard when…”.

Being honest about your emotions can lead to a more open, understanding conversation.

5) “You’re too sensitive”

When tensions run high during an argument, it’s easy to brush off the other person’s emotions with a simple phrase like “you’re too sensitive.”

But let’s face it, that can cut deep and make things worse.

By slapping on the label of ‘too sensitive,’ you’re basically saying their feelings don’t matter, which can really sting and leave them feeling invalidated.

Rather than shutting them down, try validating their feelings instead.

You could say something like, “I hear you’re upset, and I didn’t mean to cause that.”

It shows empathy and can go a long way toward easing the tension in the heat of the moment.

6) “It’s not a big deal”

The phrase “It’s not a big deal” can really throw a wrench in resolving an argument.

While it might seem harmless, it can actually make the other person feel dismissed and hurt.

What might seem insignificant to you could be a big deal to someone else.

We all see things through our own lenses shaped by past experiences, expectations, and who we are as individuals.

Before you go blurting out “It’s not a big deal,” consider that it could mean the world to the other person.

Instead, try saying, “I get that this matters to you. Let’s hash it out.”

This acknowledges their feelings and shows you’re open to hearing them out.

7) “You’re overreacting”

In one of my previous relationships, I had a habit of using the phrase “you’re overreacting”.

I thought it would help calm the situation down, but instead, it only made things worse.

This phrase implies that the other person’s feelings are not valid, and it can make them feel small and misunderstood.

It’s a form of blame-shifting, where instead of addressing the issue at hand, you’re criticizing their reaction to the issue.

A better approach would be to say something like, “I can see that you’re really upset. Can we try to talk this through calmly?”

This acknowledges their feelings and encourages a more constructive conversation. Trust me, it makes a world of difference.

8) “Calm down”

“Calm down” is a phrase that rarely achieves what it’s meant to do. Instead of helping the other person relax, it often escalates the situation.

When someone is told to calm down, it can feel dismissive and patronizing.

It suggests that their emotions are not valid or are too intense.

A better approach is to express your desire for a more relaxed conversation without invalidating their feelings.

You could say, “I can see you’re upset, and I am too. Let’s take a few minutes to gather our thoughts so we can discuss this calmly.”

This shows respect for their emotions while also setting a more constructive tone for the conversation.

9) “If you loved me, you would…”

Using the phrase “If you loved me, you would…” in the heat of an argument with your partner is a slippery slope.

It can feel like emotional manipulation and can drive a wedge between you two.

This kind of statement puts unfair pressure on your partner to meet your expectations as proof of their love.

It’s like holding their affection hostage until they comply with your demands.

Rather than resorting to this ultimatum, try expressing your feelings and needs directly.

Use “I” statements to convey how you feel and what you need from the relationship.

For instance, you might say, “I feel unsupported when [specific behavior], and I’d appreciate it if we could [propose a solution or compromise].”

Final thoughts: The power of words

When it comes to arguments and heated discussions, words can either be a bridge or a wall.

They can either open doors to understanding and resolution, or they can slam them shut, leaving behind hurt feelings and unresolved issues.

The phrases we’ve covered in this article have the potential to cause more harm than good during an argument.

They can feel dismissive, manipulative, and invalidating to the receiver.

But here’s the silver lining – recognizing these phrases is the first step towards changing how we communicate during conflicts.

It’s about choosing words that respect the other person’s feelings and perspectives, even when we’re frustrated.

Remember, it’s not about winning an argument, but about understanding each other better.

So the next time you find yourself in the heat of a disagreement, take a moment to reflect on your words.

Because every word we utter has the potential to change the course of our relationships for better or worse.