Remember when your mom used to say “Do as I say, not as I do”?

Well, it turns out that those wise words hold more weight than you may think. Parenting, it seems, is an art of balance.

You want to guide your children without stifling them, to teach them without lecturing.

But here’s the kicker.

Even with the best intentions, we might unknowingly say things that can have a lasting impact on our children. Yes, even when they’re all grown up!

So, if you’ve ever wondered “Am I saying the right things to my kids?” or “How can I communicate better with my children?”, then you’re in the right place.

Ready to find out?

Hold on tight as we dive into the seven phrases you should steer clear from when talking to your children, regardless of how old they are.

Short and sweet, each point will give you a fresh perspective on how words can shape a child’s world – one phrase at a time.

1) “Because I said so”

This phrase might seem harmless. After all, it’s been a staple in parental vocabulary for generations.

But hold on a sec.

When you say “Because I said so”, you’re dismissing your children’s curiosity and their need to understand why.

You’re suggesting that their opinion or understanding doesn’t matter.

So, instead of shutting down the conversation, try explaining your reasoning.

Even when they’re adults, your children will appreciate the transparency and respect. It not only encourages open dialogue but also strengthens trust between you and your kids.

2) “You’re just like your [parent/sibling]”

I can tell you firsthand just how damaging this phrase can be.

Growing up, my brother was the sports star of the family – football, basketball, you name it.

I, on the other hand, was more of a bookworm. But every time I’d stumble with a ball or miss a catch, my dad would say, “You’re just like your mother, no sports in your blood.”

At first, it was just embarrassing. But over time, I started believing I could never be good at sports. Even as an adult, that phrase stuck with me and continued to affect my self-esteem.

Here’s the deal:

Comparisons can be harmful, especially when they’re used to point out flaws or failures.

Studies emphasize that empathetic and supportive parenting styles foster healthy self-esteem, whereas critical comparisons often lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Each child is unique and should be appreciated for their individuality. By comparing your children to each other or to yourself, you might unintentionally undermine their self-confidence and personal growth.

Instead of drawing comparisons, celebrate their unique strengths and talents. Trust me, it makes a world of difference.

3) “I’m disappointed in you”

These four words can carry a heavy weight. When spoken, they have a way of settling deep within, creating a sense of inadequacy that’s hard to shake off.

Imagine your child has poured their heart into a project or an endeavor, only to fall short of their goal.

They’re already feeling low, and then they hear “I’m disappointed in you”. It’s like a punch to the gut.

But, here’s the reality.

Failure is a part of life. Not every attempt will result in success. And that’s okay. It’s how we learn, how we grow.

It’s essential to distinguish between expressing disappointment at the situation and expressing disappointment in the person.

Research indicates that constructive feedback, rather than personal criticism, helps children develop resilience and self-worth.

Instead of using this phrase, try saying something along the lines of “I know you tried your best, and that’s what matters”.

This encourages resilience and reassures them that failure doesn’t diminish their worth in your eyes.

After all, everyone stumbles. But it’s getting back up that counts.

4) “You always…” or “You never…”

Absolute statements like these can feel like an attack, causing your child to become defensive. And here’s why.

When you say “You always forget your chores” or “You never listen to me”, you’re focusing on the negatives and overlooking their efforts or improvements.

This could lead them to believe that they can’t do anything right, discouraging them from trying to improve.

Instead, address the specific behavior without labeling the person.

For instance, say “It would be helpful if you could remember your chores” or “I feel like you’re not listening to me right now”.

This way, you’re addressing the issue without making sweeping negative judgments about their character.

It’s a subtle change but can have a big impact on how your words are received.

5) “Don’t cry”

Did you know that crying releases stress hormones from the body?

It’s a natural and healthy way to express emotions. But quite often, we tend to discourage it.

When we tell our children “Don’t cry”, we’re essentially telling them to suppress their feelings.

This can lead to emotional buildup and make it harder for them to deal with their feelings in the long run.

Instead of dismissing their emotions, try acknowledging them. A simple “I see that you’re upset” or “It’s okay to feel sad” can go a long way in helping them process their emotions.

It’s important to teach children, regardless of their age, that all feelings – even the uncomfortable ones – are valid and should be expressed in healthy ways.

6) “You’re okay”

This phrase, while well-intentioned, can often be dismissive of your child’s feelings.

When a child is upset or hurt and we quickly assure them “You’re okay”, we might unintentionally imply that their feelings or experiences are not significant or valid.

This can make them feel unheard or misunderstood.

Try acknowledging what they’re going through first. If they’ve had a bad day or if they’re upset, a “That sounds really tough, I’m here for you” can provide them with the comfort and empathy they need.

7) “I do everything for you”

This phrase, often uttered in moments of frustration, carries a heavy burden.

Why, you ask?

Well, it can make your child feel like they’re a burden, or that they owe you for the care you’ve provided.

This can cause feelings of guilt and obligation that can persist into adulthood.

Here’s the most important thing to remember:

Parenting is about unconditional love and support, not keeping a score of sacrifices.

So instead of expressing your frustration this way, try communicating your feelings differently.

You could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now” or “I could use some help around the house”.

The impact of our words lasts long after they’ve been spoken. Let’s make sure they leave a positive mark.

Final thoughts

If you’ve found yourself uttering these phrases, don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ve all been there.

After all, parenting doesn’t come with a manual.

But here’s the silver lining – it’s never too late to change our communication patterns.

With self-awareness and intention, we can transform these phrases into opportunities for nurturing and growth.

It’s about striking a balance between guidance and understanding, rules and empathy.

Begin by noticing when these phrases slip out. Reflect on what you’re truly trying to convey, and then find a more supportive way to express it.

Keep in mind that your words can shape your child’s world – even when they’re fully grown.

In the end, it’s not just about what we should never say to our children, but what we should say and how we say it.

Because words have power – let’s use them wisely.