We all have a tremendous power in our words. They can lift someone up or unintentionally bring them down. And sometimes, we may not even realize the impact our words can have.

At times, we might say something without realizing its potential sting. These phrases can inadvertently hurt others, even if we mean well.

In this article, I’ll share with you 9 phrases that might be causing more harm than good. Not to make you feel guilty, but to enlighten you about the power of your words.

So let’s dive in and discover these phrases, not to condemn, but to encourage more thoughtful communication in our everyday interactions.

1) “You look tired”

We’ve all been there. You run into someone, notice their appearance, and the first phrase that pops into your head is “you look tired”. While you may think you’re showing concern, it can come off as a critique of their appearance.

People often use this phrase intending to express empathy or concern. However, it can end up making the other person feel self-conscious about how they look. It may also imply that they’re not doing enough to take care of themselves or manage their time effectively.

We all have our off days, and sometimes our physical appearance may reflect that. But pointing it out doesn’t help. Instead, it might be better to ask how they’re doing or if they need any assistance with anything.

2) “It’s not that big of a deal”

I remember a time when a close friend shared a problem they were dealing with, and my immediate response was, “It’s not that big of a deal”. At the time, I thought I was helping by providing perspective and minimizing their stress. But in reality, I was invalidating their feelings.

This phrase, while often meant to soothe or reassure, can unintentionally belittle someone’s experiences or feelings. It sends a message that their concerns or problems are insignificant or unimportant.

Instead of diminishing their feelings, it might be more helpful to offer support and listen to their concerns. Something like, “I can see you’re really upset about this. How can I help?” acknowledges their feelings and offers support.

It took me some time to realize this, but in doing so, I became a better friend and listener.

3) “I told you so”

The phrase “I told you so” has been around for centuries. In fact, it was first recorded in English in 1721. Despite its long history, it’s one of those phrases that rarely brings comfort or joy to the receiver.

This phrase is often perceived as gloating or a way of pointing out someone’s mistake in hindsight – which isn’t the most empathetic response when someone is likely already feeling regret or disappointment.

Instead of rubbing salt in the wound, a better approach might be to offer support or constructive advice on how to avoid similar situations in the future. Something like, “That’s a tough break, but I’m sure you’ll handle it better next time,” can make all the difference.

4) “At least you…”

The phrase “at least you…” is often used to try and find a silver lining in a situation. However, it can unintentionally come off as downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings or experiences.

For instance, if someone is upset about losing their job, hearing “at least you have more free time now” isn’t likely to make them feel better. Instead, it may feel like their very real problem is being trivialized.

Rather than jumping to find a bright side, it’s often more helpful to simply acknowledge the person’s feelings. A response like, “I’m really sorry to hear that. That must be tough for you,” shows that you are empathetic and understanding of their situation.

5) “Calm down”

Telling someone to “calm down” when they’re upset is a common reflex. We usually say it with the intention of helping the person relax. However, it’s often perceived as dismissive, as if their feelings are unwarranted or overblown.

When someone is upset, they want their feelings acknowledged, not dismissed. Telling them to “calm down” may only escalate the situation further.

Instead, try phrases like “I understand why you’re upset” or “let’s work through this together.” These demonstrate empathy and willingness to help, which can often be more calming than simply being told to calm down.

6) “You’re so sensitive”

Labeling someone as “sensitive” can feel like a direct hit to their self-esteem. It’s a phrase that I’ve heard used often and it’s one that can unintentionally wound.

It suggests that the person’s feelings are too much or invalid. It implies that they should toughen up, which can be hurtful and dismissive of their emotional experience.

Everyone has the right to their feelings, and we should respect that. Instead of labeling, it’s better to engage in an open conversation about how they’re feeling.

A more compassionate response might be, “I see this has upset you, let’s talk about it.”

7) “You always…” or “You never…”

These phrases, starting with “you always” or “you never”, can lead to feelings of blame and criticism. I recall a time when I was on the receiving end of these phrases, and I felt unfairly judged and cornered.

These absolute terms can paint a person’s actions with a broad brush, negating any exceptions or times when they did things differently. This not only hurts but could also spark defensiveness, hampering effective communication.

Instead of using these phrases, addressing specific instances or behavior could be more constructive. For instance, “I noticed that you didn’t help with the dishes tonight. Can you give me a hand next time?” This approach is less accusatory and opens up room for understanding and change.

8) “Whatever”

“Whatever” is a single word that can pack a punch. It’s often used when we’re frustrated or disinterested, and can come across as dismissive or disrespectful.

This phrase can close the door to further discussion, leaving the other person feeling unheard or unimportant. It can also escalate conflicts instead of resolving them.

Instead of resorting to “whatever”, try expressing your feelings more directly. If you’re feeling frustrated, say so. If you need some time to think, request it. Clear and respectful communication is always more productive than shutting down the conversation with a dismissive “whatever”.

9) “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?”

This phrase is perhaps one of the most hurtful ones. It implies a timeline on someone else’s emotional process, suggesting they’re taking too long to cope or move on.

Everyone heals at their own pace. There’s no right or wrong timeline for overcoming challenges or grief. Telling someone they should be “over it” dismisses their feelings and can make the healing process even more difficult.

Instead, offer patience, understanding, and support. Let them know it’s okay to feel how they feel, for as long as they need to. Because, in the end, empathy and understanding are some of the most potent healers we have.

Reflecting on our words

Language is a powerful tool. It has the power to build bridges, make connections, and foster understanding. But it also has the potential to hurt and alienate.

The phrases we’ve discussed here are common in daily conversations, often slipping out without us even realizing their impact on others. Becoming aware of them is the first step towards more compassionate communication.

It’s important to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles, some visible, some not.

Kindness, empathy, and understanding are the pillars of effective communication and they start with how we use our words.

As the saying goes, “Speak with kindness, or don’t speak at all.” It’s a simple reminder that can help us navigate our day-to-day interactions with more grace and compassion.