Passive-aggressiveness—we’ve all encountered it at some point, right?

It can be tricky to identify, but it’s often a tactic used by manipulative individuals to control and confuse you.

But how can you spot it before it takes a toll on you?

Well, there are phrases that passive-aggressive people commonly use as their tools of manipulation—you may even have heard some of them!

In this article, I’m going to expose 9 of these phrases to help you recognize and respond effectively.

1) “I’m not mad”

We’ve all heard it, right?

That infamous phrase, “I’m not mad,” usually accompanied by a tight smile and a clenched jaw.

In the world of passive-aggressiveness, this phrase is a classic. But don’t let its simplicity fool you.

Underneath the calm exterior, there’s a storm brewing. This phrase is often used as a way to express anger or frustration without openly acknowledging it.

In essence, what they’re really saying is, “I am mad, but I won’t admit it.”

This denial of their true feelings is a hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior. It allows them to maintain a facade of calm while simultaneously expressing their discontent.

Being on the receiving end of this phrase can leave you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand. And that’s exactly what the manipulator wants.

2) “Fine, whatever you want”

Ever heard this one?

The phrase “Fine, whatever you want” is a masterclass in passive-aggressive behavior.

At first glance, it might seem like the person is giving in to your wishes. But in reality, they’re just setting a psychological trap.

Here’s the deal:

When someone uses this phrase, they’re not genuinely agreeing with you. They’re simply shutting down the conversation because they’re not getting their way.

It’s their method of expressing dissatisfaction without openly stating it. Instead, they make you feel guilty for making a decision they seemingly agreed to.

And that’s the beauty of this phrase for the manipulator. It puts them in a win-win situation—if things go south, they can always say “I told you so”.

Recognizing this tactic can save you from falling into their carefully laid trap. So, keep your eyes peeled for this one!

3) “Don’t worry about it”

Now, how is this phrase passive-aggressive, you might wonder?

After all, isn’t it just a reassurance that everything is okay?

Well, not quite.

In the context of passive-aggressive behavior, “Don’t worry about it” is often used to dismiss your concerns or efforts.

Much like the previous phrase, “Fine, whatever you want”, this one also carries an undercurrent of dissatisfaction. But instead of shutting down the conversation, it seeks to invalidate your feelings or worries.

The person using this phrase may be upset about something but instead of addressing the issue directly, they use this phrase to brush it off.

In doing so, they create a cloud of uncertainty around their actual feelings, leaving you in a state of confusion and unease.

4) “I thought you knew”

Ever found yourself blindsided by someone’s expectations or assumptions?

This one is a subtle yet potent tool in the passive-aggressive person’s arsenal. It’s used to make you feel guilty or incompetent for not meeting an expectation that was never clearly communicated.

The person using this phrase might blame you for a mistake or misunderstanding, shifting the responsibility onto you, when in fact, they never communicated their expectations in the first place.

This manipulative tactic is designed to put you on the defensive, making you question your own abilities or judgement.

It’s a game of mental gymnastics where they hold all the cards. But now that you’re aware of it, you can better navigate these tricky interactions. Don’t let others’ lack of communication become your burden to bear.

5) “I was only joking”

This phrase is a classic in the passive-aggressive playbook.

“I was only joking” can be used to cover up an array of hurtful or manipulative comments. It’s a shield, a get-out-of-jail-free card for the passive-aggressive person.

Under the guise of humor, they’re able to:

• Belittle or insult you
• Undermine your achievements
• Plant seeds of self-doubt

And when you react, they play it off as if you’re overreacting or can’t take a joke.

It’s a double-edged sword, designed to cause harm while maintaining an illusion of innocence. If it doesn’t feel like a joke, it probably isn’t one.

6) “It’s up to you”

This phrase, “It’s up to you,” may seem innocent at first.

But let’s dig a little deeper, shall we?

In the context of a manipulative conversation, it’s often used as a way to absolve themselves of responsibility while subtly pressuring you to make a decision they want.

At first glance, it appears they’re giving you control. In reality, they’re setting up a stage where if things go wrong, they can easily say, “Well, you made the decision.”

I’ve been there, and maybe you have too. We make a choice under the impression that we had full autonomy, only to feel blamed if the outcome is not as expected.

It’s a clever way for the passive-aggressive person to have their cake and eat it too. They get what they want without having to bear any of the consequences.

7) “I didn’t mean to…”

Picture this: you’re in a conversation with a friend, and they say something that really stings. When you confront them about it, they quickly retort, “I didn’t mean to…”

Sound familiar?

This phrase is another way for passive-aggressive people to evade responsibility for their hurtful actions or words.

Instead of apologizing and acknowledging their mistake, they put the blame on you for misunderstanding or overreacting.

But here’s a question to ponder:

If they didn’t mean to hurt you, why did they say or do something hurtful in the first place? Why is their first reaction to defend themselves instead of considering your feelings?

Take note that intent doesn’t negate impact.

8) “I’m just saying…”

This phrase takes me back to a time when a colleague would constantly critique my work under the guise of “just saying”.

“I’m just saying, you could have done better.”

“I’m just saying, I would have approached it differently.”

Sound benign? Not quite.

“I’m just saying…” is often a prelude to criticism or unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice, according to an article from VeryWell Mind, is when a person receives unwanted and untimely advice from another person—which can be annoying and shameful to the person who received the “advice”.

By prefacing their criticism with this phrase, they create a shield that deflects any responsibility for the impact of their words.

It’s as if they’re saying, “Don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger.”

Constructive criticism doesn’t need a disclaimer.

9) “No offense, but…”

This phrase is a clear indicator of passive-aggressive behavior. It’s essentially a free pass for the speaker to say something offensive or hurtful, while trying to dodge any consequences.

“No offense, but…” is often followed by a statement that is, in fact, quite offensive. It’s like they’re trying to soften the blow before landing a punch.

By using this phrase, they put you in a position where reacting to their offensive statement might make you seem overly sensitive.

But don’t be fooled. Offense is in the eye of the beholder. If someone uses this phrase and then says something that hurts you, it’s your right to express your feelings.

What can you do now?

By recognizing these phrases, you’re already ahead of the curve. But how should you respond when confronted with passive-aggressive behavior?

Here are a few, simple steps I suggest you take:

• Assertively communicate your feelings and perceptions in response to these phrases.
• Set boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the manipulator’s game.
• Seek advice from a trusted friend or counselor who can provide an outside perspective.

As you navigate your relationships, keep these phrases and responses in mind—in this journey, you’re not alone. We all face manipulation at times, but we all possess the ability to respond wisely and with strength.

With this understanding in hand, how will you apply it to shape your future interactions?