Trust isn’t easy to come by. It takes a significant amount of time and effort to build a sense of trust between two people, especially if you begin your relationship as complete strangers.

But there is a difference between the slow process of building trust and a general sense of unease when you’re confronted with the idea of trusting someone you find… well, not exactly trustworthy.

The first is normal. The second signals that your gut instinct may be trying to tell you something.

Now it’s time to double-check.

Here are the 6 phrases only untrustworthy people tend to use.

1) “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but…”

…but you’re telling me anyway because you’re a blabbermouth.

Got it.

Look, we all love a bit of gossip from time to time. I’d be a hypocrite if I said I never enjoyed the occasional spill-the-tea session with my close friends.

However, it’s one thing to tell a dramatic personal story or to analyze a specific situation through a psychological lens.

It’s another to divulge secrets that aren’t yours to share, speak negatively about people who aren’t in the room with you, and spread rumors rooted in unfounded assumptions and whispers.

What’s more, this negative kind of gossip can be very bad for our own well-being.

As counsellor Hannah Rose LCPC writes, “When we gossip, we are fertilizing our minds with toxicity and judgment. We are much more likely to scrutinize ourselves when we are busy scrutinizing others.

We are significantly more susceptible to self-centered fear and the obsession that others are going to gossip about us.”

The lesson here?

If you’re not supposed to tell other people, then… don’t. And if someone says the phrase above before proceeding to share a secret with you, keep in mind they may not be very trustworthy.

After all, they’re more than willing to spread other people’s secrets. Why wouldn’t they do the same with yours?

2) “I’m going to make an exception for you”

When someone tells you a sensitive piece of information they should have kept to themselves, they often accompany it with, “I know I can trust you” or “You’re the only one I’m talking to about this.”

In other words, they make it sound like you’re the exception, not the rule.

But what makes you think that the actual rule isn’t that *everyone* is an exception? What makes you believe they treat you differently to others just because they say so?

“I’m going to make an exception for you” and its alternatives can be incredibly powerful phrases because they appeal to a deep part of ourselves: our egos.

“Oh, wow! I’m an exception!” you might think. “This person sees something special in me!”

Yeah, think again.

Sure, there’s a chance they do actually consider you special. But they might also just as well want an opportunity to gossip or to get closer to you so that you feel safer opening yourself up to them.

3) “You owe me a favor”

And why would someone untrustworthy try to get you to open up?

So that they can gain a sense of power, of course. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” and all that jazz.

A great way to achieve exactly that is by doing you a favor. In many cases, this can actually be a favor you didn’t even ask for.

Penelope from work brings you a cuppa and helps you manage your workload, and while you might think she’s just kind-hearted, she will bring it up one month later when she needs you to cover her shift.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is untrustworthiness at its finest. 

A person who treats their relationships like business transactions is not to be trusted.

Their intentions aren’t rooted in a genuine desire to be kind but rather in the expectation that they will eventually gain something from the interaction.

As clinical psychologist Catherine Aponte Psy.D. says, “The notion of transaction comes from the business world where people do things for each other with the expectation of reciprocation.

For example, in marriage, a husband ‘helps’ out with vacuuming the house and his wife ‘helps’ out by taking out the trash.

John Gottman, the well-known marriage expert, argues that this kind of unwritten agreement leads to partners keeping a mental running tally of who has done what for whom.

This kind of unspoken contract fosters anger and resentment.”

So, lesson number three: if someone says you owe them a favor, tread carefully.

4) “I wasn’t lying, I just didn’t tell you the truth”

Oh, that’s fine then!

Except it’s not, of course.

Is there a difference between lying to someone face to face and omitting the truth to make things easier for yourself?

Yes.

Are both bad?

Also yes.

Do both contribute to a loss of trust between two people?

Absolutely.

“Leaving out important details to intentionally misrepresent the truth is known as lying by omission, a dishonest behavior that can negatively impact your interpersonal relationships,” says mental health writer Hope Gillette on Psych Central.

She adds that lying by omission can lead to a loss of authenticity and create an environment of distrust.

If someone lies by omission, watch out.

And if they get caught in the act and continue to defend themselves, be even more careful. It means they aren’t self-aware and humble enough to admit to a mistake and change for the better.

Speaking of which…

5) “None of this is my fault!”

Has there ever been a more obvious sign of no self-awareness than a victim mentality?

Honestly, it’s pretty hard to beat.

A person who believes that no matter what they do, they are not to blame, is someone who lacks the necessary self-reflection skills to accept negative feedback, face their darkest demons, and put in an active effort to grow and change.

This makes them inherently untrustworthy because, well, how are you supposed to trust someone who doesn’t even know themselves?

Exactly.

In order to build a sense of trust, you first have to know who it is you’re dealing with.

And you can only do that if the other person displays consistency, integrity, and honesty – even when it’s not exactly positive. Even when it’s messy and raw and wholly human.

Especially then.

6) “You remember it wrong”

On a final note, don’t ever let anyone tell you that your memory is faulty.

Sure, errors happen. There’s a possibility you truly do remember it wrong. But other people don’t see inside your head. They can’t read your memories. Plus, they don’t know just how accurate their own recollections are.

We all remember things slightly differently, and what’s more, that memory changes in nature each time we recall it. Mixed with our imagination, it takes on new shapes and colors.

But that doesn’t mean the other person’s memory is better than yours. It doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid.

And if someone confidently tells you that “you remember it wrong,” they may be gaslighting you, which is a manipulation technique that serves to make you doubt your own reality.

Positively untrustworthy.

Watch out.