Cheating hurts at a deep level and often leads to a relationship breaking up. 

For some individuals it’s not a one-time thing either: they’re unfaithful multiple times, creating a pattern of cheating on their spouse or partner and then doing it again. 

Despite feeling remorse, they end up repeating their mistakes and breaking more hearts. 

This kind of serial cheater has a number of stock phrases and responses they turn to in order to justify, downplay or shift the blame for their behavior. 

Let’s take a look… 

1) “It didn’t mean anything.”

Whether or not cheating meant something does not determine whether it was hurtful. 

Serial cheaters love this phrase because they think it lets them off the hook. 

By saying this they try to show that it didn’t involve a deeper emotional connection or meaning, and thus they should be forgiven. 

They then usually gaslight and get sulky if their partner is still upset or won’t forgive them which is, clearly, egregiously unfair and narcissistic behavior on the part of the cheater. 

As psychotherapist Holly Behiels points out:

“It can be an attempt to show a partner there was no emotion or commitment attached to the action.”

2) “I know you’ve been cheating too, so don’t blame me.”

This is classic projection and serial cheaters love to engage in it. 

In some cases they really do feel like they are the victim and have suspicions, speaking to their own narcissistic instability. 

They point the finger and make unfounded accusations because they live in a world in which they are always the victim and always justified in their own dishonest and unethical behavior. 

As psychotherapist Erin Leonard explains: 

“Although they have no evidence to back their claim, they skew and twist innocent interactions between you and others to blame you and excuse their transgression.”

3) “We’re not even having sex.” 

This is a standard excuse used by serial emotional cheaters. 

The emotional cheater is a person who doesn’t necessarily sleep with his crush or engage in sexual activity, but who transfers his or her affection and time to that person. 

They shift out of their relationship emotionally and devote all their time and energy to this new person, then act outraged and incredulous when they are called out on it. 

“Emotional cheating is often described as having an emotional bond with someone in the sense that you have a romantic relationship with them,” observes psychological writer Geoffrey Williams. 

“However, you simply do not partake in sex or other sexual activities with them.” 

4) “It was just sex.”

On the flipside of emotional cheating comes the purely sexual cheating. 

This is especially common among men who cheat purely for pleasure and thrills sexually, whereas women tend to be more evolutionarily hardwired to cheat for deeper emotional reasons. 

This, along with cultural stereotypes, is why many serial male cheaters will use a “just sex” defense, trying to get their wife or girlfriend to believe that it isn’t a big deal since it’s only physical cheating. 

“For evolutionary reasons, men typically equate sexual access to their partners as their ultimate exclusive privilege while women are more protective of a man’s emotional attention than his sexual expression,” notes Professor Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D.

5) “I wouldn’t have cheated if you really gave me the love I deserve.”

This is classic gaslighting on the part of the serial cheater. 

It shifts the blame onto their partner and claims that the cheating was done because of not getting enough sex, love, support, time, or whatever resource in question. 

The cheater attempts to deny any wrongdoing in such a way, acting as if they were left with no choice except to cheat because of how unsatisfying the relationship was with their partner. 

It’s a shameful coping mechanism and denial tactic.

“A narcissistic partner needs constant validation. They expect this at all times, even after they have been insensitive and rude to you,” Leonard explains. 

“If you fail to constantly fuel their ego, they become passive-aggressive and act out.”

6) “It was just a ‘straycation.”

Cheating on vacation isn’t any different than cheating while at home. 

But for the serial cheater who uses business trips or vacations to “get some strange,” this can be a common excuse. 

He or she went and got lucky on vacation, but it didn’t mean anything. It was just a vacation affair, just fun and games, see? 

As relationship expert Dr. Tammy Nelson explains:

“A ‘straycation’ is a holiday taken exclusively with an affair partner.”

7) “You haven’t been giving me what I need.”

This is another gaslighting comment used by serial cheaters to shift responsibility away from themselves. 

By claiming that their needs aren’t met, they give themselves a hall pass to cheat. 

What’s missing? Any actual permission from their partner. Although they may have asked to open the relationship, serial cheaters tend to give themselves permission if that request gets turned down. 

“A narcissistic partner frequently perceives a relationship as transactional instead of relational,” notes Leonard.

“They believe if they fulfill some sort of obligation to you, that they are entitled to sex whenever they want it.”

8) “That’s not true!”

This is the go-to response of a serial cheater:

Simple, all-out denial. 

This shouldn’t be surprising, of course, if an accusation is made and the cheater wants to deny it. 

But the surprising part is that serial cheaters will deny having had an affair even when their partner finds undeniable evidence such as condoms lying around, sexting or smells somebody else’s perfume on them. 

They will simply continue to deny it, and often act outraged that the accusation was even made, without providing any proof at all that the accusation is actually untrue.

As licensed counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC writes:

“An unfaithful partner may completely deny what happened, or they may lie about specific details, such as how long the affair went on or whether it’s still happening.”

9) “You’re totally paranoid!”

This is another variation of the denial in which the serial cheater calls their accuser paranoid. 

The purpose is simple:

It’s done in order to cast doubt on the perceptions and observations of a person which go against their best interest and desired outcome. 

So they try to gaslight their partner as being unreasonable and paranoid. 

This taps into any self-doubt on the part of their partner who then may begin to wonder if they are being too paranoid or are imagining cheating that didn’t happen. 

10) “I already told you nothing happened!”

This defensiveness is a typical response by a serial cheater. 

By acting like the subject itself is unreasonable, the serial cheater hopes to back their accuser into a corner. 

It’s a classic shaming tactic in which they try to intimidate and shout down somebody else and make them feel unreasonable and out of line. 

“When someone is feeling defensive, they may lash out,” notes Vossenkemper.

“Don’t be surprised if they raise their voice, snap at you, or look irritated when you bring up the issue.”

Dealing with a serial cheater

Dealing with a serial cheater is difficult, especially if you are in love with one. 

Will they change their ways? Should you cut them off?

The answer varies depending on each couple, but what is clear is that the serial cheater has issues and problems of their own which are up to them to face and process. 

Their partner, on the other hand, needs to turn to a wider support network and not rely on the serial cheater to provide their sense of well-being or validation. 

As psychologist Dr. David Tzall advises:

“Having a strong support network can help you process your emotions and make sense of the situation.”