Narcissists have very specific needs. 

According to psychologists, a true narcissist has an excessive need for admiration, an inflated sense of importance, and a sense of entitlement.

And to satisfy all of their needs, they normally require someone around to give these things to them.

Ideally, that person should be a “partner” whom they can control easily. They want that person to be meek and mild, submissive, and preferably challenged by low self-esteem. 

All of these characteristics make it easier to control them so the narcissist gets what they want.

If you suspect that you’ve fallen into the clutches of a manipulative narcissist, or if you trying, you might know someone who has; one way to tell is to listen to their speech.

So here are 14 phrases narcissists use to control their partners in relationships that you might be able to recognize. But I hope not!

1) “You’re blowing things out of proportion.”

One of the main ways that narcissists control the people around them is to invalidate everything that others say.

They use phrases like this one to tell people that their feelings and estimations are just plain wrong. This helps them control the narrative no matter what’s happening.

Of course, it’s completely unfair and hurtful, but all the narcissist is concerned about is that their version of reality is the one that their partner has to accept, even when it’s totally false.

2) “You’re crazy.”

Gaslighting is right there in the narcissist’s handbook as one of the top weapons for controlling those close to you. 

This form of emotional abuse requires a master manipulator to distort facts and confuse reality enough to make another person actually start to doubt their own sanity.

It requires you to be very close to the person and have a lot of power and influence over them, and that’s why narcissists often choose to gaslight their partners.

Hearing this phrase once or twice is just annoying. A few more times, and it starts to get hurtful.

But if this is the attitude your partner constantly meets you with, it can be tremendously disorienting and demoralizing.

3) “You made me do it.”

Why take the blame when something goes wrong when you can point it in another direction?

This is called blame-shifting, and it’s something that narcissists are usually very talented at.

After all, they crave attention and need to be admired, and who would admire them if they weren’t perfect?

Therefore, when there’s blame to be had, a controlling narcissist will quickly direct it toward their partner. This attacks the partner’s self-esteem and can make them feel like a failure despite them never having anything to do with the problem.

4) “You need me.”

A very cunning way to control someone is to convince them that they need you.

Wouldn’t you know, this is one thing that essentially all narcissists do to their partners?

They begin by finding a person who’s vulnerable to choose as their victim. They then keep them in a vulnerable, powerless state by doing things like preventing them from working or keeping them from their friends and family.

Eventually, they really do make that person almost entirely dependent on them so that they can’t leave.

5) “You’re lucky to have me.”

This phrase is another veiled attack on a partner’s self-esteem.

It would normally go together with other insults and demeaning comments to make the partner feel like they’re really worthless and very fortunate to have the narcissist as their partner.

This is such a horribly manipulative way to make someone feel valueless and gain control over them.

6) “I’m the only one who…”

When a manipulative narcissist wants to shut their partner off from the outside world, they use phrases just like this one.

They’ll tell them, “I’m the only one who cares about you,” or “I’m the only one who can tolerate your bullshit.”

They do this to achieve two goals at once.

The first is isolation. By essentially telling their partner that no one likes them or cares about them, they encourage them to retreat from other people so they can keep them neatly under control.

These phrases also tell their partner/victim that they’re disliked by others or unimportant to them, which can be a serious blow to their self-esteem.

7) “You’re too emotional.”

Here’s another phrase that a narcissist will use to invalidate their partner’s feelings.

When they do something that upsets their partner, they turn around and call the partner overly emotional so they can evade any blame.

Imagine a narcissist is basically caught red-handed cheating with someone else, and their partner starts to cry and accuse them of being horrible.

Instead of apologizing or even trying to deny it, they try to deflate their partner’s response by claiming it wasn’t serious or meant nothing.

If their partner is still upset, they’re the one being cruel and unreasonable, not the narcissist.

Pretty neat trick, isn’t it?  

8) “You’re imagining things.”

We already touched on gaslighting with a narcissist calling their partner crazy.

Well, this phrase runs along the same vein and is intended to deny the person’s reality in another example of gaslighting.

Even when a person has great evidence that something has happened, their controlling narcissist partner may still deny it and brush the whole thing off with this dismissive comment.

Thinking about the cheating example previously, they might try to use this phrase even when their partner has essentially witnessed clear proof. They simply want to be in control of reality as their partner sees it.

9) “You’re worthless.”

Many victims of narcissistic partners will tell you that they’re usually emotionally abusive.

To beat their partners down, they don’t need to use physical violence (this doesn’t mean that some don’t). Instead, they will constantly use demeaning and insulting comments to attack their partner’s self-esteem.

They’ll keep hacking away at it until it’s reduced to almost nothing.

Why?

Because a person with little-to-to self-esteem is very unlikely to have the confidence to leave them while anyone else would.

10) “You’re the only one I trust.”

So far, we’ve only looked at really negative phrases narcissists use to control their partners in relationships. However, they’re not all mean and nasty.

At least not on the surface.

Most narcissists alternate between the carrot and the stick, mistreating their partners one moment and using manipulative flattery on them the next.

But there’s no doubt that this is what these seemingly positive phrases represent.

While being the only person your partner trusts might sound good, this comment is really designed to keep you tethered to them. After all, if all they gave was constant negativity, how would anyone ever come to admire them?

11) “If you leave me, you’ll regret it.”

Many manipulative narcissists use different types of abuse to control their partners and make them do what they want. Thinly veiled threats like this one can be used as weapons of psychological manipulation.

They may also go hand in hand with a history of abusive behavior that includes violence. That would make this threat even more frightening since their partner may have already been a victim of their violence in the past.

12) “No one loves you like I do.”

Think this sounds romantic?

Think again.

While from a truly loving partner, this might be meant as an expression of utter devotion, from a manipulative narcissist, it’s meant to isolate their partner and make them feel alone and worthless.

With this phrase, they’re saying, “No one else cares about you – only me, so there’s no reason to think of going anywhere else.”

Now, how romantic is that?

13) “Why can’t you be more like…?”

Demeaning comparisons like this are par for the course in just about any relationship with a narcissist.

Their partners might be compared to anyone from their own siblings to friends, coworkers, or even celebrities (after all, narcissists like to inflate their relationships with famous people, often pretending to be close to them).

This kind of comparison is obviously hurtful because it’s always negative. The partner is always being told through this appraisal that they’re less valuable than others.

14) “You’re always trying to control me.”

This is another example of blame-shifting that only some of the most cunning manipulators can achieve.

How does such a controlling person flip the script and accuse their controlled partner of being the manipulative one?

Imagine a partner who is belittled and discouraged from finding work outside the home or even going out at all.

If they call and ask their narcissistic partner when they’re coming home with food because they’re hungry, the narcissist can accuse them of making demands and trying to control their life.

This is horribly deceptive and unbelievably manipulative.

Final thoughts

I sincerely hope you aren’t intimately familiar with these 14 phrases narcissists use to control their partners in relationships. 

But if you are, it’s time to reassess the relationship and get out while you can.

It is possible to escape and recover from narcissistic manipulation.