5 phrases narcissists use to blame others for their unhappiness

Wendy Kaur by Wendy Kaur | October 7, 2024, 1:08 pm

“Woe is me,” is a mantra that many narcissists live by. 

They are always “up and Adam” about getting on the “complain-train,” but nowhere near as motivated to figure out their part in their misery. They’re even more dead set against changing their behavior. 

Instead, a narcissist’s modus operandi is to blame their self-sabotaging ways on their partner—or anyone else who happens to be within their orbit. 

Their excuses are always ever at-the-ready. 

Here are some fall-back phrases a narcissist routinely resorts to as a way of blaming their victims for their own unhappiness. 

1) “You always make things so difficult”

A narcissist can’t stand it when someone calls out their bad behavior. 

This Quora user, who was raised by what she calls a “covert narcissist,” says that a narcissist never believes that their victim is the victim. 

“They are,” she says. “They can poke pins in you 24/7 but as soon as you react against that abuse then you will be labeled as the aggressor.”

From a narcissist’s point of view, it is the victim’s job to make the narcissist feel good about themselves. They believe that it is someone else’s job to help them regulate their self-esteem.

When this doesn’t happen, they believe that the victim is purposely making their life difficult.

A narcissist’s capacity for shifting blame from being the offender to being the victim can be downright stunning, says psychologist Ramani Durvasula

You could be the one who is suffering from an illness or even from the loss of a loved one, but if your pain inconveniences them, “it will be framed as their problem,” she says. 

2) “It’s your fault that I act the way I do”

This is a classic narcissistic line and if I had to pick a movie character who portrays this personality well it would be Patrick Bateman in American Psycho—played to perfection by Christian Bale.  

Patrick is the epitome of Narcissus—the mythological god the condition is named after. He is obsessed with his appearance and with his success. He has no problem manipulating others to satisfy his own needs, even if it means inflicting pain.

Patrick refuses to take responsibility for his actions and he’s always blaming other people when things don’t go his way. 

A narcissist will go out of their way not to feel bad—no matter what they’re doing or what they’ve done. 

This is because a narcissist’s inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, that they try to avoid any and all responsibility for anything that goes wrong, says therapist Elinor Greenberg, PhD

“[So] in order to avoid self-hatred, they project the blame onto someone else. If they do not successfully shift the blame, then they might find themselves drowning in a pit of self-loathing and shame.”

And a narcissist needs to shift the blame at all costs because they know that it will lead them to spiral down into a shame-based self-hating depression. 

“In addition, they unconsciously fear that their mistakes will be used by you or other people to publicly humiliate them,” says Greenberg. 

“Once narcissists sink into a self-loathing depression, they lose touch with anything good about themselves. They see themselves as all bad—as worthless, defective losers.”

The thing is that with a narcissist, deep shame is there; always waiting around the corner for them. 

Their inner critical voice is ever at-the-ready to punish them, so they deal with this by learning early on in life to always avoid taking the blame for their mistakes, says Greenberg.

“If you are their lover or mate, you are the one that is likely to be blamed—no matter how far fetched this seems.”

3) “Nothing you do is good enough…”

You can literally and figuratively jump through hoops for a narcissist, and chances are it will never be good enough. Even if it is, those moments will be few and far between. They’ll also be very fleeting. 

A narcissist believes they’re entitled to everything about you. This means your time, your emotions, and your self-esteem, says Sarah Newman, MA, MFA.

“If you’ve ever been close to a narcissist, you’ve probably felt like a perfectionist. Nothing you do is good enough and you’re always missing the mark,” she says. 

“The narcissist loves having people like this in his or her entourage. Because their expectations are unrealistic and their standards are impossible, the narcissist is also a perfectionist.”

4) … “but it’s still your job to make me happy”

A narcissist doesn’t take personal responsibility for much, even when it comes to their own happiness. 

Passive-aggressive behavior and sudden outbursts are ordinary as they’re often triggered by the most trivial of things, says psychology writer Anna Drescher

“If you do not admire their new outfit, do not seem excited by their stories…they might feel like their power is slipping away,” she says. “In response, they might launch a verbal attack on you like shouting, insulting, and threatening you.”

Even though the narcissist will likely never pat you on the back for doing something right, they do keep a “laundry list” and blow up every time you’ve done something “wrong”.

“It helps them to keep you feeling low about yourself and inflate their own ego.”

5) “______ thinks that I’m amazing (or agrees with me, etc). Why can’t you be more like them and appreciate me more?”

Narcissists often involve a third party to either create jealousy or insecurity in their victim, or to prove their point—this is called triangulation, says the team at Charlie Health.

A narcissist may use a pattern of triangulation to win over a third party as support so as to coerce the victim into doing as they say. 

There are three roles in triangulation, says therapist Maggie Holland from Choosing Therapy

First of all there is The Persecutor. This is when the narcissist is the instigator. “They may use threats, blame, criticism, personal attacks, or harsh and aggressive language to establish who is the ‘wrongdoer’ in their eyes,” says Holland. 

Then there’s The Victim, which is another role the narcissist plays. “In this case, they will present themselves as helpless, being taken advantage of, and needing rescue.” This way, the narcissist is best able to deflect any responsibility for their own words and actions onto someone else—namely you. 

Finally, there is The Rescuer. This role is usually played out by the narcissist’s support person. 

“However, sometimes, a narcissist will engage in this role to gain a sense of superiority,” says Holland. 

“As the Rescuer, they will fix things, ‘smooth things over,’ and possibly accept responsibility for their feelings or behaviors to make their victims feel guilty.”

You are not responsible for a narcissist’s happiness (or any of their other “needs”)

And it’s absolutely vital that your communicate this to them directly using “I” statements such as:

I am not responsible for your happiness. I will not be responsible for your happiness. 

Communicating it this way does a number of things, says the team at Medium.

It establishes personal boundaries, for one thing. “This phrase serves as a reminder that everyone is responsible for their [own] happiness. It’s not your duty to fulfill the emotional needs of others at the expense of your own well-being.”

When you assert this boundary, you make it clear that you refuse to take on the burden of someone else’s emotional fulfillment. 

The second thing this does is that it encourages them to take personal responsibility. Narcissists are known to deflect responsibility for their feelings onto other people. 

When you vocalize to them that you aren’t responsible for their happiness, you compel (or at least prompt) them to take accountability for their own emotions and actions.

“It’s a gentle nudge for them to understand and manage their own happiness.”

Communicating to a narcissist that their happiness is their own responsibility takes the pressure off you and it protects your mental health. 

“Constantly catering to someone else’s happiness can be emotionally draining and detrimental to your mental health. Expressing this boundary is a step towards safeguarding your emotional well-being. It allows you to prioritize your mental health and emotional needs.”

If they can’t accept this or don’t actively work on this, then it’s most likely time to take a step back from them and reclaim your own life and your happiness. It may be time to separate yourself (whatever your relationship happens to be with them) altogether.