No one wants to think that they’re friends with – or worse, in a relationship with – a manipulator.

The problem is that statistically speaking, it’s inevitable that some of us will be. And due to the very nature of how manipulators act and think, if we’re close to them, they’ll try to use us to gain the upper hand in the relationship.

The good news is that if you’re able to spot this behavior, you stand a much better chance of being able to head it off at the pass.

And so with that in mind, let’s take a look at the behaviors you’ll need to look out for.

1) “You’re too sensitive.”

When people use this phrase, they’re normally trying to excuse their own bad behavior.

In other words, they’ll do something that any reasonable person would have a negative response to, and then they act as though that response is, in fact, unreasonable.

Often, their victim is so worn down by the manipulator’s behavior that they simply accept this version of events, even though if they stepped back and examined things with a clear head, they’d see that the reality is very different.

And so if someone tells you that you’re too sensitive, be sure to ask yourself whether that’s actually the truth and to consider asking someone else what they think.

2) “I did it for your own good.”

This phrase has been ruined by manipulators, because it used to be legitimate.

Sometimes, it still is. For example, parents will often do things for their children that they know they’ll hate because it’s for the best. This may mean pulling out a splinter, even though it hurts.

The problem is that manipulators have taken over this phrase and will use it when they’re doing something for their own good, instead of for yours.

Ultimately, no one has the right to do something on your behalf without your permission. If it was really for your own good, they’d ask you first.

3) “Stop playing the victim.”

Building on from what we’ve already talked about, manipulators love to treat people badly and then blame their victim for the way they respond to it.

And so in this case, when they say “stop playing the victim”, the great irony is that you actually are the victim.

If you ask me, the correct way to respond to this is with the phrase, “Stop victimizing me.” But you should be careful with that because it can often just make things worse.

Instead, I’d recommend just getting as far away from the manipulator as possible. But sometimes that’s easier said than done.

4) “It was just a joke.”

The thing with this one is that even if something was just a joke, it clearly wasn’t a very good one.

Some people have a cruel sense of humor and so they might play mean-spirited jokes on you without meaning to manipulate you. But that’s pretty rare, and you can usually tell when they’re doing that.

But you should also be aware that manipulators will often pass off their manipulative behavior as being a joke, especially if you call them out on it in public.

For example, they’ll threaten to leave you if you go out with your friends, and then when you go ahead and do so, they’ll tell you they were only joking.

5) “You’re overreacting.”

This one is an unkind thing to say to anyone, but if a manipulator is saying it in a relationship, it becomes a form of gaslighting.

No one else has the right to tell you whether your reactions are appropriate or not, at least when they’re on a small scale and they don’t affect someone else. It’s not like you’re starting a war or anything.

And so if someone does something and then when you respond to it, they tell you you’re overreacting, stop to ask yourself why they’re saying that.

Are you actually overreacting? Or do they just not like your reaction for their own reasons?

6) “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

This is another way of saying that someone is overreacting, and the same general idea applies.

I once made the mistake of saying this to my girlfriend and she called me out on it immediately. But in my defense, I still think I had a point.

And so I’d caution you with this one that while it is a common phrase amongst manipulators, that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone’s a manipulator if they use it.

Your best bet, then, is to take their comment on board and decide whether you agree with it or not.

7) “You always do this.”

This is another combination of manipulation and gaslighting in which the perpetrator tries to make out that their victim is somehow the one at fault.

Perhaps you always do react in the same way, but that’s not the issue that we’re talking about. The problem is the way in which they’re treating you, not the way in which you react to them.

In fact, this is one of those phrases that you could just as easily turn around on the perpetrator. They always do what they do and so you always do what you do.

But as before, I’d caution you against pointing this out to the manipulator in your life. They almost certainly won’t thank you for it.

8) “You’re being unreasonable.”

If someone’s manipulating you, they’re the one who’s being unreasonable.

As with many of the other entries on this list, this phrase is used by manipulators as a kind of smokescreen to hide their own activities.

It reminds me of how people have said that if you want to figure out what President Putin is up to, you just have to look at what he accuses his adversaries of.

In other words, if Putin accuses the Ukrainians of getting ready to deploy chemical weapons, the Ukrainian army would be wise to start distributing gas masks.

Likewise, if a manipulator says you’re being unreasonable, it’s probably because they know that they themselves are guilty of it.

9) “You’re imagining things.”

This last phrase is one of the most common, and it’s another example of gaslighting.

When the manipulator uses this phrase, they want you to think that it’s all in your head and that the manipulation you perceive isn’t actually happening.

If it was just a single instance of manipulation then perhaps you really might have been imagining things. But by the time that the manipulator turns to this phrase, it’s normally much too late for that.

And let’s face it, our imagination can be powerful. Even if you really were imagining things, you’d still be well within your rights to distance yourself from that situation.

And you’re almost certainly not imagining things.

Conclusion

Now that you know the manipulative behaviors to look out for, you’re in a much better place to deal with it.

When you’re in a relationship with a manipulator, they’ll keep on pushing things until their manipulation evolves into total control. You can usually spot this happening if you keep your eyes peeled on the phrases that they use.

Remember that help is available, and so if you find yourself in a relationship with a manipulator and you’re ready to get out, you can always reach out to friends and family, as well as to professional organizations.

Good luck.