One of the early signs of manipulation is when someone blames you, for their actions. 

Have you ever experienced this? 

It’s tough to spot because it usually comes from someone who knows you and can play on your weaknesses, as noted by Peg Streep, author of Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, And Recovering.

However, there are some things to look out for. Being aware of them will help you identify manipulation early on and put a stop to it. 

Today, we’re sharing 8 typical phrases that manipulative people use to put the blame on others. 

How many of these have you heard before? 

Let’s dive in. 

1) “It’s not my fault”

“It’s not my fault” is a classic blame-shifting phrase that we’ve all heard at least once in our lives, right? 

I recently overheard a couple arguing on the street. The guy said to his partner, “What took you so long? I’ve been standing here for forty minutes waiting. I’m freezing.” 

“It’s not my fault you chose to wait outside in the cold.” she quickly replied. 

Instead of just apologizing for being late, she deflected blame away from herself and back onto her partner. 

This is a common way manipulators push blame onto others. And one to watch out for in your own interactions. 

2) “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”

Is there anything worse than having your feelings dismissed?

When you’re upset and you raise the issue with the other person involved, it’s reasonable to expect them to accept what you’re feeling.

Unfortunately, when you’re dealing with a manipulator, they’ll probably tell you that “you’re making a big deal out of nothing”. 

This is what the experts call emotional invalidation where your feelings, thoughts, or emotions are rejected, judged, or simply ignored. 

It allows the manipulator to downplay what you’re feeling and even dismiss it altogether. This is a classic way for them to make it seem like you’re at fault, even though you’re not. 

If someone is in the habit of minimizing your feelings or reactions, you’re probably dealing with a manipulative person. 

3) “You started it” 

This phrase reminds me of fighting with my brother when we were kids. We’d argue back and forth “You started it”, “No, YOU, started it”. 

It’s hard to believe fully grown adults use this phrase but it’s another common one manipulative people use to blame others for their actions. 

Instead of being able to take accountability, they push the blame onto other people, accusing them of being the cause of the disagreement.

4) “You’re overly sensitive” 

When someone says “You’re overly sensitive” it’s especially impactful because it allows the manipulator to not only blame you but also belittle you at the same time. 

The manipulator might say something like “I was trying to spare you pain because I know you’re overly sensitive ”. As outlined by Psychology Today this is a classic way to elevate themselves and put you down.

If you have someone in your life who regularly accuses you of being overly sensitive, take note. It’s likely that they’re using that phrase as a way to blame you and belittle you.

5) “I only did that because you…”

When a manipulator has done something they know they shouldn’t, instead of accepting responsibility they might say “I only did that because you..”

This is classic manipulator behavior: they “avoid responsibility for their own conduct by blaming others for causing it” as noted by Abigail Brenner M.D. psychiatrist and writer.  

Back in university, a guy cheated on my best friend. And when she questioned him about it, he said “I only did that because you wouldn’t talk to me that night.”

They’d fought, and she’d asked him to give her some space, so he went out and cheated. Then he tried to shift the blame onto her. Thankfully she saw it for what it was, pure manipulation, and dumped him.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, if you hear this phrase it’s a sure sign a manipulative person is trying to shift blame onto you for something they did. Don’t be fooled by it. 

6) “You’re taking it the wrong way” 

Does this one strike a chord with you? 

It does for me. 

A few years ago, a new guy, John, had just joined our team at work. In his first month, he was presenting at the team meeting. After spotting a typo, our colleague Alex piped up “Watch those typos, John. Mistakes in the first presentation don’t look good.”

John was clearly embarrassed. Afterward, he approached Alex and asked him if there was an issue between them. Alex immediately responded by blaming John “No pal, you’re taking it the wrong way. I didn’t mean anything bad”.

The problem is, that Alex should have simply apologized. Instead, he shifted the blame onto John as if the issue was John’s reaction, not his comment. 

This one’s pretty subtle and hard to spot but if you see someone using this as their go-to phrase when they mess up, pay attention.

7) “You made me do that”

You might not be too surprised to hear this phrase in a playground but we shouldn’t hear it from other adults, right? 

“You made me do that” is a classic way manipulative people deflect blame onto others.

But the truth is: provided people are acting under their own free will, nobody can make them do anything. 

If you’re accused of making someone do something, it’s a warning sign that you’re dealing with a manipulative person who wants to blame you for something they’ve done. 

Don’t allow someone else to put their actions on you. 

8) “Why can’t you just take a joke?”  

The first time I met my friend Gina’s boyfriend, I instantly disliked him. 

He was making fun of Gina, calling out her insecurities, and when she asked him to stop he replied with “Why can’t you just take a joke?”.

The thing is: he was making hurtful remarks. But instead of realizing this and accepting responsibility, he put the blame back on her and accused her of not being able to take a joke. 

If you notice someone using this phrase a lot, there’s a good chance that they’re the problem, not you, despite what they say.  

Final thoughts

As we’ve seen today, there are some common phrases manipulators might use to blame others for their actions. 

By recognizing them, you can protect yourself from their tactics and maintain control.

It’s important to trust your instincts and stand up for yourself when someone tries to manipulate you. Stay aware, and don’t let anyone shift the blame onto you unfairly.