High-level manipulators always have a trick up their sleeve: 

They can come across as the most charming person you’ve met, but they have a way of getting into your head and pulling your strings.

How do they do it? 

There are various tactics that suave string-pullers use, but one of their most common strategies is to use phrases that play with your emotions, perceptions and judgments. 

Here are 16 of the go-to phrases that high-level manipulators use to twist you to their agenda.

1) “Don’t overreact”

This is a phrase that manipulators love to use. The reason is because it allows them to define who is overreacting or who isn’t. 

The phrase also tends to undermine the validity of another person’s emotions, making them doubt their feelings and perceptions.

As psychotherapist Gillian Brown explains: 

“Accusing a person or a group of people of ‘overreacting’ is a commonly used silencing tactic. 

“It is an effective silencing tactic because it paints the accused as ridiculous, hysterical and not to be taken seriously.”

2) “I’m just joking”

Whether or not they were joking does not excuse whatever was said or done. 

You have a right to your own reaction and feelings about the actions or words of another person. 

Manipulators love to use this phrase to deflect responsibility for their hurtful or offensive comments or actions, dodging consequences for their behavior and painting you as unreasonably sensitive. 

3) “Stop being so sensitive”

This is similar to “You’re overreacting” and is often used in a gaslighting context by manipulators. 

They are telling you what you should do in your reactions and how you should feel. 

This phrase demands to control what a person feels and why, also inherently dismissing the other person’s emotions and experiences.

Even if somebody is a highly sensitive person (HSP), that’s actually a strength, not a weakness. 

“[Sensitivity] is a trait linked to giftedness and something we ought to embrace. 

In fact, according to three decades of research, it’s not only a healthy trait, it also serves as a powerful asset,” notes bestselling author and psychological researcher Andre Sólo.

4) “I’m just trying to help you” 

This is a classic manipulator phrase because it is so multi-functional. 

It can be used to demand that their way of doing things be accepted, or be used to guilt trip someone into accepting help they don’t want. 

It can also be used to take over a project, scam somebody, try to coerce them to change their behavior and beliefs or judge or criticize them unfairly. 

Manipulators use statements like these as ethical badges: they flash such a statement in order to imply that anything they have done or will do is valid since it (supposedly) comes from a pure motivation. 

Spoiler: it rarely comes from a good motivation and even when it does, boundary-crossing and coercion isn’t acceptable. 

5) “Do you even hear yourself right now?”

Often used to justify controlling behavior, this phrase disguises manipulation as concern or care.

It’s also known as concern trolling. 

The manipulator pretends to be concerned for somebody else’s mental or emotional well-being in order to denounce and slam them. 

They hope to plant a seed of doubt and get the person to back down or feel worried and ashamed, giving up their point of view and acceding to the gaslighter. 

Concern trolling often takes place online, but is also very common in meatspace. 

As researcher Aditi Murti explains: 

“The best way to avoid mental exhaustion by the keyboards of concern trolls is to spot their bullshit and ignore it. 

“Reacting to their contrarian opinions is a one-way ticket to being called unreasonable or shrill.”

6) “That’s now what happened at all”

High-level manipulators have a deep need to control the frame, or the version of reality that other people are living in. 

They reserve the right to decide the “real” truth about what happened to other people personally, in political or social situations, or even just in the world or the news as a whole. 

They decide what something means. They control reality. 

Even if a person confronts this gaslighting manipulator, they will deflect and reconstruct their own specific and bogus version of reality. 

Gaslighters tend to “refocus the conversation on your flaws or raise a gripe about something you did. 

Alternatively, they may contradict everything you said and cherry-pick the facts to support their viewpoint and undermine yours,” writes Psychologist Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D.

7) “Maybe I can help you out. Also, do you think you could…” 

This is a classic straight out of the savviest manipulator’s playbook. 

The manipulator promises help but dangles a condition or favor that will have to be done in order to gain their help, attention or advice. 

They engage in this kind of transactionalism all the time, but there are also subtle ways they will disguise and bury their demands or leave them on a running tab. 

For example, the manipulator may say:

“Maybe I could help you out to see if there are any current jobs at my sister organization and put in a good word. 

“Also, do you think you’ll have time to come help my daughter? Her social anxiety is really bad and I feel like you’re the only one who could give her the counseling she needs.”

“Now the second person has been promised a kind favor, but also been imposed with the essential ask of “save my suffering daughter, you’re the only one who can.” 

Yikes. 

8) “I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”

Manipulators love to take people on guilt trips, and this is one of the best phrases in their playbook. 

This guilt-tripping tactic makes the other person feel indebted and obligated to comply with the manipulator’s wishes.

The worst part is that many manipulators aren’t even conscious of their frequent use of guilt-tripping. It’s become such a go-to tactic and instinct for them that it just comes naturally.

As psychologist Dr. Lynn Margolies is a Ph.D. explains: 

“Guilt-tripping is, in effect, a form of emotional blackmail. 

But it is typically an unconscious process whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed.”

9) “I’m the only one you can trust”

By isolating the other person from their support network, the manipulator gains more control over them.

This is a shameless but effective tactic of the high-level manipulator, which is that they will actively sabotage and trash talk people’s support circle, friends and family in order to prey on them. 

Then, once they have undermined everybody else in that person’s sphere, they will come to them with arms outstretched and say they are the only one who’s loyal and trustworthy. 

It’s a sick but often effective tactic, especially in intimate relationships. 

Collaborative Therapeutic Services explains it well:

“He or she may refuse to spend time with your friends or family. 

“He or she may be so actively rude or unpleasant to them that they refuse to spend time with him. 

“This tactic also reinforces the abuser’s emotional manipulation and gaslighting, as he or she deflects the blame for the worsening relationships onto your family/friends…

“By controlling your ability to speak openly and freely with the outside world, the abusive partner is preventing you from sharing your feelings, getting a different perspective on ‘normal’ relationships, and ultimately, asking for help.”

10) “You don’t realize how lucky you are to have me”

This is a high-level codependent trick used by manipulators.

They do it to write themselves a blank check:

“Yes I may have done X, but you don’t realize how lucky you are to have me.”

And so on. 

In other words: “let me do what I want or I’ll leave and you’ll be back to your useless, low-value self.”

It is especially common for manipulators to use this on people they know have struggles with self-esteem and self-image.