6 phrases emotionally intelligent people use, according to psychology

It’s one thing to be intelligent. But it’s quite another to be emotionally intelligent—now that’s a whole new level of smart.
Emotional intelligence is a combination of self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills, says Kelly Miller, BA, CAPP, from Positive Psychology.
“Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, is the ability to recognize and identify emotions in yourself and others and manage them,” adds Dr. Veronica Hlivnenko, who is a licensed psychologist and holistic health consultant.
“It means a person can accurately perceive and understand their own emotions and evaluate and interpret how others feel.”
There are other more obvious traits that are common to emotionally intelligent people, including the things they say.
Psychologically speaking, you might be part of the emotional intelligence club if you use the following six phrases.
1) “Tell me more”
Because I happen to be writing this blog from North America as the solar eclipse is happening in full effect on a very dark but still intensely sunny April afternoon, I thought I would use an apt analogy:
Emotionally intelligent people know full well that the sun doesn’t revolve around them.
“People who lack self-awareness only care about their own thoughts and opinions. But emotionally intelligent people are interested in how others feel and what they have to say,” say authors Kathy and Ross Petras.
If someone confides in you—particularly something that is sensitive and difficult for them to do—your first inclination shouldn’t be to come out with a story of your own.
People who are highly intelligent make the other person feel heard, acknowledged, and validated.
“A phrase like, ‘Could you tell me more about that?’ encourages the other person to discuss their feelings and experiences. Then, after you’ve listened and acknowledged their feelings, you can make an effort to put yourself in their shoes in a meaningful way,” say the authors.
So, say you have a friend who is opening up to you about their grieving process. Perhaps they’re having a hard time feeling angry about what could have been.
Just because you have had a similar experience and are further ahead in your grieving journey because you’ve had the time and space to process, doesn’t mean that you should launch into advice about how they should handle their emotions — even though your emotions are sincere and your intentions are to ease their pain.
Only explain what helped you after you hear out your friend. They are intelligent enough to know that any advice isn’t going to automatically “solve” anything, and that the process will take time.
But having you truly listen to what they’re saying will make all the difference in the world. Your own experience will be comforting only after they’ve shared everything they need to—sometimes with some prompting.
2) “I’m sorry” (or “That was my fault” or “I was wrong)
Sadly, we live in a society that doesn’t apologize all that much.
Instead, we live in a world that gets defensive any time someone tells us that we’ve offended them.
Most of us never learned how to apologize or how powerful our apologies can be, says Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD .
People with high emotional intelligence understand the importance of building or strengthening relationships, adds Dr. Jameka Woody Cooper, who is a counseling psychologist.
“Recognizing mistakes and taking responsibility by saying, ‘I’m sorry I messed up,’ shows their ability to be vulnerable by admitting faults.”
Strauss Cohen adds that a genuine apology that is offered and accepted has the power to create forgiveness, acceptance, and increased intimacy between people.
“Apologizing is very different from believing you’re perfect and can do no wrong,” she says.
“A genuine apology requires empathy, security, and the strength to admit your faults and weaknesses. Many of us are so consumed with our subjective experience and our need to be perfect that we can’t concede to our own mistakes.”
An unsaid apology is what strains relationships and creates resentment.
“How many grudges do you hold that could have been avoided altogether or been reconciled with a genuine apology?” asks Strauss Cohen.
It’s something to think about.
No one is above apologizing when they’ve made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings.
That’s called having emotional intelligence.
3) “I don’t know” (or “I’m not sure”)
I have to admit that this one has been challenging for me to admit to in the past—particularly in a professional setting.
I never wanted to come across as naive or ignorant, for example.
Now, because I’m older and much more confident in my abilities (not to mention the fact that I have more life experience) I have no problem saying that I don’t know the answer to something, or that it isn’t in my field of expertise.
It might seem unintelligent to confess that you don’t know the answer to something, but it’s actually a sign of emotional intelligence if you do.
Some people are too embarrassed, prideful, or egotistical to admit that they don’t know everything, but that’s silly, says Jennifer Still from Bolde.
“No one knows everything, and being able to say that straight-up really sets emotionally intelligent people apart.
It sends the message right away that you don’t think you’re better than anyone or that you know more. You’re on the journey to self-improvement just like everyone else.”
Still says that being able to say you don’t know the answer to something can actually help put others at ease and it subconsciously gives them “permission” to make mistakes and admit they have room to improve as well.
“The value of this gesture really can’t be overestimated,” Still says. “It doesn’t make you look stupid, it makes you look humble, down-to-earth, and curious. Those are all good things.”
4) “I hadn’t considered that”
Similar to the above, this phrase shows humility and expresses that you don’t have all the answers. It respects someone else’s viewpoint.
“This phrase emphasizes open-mindedness and the value of diverse viewpoints, a sign of social awareness,” says high-performance strategist and coach, Sonia K. Singh, MHA, CPP.
“It also shows that you’re willing to listen to differing perspectives, and possibly adopt them.”
Intelligent people are always looking for ways to learn new ideas, and they love to take part in new opportunities, adds the team at PsychoLogs.
“They are willing to accept and consider others’ views with values and broad-mindedness appreciating diverse ideas, promoting a broad understanding of the world.”
Emotionally intelligent people are smart enough (pun intended) to know that improving themselves consistently can only happen if they are open-minded enough to be flexible in changing their perspective from time to time—with a grain of salt and using their own good judgement, of course.
5) “Don’t compare”
I think this phrase is a fantastic one as a reminder to people we care about, but also—maybe even especially—ourselves.
The above phrase may sound like a simple one, but they’re effective because they’re founded on the principles of psychology and emotional intelligence, says Justin Bariso, who is the author of EQ Applied.
No matter how well things are going in our lives, it always seems like someone else is doing better.
“Appearances can be deceiving. And even if they aren’t, they are accompanied by challenges and difficulties I don’t see,” says Bariso.
Emotionally intelligent people remind themselves that other people’s achievements have nothing to do with their happiness.
The way I see it, I’m only ever in competition with myself. As time goes by, I’m becoming more and more of myself. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been through because these experiences have taught me a lot about life.
To be honest (and at the risk of sounding vain), I like being me.
6) “I think…”
I’m proud to say I do this one a lot.
The last thing I want to do is come across as being someone who thinks they know more than anyone else.
I always remember Socrates’ famous quote from my philosophy class in my first year of university (I’m paraphrasing): “Intelligent people know that they don’t know anything.”
So if I have a different point of view, or believe that I’m right, I’ll say something to the effect of: “I think…” or “I believe…”.
Saying something this way makes you look less pompous for one thing. Not only is it more respectful, but it doesn’t make it look like you’re correcting them. You’re just offering your own opinion.
“When you’re correcting someone or offering an opinion, saying ‘Here’s the thing’ can come off offensive and rude,” says speech trainer John Bowe.
“This phrase insists that whatever follows will be final. [It’s] an authoritative take on the subject at hand. Even when used inadvertently, it can sound a bit self-important.”
Bowe believes (see what I did there?) that starting statements with awareness and high intelligence steer clear of these kinds of “throat-clearing statements”.
Saying something like “I think” or “I believe” removes any suggestion that you’re issuing some kind of non-negotiable declaration.