Talking to people isn’t just about the words we say. It’s also about making sure those words don’t hurt or upset anyone.

Some people are really good at this.

They know exactly what to say and how to say it.

They’re the ones with a lot of emotional smarts, or what some people call ’emotional intelligence’.

But even if you’re not a pro at this yet, there’s a simple trick to getting better: knowing what NOT to say.

In this article, I’m going to discuss 9 phrases that can make people feel bad, confused, or even hurt our friendships without us meaning to.

1) “You’re overreacting”

This phrase is a quick way to invalidate someone else’s emotions and experiences, right?

Well, emotionally intelligent people understand that belittling someone’s feelings is a no-go. 

The thing is that emotional intelligence (Ei) involves empathy and validation.

It’s a skill of acknowledging what others are feeling, even if you don’t personally understand or agree with it.

People with high EI tread carefully when discussing others’ reactions.

They know that what might seem like an overreaction to one person could be a perfectly reasonable response for another.

Instead of accusing someone of ‘overreacting’, emotionally intelligent people tend to ask questions to better understand the other person’s perspective.

They might say something like “Could you help me understand why you’re feeling this way?”

2) “I told you so”

As someone who values emotional intelligence, there’s a phrase that I’ve learned to avoid like the plague – “I told you so”.

Simply put, this phrase is a conversation killer.

It’s subtly condescending and does nothing to promote understanding or empathy.

Yes, it’s more about scoring points than building bridges.

I remember a time when a friend of mine was going through a tough break-up.

I had warned her about the guy she was dating, but she fell in love anyway.

When things ended badly, I could have said “I told you so”, but what good would it have done?

Having realized this, I chose to say, “This must be really hard for you. How are you feeling?”

My friend didn’t need to be reminded of her mistake. She needed support and understanding.

3) “It’s not my fault”

High emotional intelligence goes hand in hand with accountability.

Evading responsibility by saying “It’s not my fault” doesn’t sit well with emotionally intelligent individuals.

Believe it or not, people who take responsibility for their actions and their consequences are perceived as more attractive — both as potential partners and co-workers.

The truth is that when problems arise, emotionally intelligent people don’t play the blame game.

In these situations, they prefer to own up to their part and focus on finding solutions rather than pointing fingers.

Impressive, isn’t it?

So, if you’re aiming to enhance your emotional intelligence, ditch the phrase “It’s not my fault” from your vocabulary.

Trust me, taking responsibility not only improves your relationships but also makes you more appealing in the eyes of others.

4) “Calm down”

“Calm down” is another phrase that emotionally intelligent individuals tend to avoid in their conversations at all costs.

Look, I know it might seem like a reasonable request.

But actually, telling someone to “calm down” often has the opposite effect.

It can come across as dismissive and unsympathetic, causing the other person to feel more agitated rather than less.

Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of acknowledging and validating the other person’s emotions before offering advice or attempting to diffuse the situation.

This makes them use phrases like “I see that you’re upset” or “I understand why you’re angry”.

5) “Whatever”

Have you ever caught yourself saying “whatever” during a conversation?

Although it seems like just a simple word, it can carry a lot of weight.

Emotionally intelligent people tend to avoid this phrase because it can come off as dismissive and uncaring.

Let’s be honest: saying “whatever” is almost the same as saying you’re not interested in what the other person is feeling or thinking.

When someone shares their thoughts or feelings with us, saying “whatever” can shut down the conversation.

It sends a message that their opinions or emotions don’t matter to us. Instead of fostering understanding or showing empathy, it creates a barrier.

Consider the times you’ve used “whatever” in a conversation.

Was it a way to avoid conflict or express indifference?

Emotionally intelligent communication is all about being present and engaged, even when it’s challenging.

By dropping “whatever” from our conversations, we open the door to more meaningful and respectful interactions.

6) “You always…” or “You never…”

Using absolute terms like “you always” or “you never” in conversations is something emotionally intelligent people generally avoid.

Why?

Because these phrases can be accusatory and often exaggerate the situation.

Here are some of the things that make these phrases problematic:

• They generalize: These phrases often over-simplify complex behaviors or situations.
• They can feel attacking: Starting a sentence with “you always” or “you never” can put the other person on the defensive.
• They hinder constructive dialogue: Such absolutes can shut down the possibility of open, honest communication.

Think about it:

When we hear “you always forget to call me,” or “you never listen to what I’m saying,” it feels like an attack rather than an invitation to understand and improve.

On the other hand, emotionally intelligent communication involves addressing specific issues without generalizing or exaggerating.

People with high EI are fair and accurate in their descriptions. And this, in turn, paves the way for more productive conversations.

7) “That’s just how I am”

In my journey of self-improvement and emotional growth, I’ve learned to avoid the phrase, “That’s just how I am”.

Initially, I used it as a shield, thinking it asserted my identity.

But I realized that it can actually close the door to personal growth and understanding in conversations.

When I used to say “That’s just how I am,” I was essentially telling others that I was unwilling to change or consider their perspective.

It was like putting up a wall, signaling that I was set in my ways, regardless of how my actions or words impacted those around me.

Using this phrase can halt meaningful dialogue and self-reflection.

It implies a fixed mindset, suggesting that we’re not open to learning or growing from our interactions.

But change is possible.

I’ve seen it in myself and in others. 

Instead of saying “That’s just how I am”, I’ve learned to say things like “I’m working on it” or “I’m open to change”.

8) “This is a waste of time”

Labeling something as a “waste of time” is a phrase emotionally intelligent people typically avoid because of its dismissiveness and negativity.

For example, during a team meeting at work, if someone says, “This is a waste of time,” it demoralizes the team.

Using this phrase can be harmful in two ways:

1. It devalues the time and effort of others involved, implying that their contributions or concerns are not important.
2. It closes off the opportunity for finding solutions or reaching mutual understanding.

In my experience, replacing “This is a waste of time” with something more constructive has led to better outcomes.

The key lies in recognizing the potential in every situation, even challenging ones.

Every conversation or meeting is an opportunity to learn, grow, or connect.

Avoiding this phrase can help you open yourself to these possibilities to foster a more positive and productive environment.

9) “I don’t care”

“I don’t care” might just be three words, but their impact can be profound and lasting.

Emotionally intelligent people avoid this phrase because it cuts deep, conveying apathy and disconnection.

It’s blunt, dismissive, and can be hurtful, shutting down any form of meaningful communication.

When someone shares their thoughts, feelings, or concerns, responding with “I don’t care” is essentially saying their experiences or emotions hold no value to you.

So, guess what?

It’s a conversation stopper and often leaves a lasting negative impression.

Luckily, you can replace”I don’t care” with phrases that foster empathy and connection.

Believe it or not, it’s doable even when you need to set boundaries or express differing viewpoints.

Reflection: The power of words

As you can see, the power of words is immense.

They can soothe, inspire, hurt, or heal.

Most importantly, these phrases shape our relationships with others and with ourselves.

This makes me conclude that the phrases we choose in our conversations are more than just a collection of words.

Each phrase has the power to either build bridges or create walls between us and the people we interact with.

We all just need to try and make small, consistent changes in how we express ourselves. That’s how we can significantly improve our interactions with others.