We’ve all had arguments with people we love.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this. In all relationships, especially romantic ones, disagreements are normal.

But that doesn’t mean arguing feels good. It doesn’t mean they don’t trigger us either!

It’s all too easy to fall down the trap of being defensive or even immature in the heat of the moment, saying things you don’t really mean.

This is normal, but isn’t very emotionally mature.

If you want to be more emotionally intelligent and resolve arguments with your loved ones quicker, avoid these 10 phrases.

1) “You never do…”

The key word here being, “never”! Experts say it’s never (pardon the pun!) a good idea to use this word in an argument with your loved one.

Why? It’s mainly because using the word “never” detracts from the current issue and makes it about the past.

If you’re talking about how they haven’t unloaded the dishwasher today and it’s put pressure on you, saying, “You never do the dishwasher” makes it about the times they’ve not done it in the past, rather than right now (which is what’s caused the issue).

In response, they’ll become defensive, probably listing all the times they HAVE unloaded the dishwasher, which is beside the point, really.

2) “It’s all your fault”

Shifting the blame to your loved one in an argument is never a good idea. Sure, something might be entirely their fault.

But directly pointing the blame at them is probably going to do one of two things: 1) Make them defensive or 2) make them feel bad about themselves.

A better way of approaching it is to explain how you feel about what they did and listen to their explanations. Or reflect on the situation to see how you both might’ve acted to cause the issue at hand!

3) “You’re crazy”

Calling someone you love crazy really just isn’t a good idea – ever! Even if this person is certifiably insane (doubtful), it still isn’t a good move to call them crazy.

It’s an attack and a criticism – and it’s largely unnecessary. Plus, it’s immature and it’s definitely going to make them defensive or angry – which is justifiable, really.

Plus, some evidence suggests that calling someone crazy is a little bit manipulative.

People who say this to loved ones are usually in the wrong about something and are trying to gaslight their partner into thinking they’re “seeing things” or “imagining it”. When really, they’re the ones who are actually in the wrong…

4) “What do you want me to say?”

Why? Because it’s just frustrating, more than anything. An argument should be a discussion. It may be a bit heated, for sure. It probably isn’t going to be the nicest of discussions, either. But it still needs to be a conversation.

When your loved one is trying to talk to you about something that’s upset them, responding with, “What do you want me to say?” really isn’t the best response.

It’s kind of lazy on your part, since you’re relinquishing the responsibility of trying to resolve things by putting it back onto them to tell you what to say.

It’s also not very mature most of the time, as you should really be telling them how you feel, rather than asking them what you should say…

5) “I don’t get you”

This phrase isn’t that bad to use in an argument, but it still isn’t the best. In any relationship, you want to feel seen and understood by the person you love.

You don’t want to feel like an alien that they just don’t understand. Which is what this phrase has the power to do – alienate the person you love the most!

For sure, you should be able to tell your partner that you don’t understand their point of view if that’s the case.

But using a blanket statement declaring that you “don’t get them” can feel a bit hurtful. It also won’t lead to a quick resolution to whatever it is you’re arguing about.

A better phrase is to say, “Help me understand”, rather than “I don’t get you”.

6) “We should just break up then”

Ouch! Unless you mean it, this phrase should never be said in the heat of the moment. Threatening to break up with your loved one is a) manipulative and b) pretty devastating to hear!

When your partner hears you say this, it can stick in their mind. It can make them think you want to break up and throw in the towel after this little argument. It can make them lose trust in you and the faith they have in your relationship.

It’s also just really hurtful, especially if you don’t really mean it. It isn’t going to resolve anything either, unless, of course, you genuinely mean it.

Which hopefully, if you do mean it, you wouldn’t say it this way anyway!

7) “I guess I’m just a terrible person”

When someone you love starts an argument with you, it probably doesn’t make you feel very good. If you’ve done something to hurt them, even unintentionally, you might feel pretty crap about it.

It’s tempting to get defensive in these moments of vulnerability and tell them you “must just be an awful person then”, but it really isn’t helpful if you do.

First up, you’re going to make your loved one feel guilty for saying how they feel, which is a little damaging. They might end up comforting you when YOU’RE the one who hurt THEM to begin with.

Secondly, it isn’t going to progress anything and it isn’t a very mature response. Even if you don’t think you did anything wrong, sharing your point of view, listening to how they feel, and maybe even apologizing are better routes to take.

8) “My ex never did this”

I think we ALL know why this should never be said to your partner in an argument! Bringing up your ex with your new partner is always a little treacherous.

Yes, you want to be honest with them and your history is your history. Plus, talking about your past together can be very therapeutic for some couples.

But there’s a line – and this phrase crosses it. You’re basically saying your ex was better or treated you better. And even if it’s true, it’s hurtful and isn’t very mature to say during an argument.

It also might be a sign that you’re still in love with your ex. Just throwing it out there…

9) “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this”

OK so if you and your partner are arguing, something has definitely happened to cause it. It might be a misunderstanding or you might have done something wrong/something to hurt them.

In either case, your partner might be a little mad with you. They might not be 100% cool as a cucumber. But hopefully, they’re just trying to talk to you about it.

If they’re just a little bit more frustrated than normal, saying this is only going to wind them up even more. It’s kind of like shoving your palm in their face when they’re trying to talk to you about something important.

Which is why it’s a bad idea to say it most times. Like the other phrases on this list, it isn’t going to resolve anything at all.

Of course, in the instances where they ARE being aggressive, leaving the room, telling them you need a moment, or asking them to take time to calm down is always OK.

10) “You’re just hormonal/Is it your time of the month?”

No, no, no, and no again! This phrase simply shouldn’t be said to your loved one – under any circumstances!

I’ve never met anyone who’d find this funny to say in the middle of an argument. It’s dismissive of how they’re feeling and very immature.

All in all, it just shouldn’t be said if you’re an emotionally intelligent person (or are working on being one!).

Final thoughts

No one enjoys arguing with their loved ones. They are arguments, after all.

But not every argument with your partner has to be a screaming match or a game of who can be more immature/defensive.

Point scoring, defensiveness, and blame shifting are easy behaviors to get into when arguing, but they aren’t very healthy. They certainly aren’t emotionally mature.

So if you want to start having better conversations (NOT arguments) with your partner and loved ones, avoid these phrases. Maybe even talk to them about doing the same.

You’re in a relationship after all, so you’re in this together!