We all have that one person in our lives who just seems to get it.

They always know the right thing to say, the perfect time to listen, and how to comfort us without minimizing our feelings.

But here’s their little secret: emotional intelligence.

In general, high EQ helps us navigate social situations and build deeper, more meaningful connections.

But what if I told you that even the most emotionally intelligent among us can stumble when trying to show empathy?

Yes, it’s true.

There are certain phrases that, despite our best intentions, can actually end up pushing people away rather than drawing them closer.

Let’s uncover the 7 phrases emotionally intelligent people consistently steer clear of when trying to demonstrate empathy.

1) “At least…”

We’ve all been there.

You’re in the middle of pouring your heart out to someone, and they respond with “Well, at least…”.

This seemingly innocent phrase can unintentionally downplay someone’s feelings or experiences.

It’s as if you’re saying their situation isn’t as bad as it could be, right?

And let’s face it: this might not be the comfort they’re seeking.

Well, emotionally intelligent people understand this.

Therefore, instead of trying to put a positive spin on a tough situation, they simply listen and validate the other person’s feelings.

Because sometimes, what we need isn’t a silver lining, but a friend who can sit with us in the storm.

2) “I know exactly how you feel”

Let me share a personal story:

A friend of mine was going through a rough breakup. In an attempt to offer comfort, I told her, “I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there.”

But instead of making her feel understood, my words seemed to create a distance between us.

Why?

Because no matter how similar our experiences might seem, they’re never exactly the same.

Our feelings, our reactions, and our coping mechanisms are as unique as we are.

So, when I said, “I know exactly how you feel,” it unintentionally minimized her unique pain and experience.

Emotionally intelligent people recognize this nuance.

They resist the urge to draw direct comparisons between their experiences and those of others.

That’s why they prefer saying something like, “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

Even though it’s a simple phrase, it acknowledges the person’s unique experience while also offering support.

3) “Cheer up, it could be worse”

A while back, I was having a particularly bad day.

Work was stressful, I had a disagreement with a close friend, and to top it all off, I spilled coffee all over my favorite shirt.

When I shared this with another friend, his response was, “Cheer up, it could be worse.”

I knew he meant well.

But his words didn’t offer comfort.

Instead, they made me feel like my problems were insignificant and didn’t warrant the emotions I was feeling.

The truth is, emotionally intelligent people avoid using phrases that belittle or dismiss another person’s feelings.

They don’t just tell someone to “cheer up.” Why?

Because this phrase doesn’t really work and they know it.

Phrases such as “It sounds like you’re having a really tough day. I’m here for you,” are what they usually use.

4) “You’re overreacting”

Have you ever been told you’re overreacting when you’re upset?

Let’s face it: it’s not a great feeling.

The thing is that labeling someone’s emotional response as an overreaction is essentially a form of invalidation.

It suggests that their feelings are wrong or not justified, which can leave them feeling misunderstood and alone.

But guess what?

Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of validating feelings, not dismissing them.

As a result, they never use this phrase.

They might instead say, “It sounds like this is really upsetting for you.”

And that way, they acknowledge the person’s emotional state without judgment, showing them that their feelings are seen and heard.

5) “Calm down”

Did you know that telling someone to “calm down” when they’re upset can actually increase their agitation?

It’s true. And here’s why:

When emotions are running high, telling someone to “calm down” can feel dismissive and invalidating.

You know, it can feel like their feelings don’t matter or aren’t important enough to be acknowledged.

But more often than not, that’s not really the case.

Luckily, emotionally intelligent people get this.

They know that trying to suppress someone’s emotions isn’t the way to show empathy.

“I see that you’re really upset right now” is a simple phrase they use to opens the door for further communication.

6) “It’s not a big deal”

There was a time when I was deeply hurt by a comment a friend made.

When I communicated my feelings, the response was, “It’s not a big deal.”

That phrase, however unintentional, dismissed my feelings and magnified the hurt.

What might not seem like a big deal to one person can be deeply significant to another.

Again, emotionally intelligent people understand this as well.

They might say instead, “I didn’t realize this hurt you. Let’s talk about it.”

This acknowledges the impact and opens up for a conversation, fostering understanding and empathy.

Here’s why they avoid this phrase:

• They respect individual perspectives
• By saying “It’s not a big deal,” there’s a risk of minimizing the other person’s feelings
• They strive to create an environment where others feel comfortable

In essence, emotionally intelligent individuals are careful with their language to ensure they’re not inadvertently hurting or dismissing others. 

7) “You should…”

Finally, here’s the crux of the matter:

When someone is sharing their feelings or experiences, they’re often not looking for advice, even if it’s well-intentioned.

The phrase “you should” can come across as presumptuous and dismissive of their ability to handle their own situation.

The reason is that “You should…” often comes across as prescriptive and can shut down a genuine emotional exchange.

Think about it:

When you’re sharing something deeply personal, the last thing you want is for someone to respond with a quick-fix solution or unsolicited advice, right?

Emotionally intelligent people are aware of this.

They understand that true empathy is being with someone in their emotional experience, not directing or correcting their path.

Having that in mind, they respect an individual’s experience but also enrich the empathetic connection between them.

Final reflections

If you’ve recognized some of these phrases in your own conversations, don’t be hard on yourself.

We’re all human. We make mistakes.

But it’s within our power to learn and grow.

As a final takeaway, I want you to realize that emotional intelligence is not a fixed trait.

It’s a skill that can be cultivated and improved over time.

And avoiding these phrases is just one step towards becoming more empathetic.

So be patient with yourself on this journey.

And try to accept the fact that small changes can make a big difference in your relationships and interactions.