The way parents talk to their kids matters. Emotionally intelligent parents steer clear of certain phrases, understanding how these words can damage confidence and emotional security.

Instead, they prioritize language that nurtures and empowers their children.

Let’s dive into these phrases we should avoid to encourage a healthy and nurturing environment for our kids.

1) “You’re just like your [parent/ sibling]”

There’s no denying that comparisons are a part of life, especially within families.

Yet, emotionally intelligent parents understand that comparing a child to their sibling or another parent can have detrimental impacts on their self-esteem and individuality.

Each child is unique and shouldn’t be measured by the standards or achievements of others. This kind of comparison could potentially breed resentment or insecurity, undermining their perceived self-worth.

Instead, emotionally intelligent parents focus on acknowledging and nurturing their child’s unique strengths, abilities and characteristics.

2) “Because I said so”

I must admit, as a parent, I’ve been tempted to fall back on this phrase when I’ve been tired or pressed for time.

But over the years, I’ve realized that “Because I said so” is a phrase that emotionally intelligent parents avoid.

Psychology tells us that this phrase can shut down open communication and discourage our children from questioning and understanding the world around them. It’s also a missed opportunity to teach our children about decision making and consequences.

Instead, I’ve learned it’s far more beneficial to explain my reasoning whenever possible.

For instance, rather than saying “You can’t go out because I said so”, I would say “You can’t go out tonight because it’s late and you have school tomorrow. You need a good night’s sleep to focus in class.”

By doing so, we open up communication, engage our kids in decision-making processes, and help them understand the consequences of their actions.

3) “Stop crying”

Emotionally intelligent parents understand the importance of letting their children express their emotions. When we tell our child to “stop crying”, we are essentially telling them that their feelings aren’t valid and should be suppressed.

Studies have shown that children who are encouraged to express their emotions in a healthy way are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence as adults.

They’re better able to understand and manage their feelings, and also show greater empathy towards others.

Rather than silencing their tears, emotionally intelligent parents validate their children’s feelings and guide them towards understanding and managing their emotions.

For example, you might say “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” This approach not only validates their feelings but also opens up a conversation about how to handle difficult emotions.

4) “You always…” or “You never…”

Emotionally intelligent parents avoid using absolute terms like “always” or “never” when addressing their child’s behavior. These words can be damaging as they box children into a stereotype and fail to recognize their capacity for change and growth.

According to psychology, when parents label their children with absolutes, it can limit their ability to see themselves differently and hinder personal development.

Instead, focus on the specific behavior that needs to be addressed without labeling the child. For instance, instead of saying “You never clean your room”, you could say “I noticed you didn’t clean your room today.

Can we talk about it?” This approach addresses the behavior without negatively labeling the child and opens a discussion rather than presenting a critique.

5) “I’m disappointed in you”

The phrase “I’m disappointed in you” can be a heavy burden for a child to bear.

Emotionally intelligent parents understand that it’s key to distinguish between expressing disappointment in a child’s action, and expressing disappointment in the child themselves.

Psychology suggests that children interpret their parents’ disappointment as a sign that they are not good enough, which can lead to feelings of worthlessness.

Rather than stating disappointment in the child, emotionally intelligent parents communicate their feelings towards the action or behavior.

For instance, saying “I’m disappointed that you lied about finishing your homework” places emphasis on the specific action, not on the child as a person. This ensures the child understands it’s their behavior, not their character, that needs improvement.

6) “Wait until your [other parent] hears about this”

There’s an undeniable bond between a child and their parent, one that’s built on trust and understanding.

Threatening to break that trust by saying “Wait until your [other parent] hears about this” can lead to fear, anxiety, and a sense of betrayal in a child.

Children thrive in a secure and safe environment. When they feel threatened or scared, their emotional well-being can be compromised, affecting their development.

Emotionally intelligent parents strive to create a safe space where children feel comfortable to express themselves, make mistakes, and learn from them.

Instead of resorting to threats, they focus on constructive criticism and open communication to guide their children towards better behavior.

In essence, it’s about creating an environment where children know they are loved and accepted, even when they make mistakes.

7) “If you really loved me, you would…”

Years ago, I found myself amidst a heated argument with my daughter. In a moment of frustration, I almost uttered the words “If you really loved me, you would…”

But I stopped myself, realizing the unintended implications these words could carry.

Leveraging a child’s love to influence their behavior is a tactic that emotionally intelligent parents consciously avoid. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where the child may feel that their love or worth is conditionally based on their actions or compliance.

Instead, it’s crucial to separate the child’s actions from their love. Just because a child misbehaves or doesn’t comply with a request doesn’t mean they love their parents any less. And it’s important that they know this.

Understanding and implementing this has not only improved my relationship with my daughter but has also helped her understand that her worth and our love for her are unconditional.

8) “You’re okay”

At first glance, telling a child “you’re okay” after they’ve been hurt or upset seems like a comforting thing to do. However, emotionally intelligent parents understand that this phrase can often dismiss a child’s feelings.

When we tell our children they’re okay before they’ve had a chance to express how they feel, we’re invalidating their emotions and potentially discouraging them from sharing in the future.

Instead, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings first. A response like “I can see that really upset you, do you want to talk about it?” not only validates their emotions but also encourages them to communicate their feelings.

This subtle shift in response can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional development.

9) “You’re too young to understand”

While it’s true that some topics may be too complex for a child to fully grasp, emotionally intelligent parents avoid dismissing their child’s curiosity with the phrase “You’re too young to understand”.

Such a response can lead to feelings of frustration and insignificance in a child. It can also stifle their curiosity, which is a crucial ingredient for learning and development.

Instead, emotionally intelligent parents aim to explain things in an age-appropriate way. They might say “That’s a tricky topic, let’s try to understand it together” or “Let me explain it in a way that makes sense for your age”.

By doing so, they foster an environment of learning, growth and open communication.

10) “I do everything for you”

Emotionally intelligent parents avoid guilt-tripping their children with phrases like “I do everything for you”. While parenting is indeed a selfless job, using this phrase can make a child feel like a burden or indebted to their parents.

In reality, it’s the parent’s responsibility to care for their children and provide for their needs.

Instead of expressing frustration this way, emotionally intelligent parents communicate their needs and set boundaries in a healthy manner.

They might say “I’m feeling tired today, could you help me with dinner?” This approach not only teaches children about empathy and responsibility but also fosters a healthy parent-child relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.