As someone who is highly empathetic, when I encounter someone who seems to lack empathy and compassion, I think “How is it possible?”

However, by researching the causes of lack of empathy, I’ve learned that these people are seldom choosing not to show compassion.

Instead, their low empathy often stems from their childhood experiences.

You see, our upbringing shapes our capacity for empathy and compassion. So sometimes, the people around us who seem devoid of these qualities may have had certain experiences in their past that shaped them this way.

In fact, there are 8 common childhood experiences that often shape individuals into less compassionate adults.

1) Emotional neglect

One of the most common experiences among those who struggle with empathy and compassion is emotional neglect in their formative years.

Emotional neglect isn’t always about the absence of love or care. It can be as subtle as parents or caregivers not acknowledging a child’s emotions or needs.

This can lead to a child growing up without understanding their own emotions, let alone those of others.

Think about it this way: empathy is like a language. If a child isn’t exposed to it early on, they might find it challenging to comprehend or express it later in life.

Studies have found that the more severe childhood neglect someone experiences, the lower emotional and cognitive empathy they possess as adults.

So, when you encounter someone with little empathy or compassion, remember that they might have experienced emotional neglect growing up. 

2) Absence of emotional role models

I can’t stress enough the importance of having strong emotional role models during childhood.

For instance, I remember growing up with a father who was always composed, even in challenging situations.

He didn’t just tell me how to manage my emotions – he showed me by example. This shaped me into an adult who is empathetic and understanding.

However, not everyone is fortunate to have such role models.

Many people grow up without anyone teaching them how to handle their emotions healthily or how to empathize with others’ feelings.

When such emotional guidance is missing, it can lead to a lack of compassion and empathy.

This isn’t something they chose; it’s something they never had the chance to learn properly.

3) Exposure to consistent criticism

In some households, children grow up hearing more criticism than praise. This can be incredibly damaging to their emotional development.

According to research from The Gottman Institute, for every negative interaction, a healthy relationship needs at least five positive ones to counterbalance the effect.

Unfortunately, in a consistently critical environment, this balance is often skewed.

A child raised in such an atmosphere may develop a defensive mechanism of focusing on others’ faults to deflect criticism away from themselves.

This survival strategy can persist into adulthood, limiting their ability to empathize or show compassion towards others.

4) Lack of secure attachments

The attachment theory, a psychological model describing the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships, is incredibly telling.

It suggests that our early attachments with primary caregivers significantly influence how we relate to others later in life.

Children who form secure attachments tend to grow up to be empathetic and compassionate adults.

They experienced consistent care and emotional support, instilling in them the confidence to explore their feelings and those of others.

However, those who didn’t form secure attachments may struggle to understand and express empathy.

Their early experiences could have taught them that emotions are unpredictable or even threatening, making it challenging for them to empathize as adults.

5) Experiencing trauma

Trauma in childhood can leave deep emotional scars that persist into adulthood.

These experiences can be so overwhelming that the individual’s ability to feel compassion or empathy may become impaired.

Imagine a child who’s had to face a traumatic event, such as the loss of a loved one, violence, or abuse. This child may learn to shut down their emotions as a coping mechanism.

Understanding and connecting with others’ feelings might become too painful for them, resulting in a lack of empathy and compassion later in life.

It’s not their fault. It’s a heartbreaking aftermath of the adversity they faced at such a young age.

6) Living in a volatile environment

Living in an unpredictable environment can take a significant toll on a child’s emotional development. I’ve seen this firsthand.

When I was a child, one of my close friends lived in a home where the mood could flip without notice.

One moment it was calm, the next it was chaos.

This constant uncertainty made it hard for my friend to understand and regulate her emotions.

As she grew older, this struggle extended to understanding the emotions of others, significantly affecting her empathy and compassion.

Such instability during childhood can lead to an emotional disconnect, creating adults who find it difficult to empathize or show compassion.

7) Lack of emotional validation

Having our feelings acknowledged and validated is crucial for emotional development.

Unfortunately, not every child experiences this.

In some homes, children’s emotions are dismissed or trivialized.

Phrases like “don’t be a crybaby” or “it’s not a big deal” can make a child feel like their emotions aren’t important or valid.

This lack of validation can inhibit the development of empathy and compassion.

If a child’s emotions are consistently disregarded, they might grow into adults who struggle to understand and value the feelings of others.

8) Absence of nurturing relationships

At the heart of empathy and compassion is connection. Without nurturing relationships during childhood, this connection can be hard to establish.

A child who grows up without a nurturing bond with a caregiver may find it challenging to form meaningful connections later in life.

Empathy and compassion stem from understanding and caring about others’ emotions. Without early experiences of these bonds, a person may struggle to develop these qualities.

Final thoughts: It’s not set in stone

As you can see, lack of empathy is often not a conscious choice, but a result of poor emotional development during childhood.

But lack of compassion does not have to be a fixed trait. Our childhood experiences, while influential, do not spell out our destiny.

With awareness and effort, empathy and compassion can be nurtured at any stage of life.