Believe it or not, conflict is a normal part of every relationship.

When you put two people together for an extended period of time, they’re inevitably going to butt heads. That’s just a fact.

While some of us view conflict as an opportunity to grow and get to understand the other person better, though, there are people out there who approach conflict in the most destructive way possible – and it shows.

Without further ado…

People with these 7 personality traits usually have high-conflict relationships.

1) They struggle to communicate assertively

First things first: communication.

You’ve probably heard it all before, but it bears repeating.

Communication is absolutely essential. When you can’t communicate how you feel or respond to your partner’s feelings in an empathetic and reassuring way, you’re a walking recipe for disaster.

And that’s because people can’t read your mind – no matter how much you’d like that to be the case.

When you make passive-aggressive remarks, hide your pain beneath a veil of humor, or bottle your emotions deep inside, you’re not giving the other person the opportunity to get to know you better, reassure you, and strengthen the connection you’ve built together.

Really, all you’re doing is picking unnecessary fights.

The thing is, arguments can actually be a good thing.

As the expert Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A. says, “Arguments can be an important way to communicate. When done constructively, arguing can help you better understand each other and any issues that may be coming between you. It can provide a release valve for pent-up frustrations.”

“It can help reveal problems to which you can design and implement solutions. As a result, it can actually help both parties grow and even greatly strengthen the relationship.”

If you argue the right way, you can reach a solution and come out stronger on the other side.

If you can’t express yourself effectively, though…

You’re just running in circles.

2) They have poor emotional self-regulation

One of the primary reasons people snap at others or get passive-aggressive is that they find it difficult to regulate their emotions in the present moment.

And what do I mean by that?

They don’t respond. They react.

Instead of taking a few moments to think things through, decide what’s socially appropriate, and try to get their bearings, they act upon their impulses – and often come to regret it later on.

From making cruel comments to raising their voice or accusing the other person instead of approaching them in an empathetic manner, they get so swallowed up by their anger that they can’t think straight.

Of course, this is no excuse. It is merely an explanation.

Fortunately, emotional self-regulation is a skill that can be taught – all you’ve got to do is put in the effort.

3) They’re very stubborn

I’ll be the first person to say that it’s important to stand up for yourself and not let peer pressure get to you.

But I’m also a firm believer that opinions can change as time goes on and as our horizons expand, which means that it does no good to dwell on your beliefs all *that* strongly.

Beliefs and opinions are essentially stories that we tell ourselves in order to make sense of the world.

And if you keep telling yourself the same story in spite of being presented with very valid information that completely changes the narrative, you’re not being fierce, confident, or unique – you’re just being stubborn and narrow-minded.

Do you know what’s truly confident?

Self-awareness. A bit of humility. And the willingness to change one’s mind if given enough evidence.

People who refuse to change their minds tend to have very high-conflict relationships because every time they get into a disagreement, they dig their heels in instead of opening themselves up and trying to understand where the other party is coming from.

4) They have an all-or-nothing thinking

Here’s why some people are so incredibly stubborn: they tie their opinions to their sense of identity.

As a result, they’re worried that changing their opinion means they’ve got to change who they are at their very core. 

Naturally, this is a very scary thought, and so they will try their best to defend their point of view even if they know deep down it doesn’t really hold in the face of a valid counterargument.

But what people like this fail to take into consideration is that their identity is always fluid. It changes from day to day. It fluctuates with every thought, experience, and feeling. It is never set in stone.

In fact, nothing in life is ever black-and-white.

We all exist in different shades of grey, and this idea is precisely what we need to keep in mind when we’re having a disagreement with someone – that there is no winner or loser here. That things are much more complicated than you versus me.

And that if only you were to understand the other person’s grey better, perhaps you could both accept each other’s stance in the conflict as something imperfect yet very valid.

5) They almost never take accountability for their actions

Moving on to… drumroll, please… the victim mentality!

This one’s a highway to hell.

Why?

Because someone who cannot put their hands up, take accountability for what they’ve done, and apologize properly is someone who cannot be reasoned with.

They will almost always try to twist the narrative in their favor, escape responsibility, and assume the victim role so that they get away unscathed.

Understandably, this can get extremely exhausting for the other party, and what’s more, it means that a small disagreement may easily turn into a massive fight.

Let’s say your friend’s said something hurtful. When you bring it up, they don’t validate how you feel; they don’t apologize; they barely even acknowledge it, in fact.

Instead, they say that you’re too sensitive or that you must think they’re a horrible person or that you need to learn to take a joke.

Of course, this is when you assume a defensive position and try to convince them that you’re in the right, and before you know it, an argument has broken out.

Just like that.

6) They’re always itching for a fight

Some people are simply always ready to argue.

This may be because they enjoy the thrill of the fight or because they feel that arguing is the only way to get a strong emotional reaction out of you.

Or perhaps they grew up in a tumultuous household and find peace and quiet boring seeing as they’ve always existed in chaos.

Or maybe they’ve just gotten very resentful and bitter with you over time, and they can’t contain it anymore, so they pick fights every day because they’re intensely frustrated with the state of your relationship.

Whatever it is, they don’t approach arguments in a constructive way that can help you both grow. They approach them as a means to process and display their feelings – even at the cost of the relationship’s well-being.

7) They’re trapped within their ego

According to the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, the ego is a construct of the mind, one that aims to trap you within feeling, self-centeredness, and a preoccupation with the past and the future.

When you step out of it and step into the present moment, you become nothing but pure awareness – and that is when you’re finally able to detach from yourself and view all situations as a compassionate observer.

In other words, people who have high-conflict relationships are so concerned with being right and winning that they completely forget to be objective and empathetic.

For them, conflict is not a tool to find a solution that fits both parties. It’s a way for them to reassert their ego and feel better about themselves.

I’m sure you can see the problem here.

If you let your ego guide your behavior, you’ll find it very difficult to get along with other people, admit when you’re wrong, and grow as a person.

If you try your best to step outside of yourself, though…

That’s when conflict becomes a source of positivity and strength. That’s when you can change for the better.