Certain people seem to have a recurring dilemma:

They want to be in a serious relationship and share their life with somebody, yet they’re deadly scared of losing their independence. 

If this sounds like you or somebody you know, you’re not alone. 

Wanting companionship and love but fearing a loss of independence and identity is a common tension that many of us feel. 

Here are some behaviors that are exhibited by people in this position. 

1) Picky in dating

They seem to always be looking for somebody just out of reach. 

They go out on a few dates but then cut things short. 

They’re enormously picky, and although it starts as a joke among friends or colleagues, this high selectivity eventually contributes to this person being single quite a bit.

In many cases that’s because they’re in fear of losing their own identity and independence if things get too serious. 

Which brings me to the next point: 

2) Cutting relationships short before they get serious

When things do start to get a bit more serious, this person cuts them short. 

He or she seems to always find a fatal flaw in the connection before it can really deepen. 

This can have roots in early childhood and past relationship trauma, but when that’s been ruled out there’s usually one thing left:

A deep and abiding fear of commitment. 

They don’t want to get tied down. Not even by love. 

3) Financially independent 

Part of staying independent is about money. 

That’s why those who have a strong drive to stay independent despite wanting love are people who tend to be very financially self-sufficient. 

They don’t rely on others to meet their needs, not even family members or close friends. 

They handle their finances privately and focus a lot on their work and on climbing up the corporate ladder or the career ladder of whatever field they’re in. 

This brings me to the next key behavior: 

4) Prioritizing career and vocation

Those who want love but fear being tied down are folks who tend to prioritize their career and vocation. 

They put their heart and soul into work and are usually passionate about what they do. 

They are also passionate about continuing to learn and improve at what they do and truly dedicate themselves to it. 

They sometimes express loneliness or the idea of meeting someone, but when you look at the actions of their life it becomes clear that they’re putting career first and foremost rather than hobbies or their social life. 

5) Needing a lot of personal space 

Even when they do have time off, this person tends to spend a lot of time alone. 

They need their space and time to themselves, and apart from casual dating or a few apps and friend meet-ups, they don’t seem overly driven to get out there. 

They want love and a relationship, and they may talk about that.

But in their actual behavior, they tend to close themselves off a lot, and those who know them well, will often tend to observe this paradox in action. 

6) Difficulty in opening up emotionally

Those who want a relationship but fear its ability to cut into their independence are often wary about opening up emotionally. 

They feel like being too vulnerable is dangerous and won’t necessary pay off in any good way. 

They want love, but they also fear the kind of closeness and sharing that makes love possible and worthwhile. 

While they can recognize that this is a contradiction, it’s hard to break through the contradiction in their actions and really take a chance on love. 

This then tends to lead in a cycle of shallow or short relationships and dating experiences where they don’t have to open up as much.

7) Opinionated and iconoclastic 

Those who prize their independence tend to be strong-minded and one-of-a-kind. They don’t want to change who they are for anybody or be forced to play a social role. 

They find that even many of the typical ideas around relationships like being a “good boyfriend” or “sweet girlfriend” just aren’t palatable to them. 

They want something real and raw that burns as brightly as they do. Yet they also fear that if and when they find it they could get burned and end up stuck to somebody who ends up dragging them down or not truly appreciating them. 

8) Set on their routine and schedule

Those who want a commitment but also fear it sapping their independence tend to be very schedule-focused. 

They’re punctual and organized with their week planned out. 

They want somebody to share fun times with and be in love with, but they find it enormously stressful to coordinate schedules, deal with social niceties and go through the ups and downs of interpersonal communication. 

They are very set on their routine and schedule. 

Independence and commitment: can they coexist?

The short answer is yes. 

But it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be on the same page about this.

It’s not easy to transition into a life of togetherness, even when you’re in love.

As clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. puts it:

“Transitioning from being in charge of one’s own life to become an intertwined unit of mutual responsibilities is challenging even for deeply committed partners.”

But as Gunther notes, in her many decades of practice helping new couples navigate the storms of commitment she’s learned a lot. 

At the end of the day, committed love and some sacrifice of personal independence has to be a voluntary choice and it has to be freely given.

“One does not submit to a committed relationship. 

It is more of a chosen sacrifice,” Gunther notes. 

“The choices made to give up the autonomy of a single life in exchange for the blessings of a committed relationship are willingly given.”

Some sacrifice of independence is inevitable in many areas of life, including in work and in love. 

But with a healthy and functioning relationship where two partners communicate, love and truly care about each other, this sacrifice is an empowering and ultimately rewarding choice, not a final, last surrender.