Standing up for oneself and being assertive can be a real challenge for some people.

Often, their struggle isn’t obvious. Instead, it’s hidden beneath subtle traits that reveal their difficulty in asserting themselves.

In this article, I’m going to shed light on these subtle characteristics that are usually displayed by those who find it hard to stand their ground.

Let’s get started. 

1) Over-apologizing

One common trait among people who struggle to assert themselves is a tendency to over-apologize.

It’s normal to apologize when you’ve made a mistake or upset someone. But individuals who find it hard to stand their ground often say sorry way too often, even for things that aren’t their fault.

This habit can stem from various factors, such as an intense desire to keep the peace or avoid conflict. They may also worry excessively about how others perceive them and hope that apologizing will make them more likable.

The problem with over-apologizing is that it can undermine one’s self-esteem and make them appear less confident. It also sends a message to others that they can be easily taken advantage of.

2) Struggling to say “No”

I’ve seen this trait in myself at times, and it’s a clear sign of struggling with assertiveness – the inability to say “no”.

In the past, I’ve found myself agreeing to tasks at work that I didn’t have the capacity to handle, simply because I felt uncomfortable saying no. I feared disappointing people, or worse, coming off as incompetent or unhelpful.

But over time, I realized this was leading to burnout and resentment. It also affected the quality of my work because I was spreading myself too thin.

Learning to say “no”, especially when you’re already overwhelmed or when something doesn’t align with your values, is a crucial part of becoming more assertive. It’s about understanding your worth and respecting your own time and boundaries.

3) Avoiding eye contact

Eye contact can speak volumes about a person’s confidence and assertiveness. People who find it challenging to stand up for themselves often avoid making direct eye contact during conversations. This can make them appear less confident and more submissive.

Maintaining appropriate eye contact shows that you’re engaged in the conversation and confident in your thoughts and ideas, an important aspect of assertiveness.

4) Rarely voicing their opinion

Another subtle trait common among people struggling with assertiveness is their hesitation to voice their opinion. This reluctance often arises from a fear of rejection or criticism.

These individuals may have valuable insights and ideas but choose to keep them to themselves to avoid potential conflict or disagreement. This can leave them feeling unheard and undervalued.

Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully, even when they may not align with others’ views. It’s about standing up for your beliefs while also being open to feedback and different perspectives.

5) Frequently seeking validation

A need for external validation is a common trait among people who struggle with assertiveness. They may constantly seek approval or reassurance from others, as they may not trust their own judgment or decisions.

In conversations, they might frequently use phrases like “Does that make sense?” or “Do you agree?” This can indicate a fear of being wrong or a lack of confidence in their own ideas.

While it’s perfectly fine to seek feedback, an excessive need for validation can prevent individuals from developing self-confidence and asserting themselves. Becoming more assertive involves trusting your own instincts and acknowledging that it’s okay to make mistakes.

6) Taking criticism to heart

It’s human nature to dislike criticism, but those who struggle with assertiveness often take criticism to heart. They view it as a personal attack and let it deeply affect their self-esteem.

Instead of seeing criticism as an opportunity for growth and improvement, they perceive it as evidence of their shortcomings. This can result in feelings of inadequacy and hinder their ability to assert themselves.

Criticism is not a reflection of your worth but a chance to grow. 

7) Struggling with decision making

I’ve always found decision making challenging. I would often second guess myself or delay making decisions out of fear of making the wrong choice.

This is a common trait among those who struggle with assertiveness. The fear of making a mistake or facing the consequences of a decision can be paralyzing.

But over time, I’ve learned that part of being assertive is taking ownership of my decisions, acknowledging that mistakes are part of the learning process, and understanding that it’s okay not to be perfect. It’s about trusting yourself and your ability to handle whatever comes your way.

8) Being overly agreeable

At first glance, being agreeable might seem like an admirable trait. However, when it becomes a pattern, it can be a sign of struggling with assertiveness.

People who are overly agreeable often suppress their own needs and opinions to maintain harmony. They fear that expressing a differing viewpoint might lead to conflict or disapproval.

While it’s good to be cooperative, it’s equally important to express your own thoughts and feelings. Assertiveness is about finding a balance – respecting others’ viewpoints while also standing up for your own.

9) Neglecting self-care

People who have difficulty asserting themselves often neglect their own needs, including self-care. Their time and energy are frequently spent on meeting others’ needs and expectations, leaving little room for their own well-being.

They may skip meals, miss out on sleep, or ignore their emotional health to keep up with demands from others. This can lead to burnout and further undermine their ability to stand up for themselves.

Assertiveness involves acknowledging your own needs and setting boundaries to ensure they are met. Prioritizing self-care is not selfish, but necessary for maintaining your physical and emotional health.

10) Internalizing negative experiences

The most crucial thing to understand about those who struggle with assertiveness is their tendency to internalize negative experiences. They often blame themselves for any conflict or negative outcome, carrying these experiences with them and allowing them to shape their self-perception.

This can lead to a vicious cycle of low self-esteem and further inhibit their ability to be assertive. Breaking this cycle involves recognizing the difference between taking responsibility for one’s actions and internalizing negativity that doesn’t belong to them. It’s about understanding that everyone makes mistakes, and these mistakes do not define their worth.